green colored lenses

new blog site

2008-08-10T19:54:00.001-07:00

I have a new blog.... here's the link:

http://theagapelife.wordpress.com/

Oh Barney Fife...

2008-08-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm working I wish I could carry a video camera. The scenes I see could be straight out of hollywood, and that makes me rethink those scenarios I've always thought to be ridiculous. What if people really act like the characters I see in movies?

I was sitting in a restaurant (working), slightly overwhelmed by the situation I found myself in a few moments earlier, and became distracted by a deep booming voice coming from a few tables away. I turn to see an older man with the look and voice of the Skipper from Gilligan's Island talking to a younger looking Barney Fife (late 20's to mid 30's). The Skipper was talking away in between and through the bites of food he was taking and Barney was sitting, hunched over, arms folded, quivering and almost had a look of constant flinching. As the Skipper is talking I'm able to pick up that he is Barney's father and he's giving him a relationship talk. The Skipper tells Barney, "Now, you're a few years behind for your age, your girlfriend, she's a few years ahead of you in maturity."

This is how the conversation went. The only time Barney said anything it was "Yeah, I like that story, you like telling that one" in reference to what I assume was a well used story told by the Skipper, said with a smile that looked as well worn as the story.

If this were a movie Barney's girlfriend would make some teary eyed speech about how she'd have no choice but to leave him if he didn't respect himself enough to stand up to his domineering father. And then, inevitably, Barney would stand up to the Skipper who would stand, mouth gaping, in shock and surprise and apologize for the years of bullying, etc. and everything in life would be great from that point on.

Unfortunately for Barney, this is not a movie. Hopefully someday he's able to summon the self esteem to stand up for himself. What do they call it? Implosive anger...

Anyhow, I guess the point is that we need to allow others to be themselves, to make their own choices. There are other points too. One word: manipulation. I will leave that for you to ponder. I have to go to work.

I'm not sure if this falls under the tangent category, but it comes close.

2008-07-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

I just finished an online class this last weekend. I had to write a reflective paper for the end of it on the sociological influences in my life and the way these influences shaped me.

I don't know if you've heard the theory that language is the way we know things. It's the Sapir-Whorf theory. They decided that our reality is defined by the language we know. While it is true that language can in various ways influence our perceptions, it is not always so. For instance, children know what families and parents are (if they've had the real representations) before they speak or comprehend language. There are other cases that it has more of an effect.

The most obvious case would involve the idea of love. In other languages there are many words for many loves. I think Americans may have various ideas that they apply to the one word we have. Or, maybe, we do have other words for love but we do not connect these words with the idea of love that the actual word means to us. I don't know if that made any sense. Example, kindness is love, respect is love, commitment is love, and many more but these words don't always necessarily involve love. You can be kind or commit to another person out of selfishness or pride. Also our word love, which applies to friends, family, objects, romances, this word has no clear definition. There is no universal implication other than a feeling or emotion.

This is one example. Of my friends who are fluent in other languages they all have perceptions they recognize more clearly than I can because they know words that express those ideas that English hasn't given language to.

And so to bring this full circle (I know you've forgotten where I started, if you've had the patience to come this far with me at all) as I was examining myself from a sociological perspective, one of the things that caught my attention was the language that I grew up with: the christian language (or jargon, if you please).

I have always had an awareness of spirituality, and I think the language I know has something to do with it. I've been able to grasp, at least what I've become capable of grasping, concepts like grace, eternity, and so on. I find more meaning in words like love, consequences, absolute, humility, than I otherwise would have. And then, if I occasionally care to step outside of the utterly important little world of me, I find that there are other human beings and that they also live in a spiritual world and all that implies.

I've come to think that counselors ought to have a good grasp of language and concepts. It seems that ideas are easier to fight when there are words to make them tangible. At least, this is true for me. I prefer a fight with something that is tangible, something that I know is real. Ideas, when they are only ideas, can make themselves so intangible that when they occur in someone they decide to ignore or suppress it. We live in a rational society that does not acknowledge the intangible. I'm not sure our society knows how to acknowledge something that they cannot define as a chemical problem or make an equation for.

We are all about the labels.

Love is a chemical. As is depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, personality disorder, addiction, romance is based on smell if you hadn't heard, happiness, and so on.

I wonder if they'll eventually make little pills you take to heal or have these... oh wait....

Have you ever seen Rob Bell speak? His 'Everything is Spiritual' video is great. That's what it comes down to. Our bodies are a reflection of what is spiritual, so yeah, it's only natural that they work accordingly. We were made as such. Yes, there are chemicals, and maybe we've figured out how to manipulate those to a degree, but that's not the root, it's only the reflection.

Mmm it smells good...

2008-07-22T13:44:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting outside and there's a bakery next door, the smell of fresh bread is calling to me....

It's been rainy the last couple of weeks, it's been nice and cool and the air is sweet. There are dark clouds hanging around the mountains, everything feels suppressed. It makes life feel quiet and still. The hustle and bustle are the same as ever, but it feels different.

There have been several sobering events in Flagstaff recently, I think the clouds know it. The sun does too. But, the world is bigger than I know and the clouds will move along in their time. It's rainy season and will be again and again, so I think I'll drink my tea, and smell the bread and thank God that the ground is being fed.

Oh those senators.....

2008-07-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

A senator is proposing that the government set a national speed limit, 55 mph. Granted, it would reduce fuel consumption and all that. I think that this is all a big conspiracy. Obviously a country that has been used to traveling at 80 mph is not going to want to travel at 55 mph. This will increase the number of traffic tickets that are given out, which increases the amount of money the government gets.

That, and it would be sooo frustrating.

The Shack

2008-06-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

My roommates have been reading that new novel the Shack. It's intriguing, if only for the reason that it's highly controversial, at least, to some. It made the Times as a surprise best seller
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/24/books/24shack.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

It's fiction piece about a man who is dealing with grief and loss and is visited by "God" in the form of a black woman who calls herself Papa. The idea behind this is that God is neither male nor female, but as the author says, God is called Father in the Bible because in the fall of mankind the mother became the primary caregiver and nurturer. Also, the man in the book had a bad relationship with his own father, and so had a man come to him as God he would've been harder to accept.

Why is it heresy to think of God as also being female? Or rather, being neither male nor female but giving us representations of who he is in the form different of genders. It's definitely hard to grasp, at least for me. I've never been a hardcore feminist, and in this country my ideas of gender roles are probably very skewed. It's something to think about.

About half the families I've worked with so far have been single mothers. The families in which the father is present have all at various points in time been involved in domestic violence. (Just to be fair, in all of these cases the mother was also violent towards the father.) In most cases the mother is the dominant figure (not all). In an economic class where men are rarely present (either physically or mentally) the women have learned to take control and now this applies whether the man is there or not. Even if he's there now, there are no promises about tomorrow. I wonder what similarities there are, if there are any, between these women and the women in generations past who had to live without husbands and fathers due to wars. Was it hard for the wife to give the role of authority back to the husband?

Well, back to work I go. Peace.

Please

2008-06-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes goodness is terrifying. Suffering produces beauty. There is so much suffering in the world, it seems like there should be more beauty than there is. Ugliness is so much more abundant. There is always something wrong, and someone who causes more to be wrong because of it.

I want to see the ugly become beautiful. To see the sad become happy. The hungry full, the blind with sight.
This is my request.

I have to go to work.

Tidbit

2008-06-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, now this is a bit absurd... Apparently the Japanese government is measuring the waists of their citizens in an effort to "slim down" their country. Those who do not meet the standards are given 3 months before they are turned over to a dieting specialist. hmmm.....

huckabee is back.

2008-06-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I was going crazy yesterday. I'm feeling questionable today as well. I worked 55 hours this week, and it turns out that I am not an overtime sort of person. Can not handle it. Too much. It took every bit of my courage not to quit last night. Just breathe....

So last night we went to the movie at the square, the Wizard of Oz. We tried to analyze it politically but I'm not sure if it really worked. We started out with a Depression theory then went to an Axis power/WWII theory. the wicked witch became Stalin and the flying monkeys kinda looked like Cossacks. But the Emerald City was a communist society... which doesn't make sense. the crowd was interesting as well. there were a bunch of high school kids by us working out their dramatic lives. They were giving soap operas a run for their money.

Speaking of... you will never guess who the newest news anchor is for FOX news. I may have to watch it just to see this. It's big. It's phenomenal really, my jaw dropped, my mind could not contain it... the late, great presidential candidate.... Mike Huckabee. Yes, yes, it's true. he's multi-talented. Governor, baptist minister, pres candidate, and now news anchor. Only Fox..... There are so many comments I would like to make at this moment... I don't know where to start really.

So I'll leave it to you.

trash cans

2008-06-09T17:34:00.001-07:00

Someone called the sheriff on me today. New experience.... They didn't respond though, it was a bit absurd... Yay angry foster parents! *sigh*

There's a little girl who lives down the street from me, and when I drive by I see her and her friend perched on top of the trash and recycling cans by the street. They're usually chatting happily away while passers-by gaze up at them in a sort of wonder and (I think) envy. Imagine the ability to sit atop the trash and refuse of the world and happily share an afternoon with a friend.

The trash has nothing to do with them, it is simply there and happens to be a convenient spot to hang out. 10 does not regard the opinion of the world as relevant. Maybe 10 does not even acknowledge public opinion. 10 is still a kid, it's after 10 that miniature representations of adults begin to emerge.

*this is where I left to sneak into a friend's house and decorate his room with obnoxious christmas decorations*

There's a wideness in God's mercy....

2008-06-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

I went up the peaks on the lift the other day for the first time. It was beautiful up there, looking out and feeling the wideness of the world.

I love climbing mountains, just to be alone in the quiet with a bird as a companion and breathe the pine-y fresh air... As much as I like to hike, I very much prefer to look up at a mountain than down from it. There's something about looking up at something as big and majestic as a snow covered peak against a clear blue sky, or on a cloudy day when it seems all the heavy mists get stuck on the tip... I especially love being in a valley and feeling surrounded by the huge walls of mountains.

I think humans need something they know is bigger than they are that will never fall or break. It's why we need hero's, why every culture has a god or gods.

Sometimes God is so vast and wide that it's hard to get a hold of him. For me, I think mountains are a tangible reminder that God is also tangible (and that's the best I can describe that one). Jesus is easier to get a hold of, a handhold for my mind. A being with an audible voice, a personality, a form.

We cannot put God in a box, it doesn't work. We always try to, maybe especially when we think we're not. that's why churches are so different. We all have these different boxes that we focus on. the problem is that we think the box we have is the only one that exists. I'm not being a relativist, I believe in absolutes, I just don't think that God works by our rules. We've even given meanings to the words we use to describe God thus putting his characteristics in a box. Words like Good, Love, Just, etc. Maybe we should redefine our definitions (ha how's that phrase?)

Well, I'm going to go clean my house. Peace.

tidbits

2008-06-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hello blogging world. You are increasing globalization. Good work, lovely. I hope you take this responsibility seriously.

I am a student again (woohooo!!), and taking a sociology class. Mmhmm I love it, I may turn it into a career.

The other day I saw a man who seemed to be in his 60's running down the main road carrying a lit torch. I can only assume that he intends to say we are all winners. Sweet.

In the paper this morning there was an article on the Southern Baptist Convention. A church called the Journey is taking a stand against the 'moral majority' and has decided the the church does not exist to get people into office (shocker). They have asked other churches to take a look at caring for the environment, and other issues that the 'moral majority' has been ignoring. The convention has stated they will not be funding any more churches that take these stands. This makes me sad, and slightly confused.
Out of curiosity, why is it that all SBC pastors seem to have a drawl? Just wondering....

Oh, and the EU has begun investigating Iran's nuclear program, to see how far they got in the program before closing it down in 2003. We shall see how that goes. They already have the long range missiles down. Bet that's why the EU is interested now, the missiles have a range far enough to reach major european cities. hm.

So I was wondering, is it possible for a person to think objectively, disregarding culture completely? What would that look like? Obviously there is an objective world, but can a person perceive and act without being influenced by society, any society? I'd like to know more opinions if you have one....

So.... book, or hike? Orrrrr both?

Time (Oh how I love? thee)

2008-05-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

You know how everyone always raves about the way other countries have no concept of time? I have always thought that might be nice, not to feel the rush and stress of time constantly pushing you forward as you find yourself reeling into the universe at the speed of.. Time. The second hand has always managed to produce a very subtle tinge of mockery, and the minute hand is wrought with full blown sarcasm. I've often stared into the face of a clock helpless and bewildered. But now, now I have a new perspective. I am an American, there is no escaping this. My culture has taught me to respect these ticking instruments. It has taught me that others respect it as well. Or they should. And now I, who have admired those who can live in another dimension than Time, find myself frustrated, annoyed, incredulous when others do not pay homage to this beast of a thing.

Calendars, clocks, day planners, cell phones, all lay claim on me. Some day... some day I will rid myself of these constraints and fly free!

wish me luck.

Capitalism in the Bible

2008-05-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

" Be a religious extremist!

So, avoid politics if you can. But if you absolutely cannot resist, read the Bible for political advice -- even if you're a Buddhist, atheist or whatever. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who believes that God is involved in politics. On the contrary. Observe politics in this country. Observe politics around the world. Observe politics through history. Does it look like God's involved?

The Bible is very clear about one thing: Using politics to create fairness is a sin. Observe the Tenth Commandment. The first nine commandments concern theological principles and social law: Thou shalt not make graven images, steal, kill, et cetera. Fair enough. But then there's the tenth: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's."

Here are God's basic rules about how we should live, a brief list of sacred obligations and solemn moral precepts. And, right at the end of it we read, "Don't envy your buddy because he has an ox or a donkey." Why did that make the top 10? Why would God, with just 10 things to tell Moses, include jealousy about livestock?

Well, think about how important this commandment is to a community, to a nation, to a democracy. If you want a mule, if you want a pot roast, if you want a cleaning lady, don't whine about what the people across the street have. Get rich and get your own."

-Courtesy de L.A. Times
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-op-orourke4-2008may04,0,6913702.story?page=1

There you have it. The Bible promotes capitalism. Who knew. This actually was a very interesting article. Let me know what you think.

TIME

2008-05-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

Are you ready for the torrent of posts that I've ben holding back for however long it's been?

I was reading the list of TIME's 100 most influential/powerful people this morning. I have to say, it makes me excited to think how brilliant and passionate some people are on this earth. I finally finished Atlas Shrugged, and though I disagree with the egotism aspect of Rand's philosophy (which is about 75 % of it...) I do think that there is a lot to be said for people who are dedicated to excellence in what they do. There are many people who pursue what is right, new ideas, new solutions in daring ways. I really admire that. I admire people who have the courage to pursue their calling and gifts.

George Bush made it on the list, by the way. Despite the fact that it's TIME. I would like to see FOX news make a top 100 list and then compare the two. That, would be interesting.

This on NPR, apparently the increase in corn farming is in a large part responsible for pricier groceries. The corn is for fuel... You just can't win.

All right, into the office I go.... Peace.

hello there

2008-05-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

So here I am! Bet you thought I had disappeared from the cyber community, which I had, but I have come back and have a lot to say with so little time to say it (my battery is near death).

Well I got the job at AmeriPsych. I am now a family support specialist (which, if you will notice with me, sounds oh-so-grown-up) and I think I'm starting to get into the flow of things. I've been super busy, what with moving and new job-ing.. and so the last couple of weeks I've not had much of a life outside of work. I've decided I may be ready to step back into the world, and here I am.

The job is not easy, I supervise and document visits between children and their parents, usually for CPS although we have a couple of private pays. We also do some one on one parenting classes, which is a little funny for me since most of my clients are 10+ years older than I and I am not even close to having kids. A lot of the cases are in the system for neglect and drug use so a lot of the parenting modules are geared towards basic child care information, i.e. nutrition, discipline, etc.

I've been frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and surprised by the things I've seen, but it's so good to see people working against their pasts, their addictions, etc to change their lives. Not all of them make an effort, but lots of them really do. It's good.

So, I have the day mostly off, and I'm hoping the weather warms up a little so I can head out to get my sunshine fix. In the meantime, I'm going to read my book and drink some coffee.

I just have to say, I'm so grateful for people who are willing to change the way things are and have been, for community and quirky people, and my parents. Cannot BEGIN to express how grateful I am for them. Mom, I think you should write me a parenting book.

Well, Happy May day to you all! Peace.

stagflation?

2008-02-26T21:27:00.001-08:00

I had my first interview today, with AmeriPsych. It's an independent agency that works with CPS. The job sounds good-- intense, but good. We'll see how it goes....

So my hopes that this recession thing is all media hype are starting to fade. What with churches (I know of 3 at the moment) having to move into schools or close, people losing jobs, developers walking out on major developments, and now the state hiring freeze... I don't know, I guess we'll see what happens.

The latest buzz word is stagflation. I must've heard it 20 times today. And apparently we're not getting the $600 min. stimulus that we were promised, which is ok actually since it wouldn't work and the government's finances are obviously unstable, to say the least. NAFTA is a pretty big deal this week as well, on account of Ohio and their primaries. Some say NAFTA has had a very negative effect on their economy. Others say that the negative effect is from bad decision making by corporate companies like GM, Ford, etc.
(side note: Did you know that all these American companies are sending materials made here to other countries like Mexico to be assembled for much less? But we're not the only ones. Foreign cars are now assembled south of the border as well.)
At any rate this is bad news for Hilary since hubby dearest signed the bill in in 1994. She says she's against it. Facts: both she and Obama have voted FOR all of the free trade legislation that's come their way. Ha. Bunch of politicians.

well, on that note, Peace.

take me out to the ballgame...

2008-02-22T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today I became a Cubs fan. It all happened so quickly... it seemed like the thing to do at the time. It's all about Ryne "Rhino" Sandberg. Yo. Apparently they haven't won a series game since 1908. Which happens to be 100 years ago. That's quite a while. But they've gotten a few pennants. (Oh yea, I know what that is. What now.) So I guess I might have to watch a few games this year....

I decided to study up on this Obama character a little more today since it appears he's on his way to candidacy, and if he gets that he's got a pretty good shot at the presidency. What I would really like to know, is How the heck is he planning on paying for all the, don't get me wrong, wonderful, things he's "planning" on doing for the country. I don't like his foreign policies or his immigration policy. I like his healthcare plan and education ideas. But, will he be able to work with congress or will he be another Jimmy Carter who ends fighting with congress more than anything else, thus getting nothing done. Will a Congress full of old rich white men listen to Obama? I'd like to know... And he's somewhat vague... not a good characteristic in my 'umble opinion.

Last night I went to hear Byron Hurt speak at NAU. He recently made a documentary called Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rythms about the hip hop culture and the way it affects and reflects gender. The violence, misogyny, and hyper-masculinity in hip hop he traced back to more than one thing. He interviewed an artist, whose name I've forgotten, maybe JadaKiss? I'm sure I'm massacring it. Anyhow, he asks this artist about the blatant violence depicted in the lyrics and the man turns to Byron and asks, "Do you watch movies?" in reference to all of the violence we're constantly seeing in films, going all the way back to John Wayne the picture of ultra-masculinity.

I found it all very interesting, especially as usually the focus of gender will be on feminism, not hyper-masculinity and its negative effects on our culture.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a play written by a friend as his thesis. It's also a study of gender and our paradigms concerning all that. Should be good.

So we may be moving soon. As much as I love living by a park and having massive windows, I hate living in an HOA. This coming from the property management receptionist. But, who would know better? Seriously, and I apologize if you live in an HOA and like it, but I think associations were created to make people pay money to complain. This guy calls in yesterday to complain about the snow plowers. Apparently the guy was shoveling snow ONTO THE SNOW IN HIS YARD. Well, I'm so sorry sir, I'll make sure that next time he uses the magic snow remover that makes snow disappear into thin air.

If the place works out we'll be in an area called Sunnyside, the "ghetto" of town. I'm pretty stoked. It'll be nice to have real neighbors who don't complain about what color the curtains are.

Well, I'm opening in the morning. Peace.

Chekhov and Sigur Ros

2008-02-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

I think I may have fallen in love today. With Chekhov. Anton Chekhov, that is. I mean, listen to this,
"My goal in life is to kill two birds with one stone: to paint life in its true aspects, and to show how far this life falls short of the ideal life. I don;t know what this ideal life is, just as it is unknown to all of us. ... The truth is the absolute freedom of man, freedom from oppression, from ignorance, etc."

He is known for his ability to create a wonder and awe for commonplace things in life by making the reader take notice of them. He is also known for asking questions which he never answers. Also, I've found that he commonly creates feelings of deep compassion by being a complete bystander to his own writing. The way he writes about commonplace russian life is beautiful.

Well, I like him. I have to admit, I did not like the style in which Dostoevsky wrote the Idiot. It gave the feel more of a play than anything (in my humble opinion; but who am I to critique the masterful author?) And all his women were silly and emotional and wishy washy. In my opinion.

Anyhow. I'm listening to Sigur Ros right now. They're Icelandic. They made a movie called Heima that consists of several concerts they had in Iceland in little towns in the country: outdoors and indoors and in all the beautiful places you can imagine. It's amazing. Definately recommend it. It's a work of art, really.

It snowed more today. Tomorrow the high is 51. That, is Flagstaff for you.

Well, I'm going to get better acquainted with Chekhov. Peace.

dinner...

2008-02-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it. I actually skipped my lunch break so I could leave an hour early and then they ended up closing the office an hour early cause of the snow so I got off 2 hours early and had plenty of time to clean (yay clean house!!!). The curry came out wonderfully and it was a lot cheaper than I'd thought it would be. I just made rice with it. I had gotten asparagus to make as well and then forgot about it til the curry was about done. But that's my life.

So singles' valentines dinner was a hit. All were happy and well fed. And the guys did the dishes :). Nice guys. I can go to bed without dirty dishes on my conscience.

Someone broke into the coffee shop again. Someone, from the way it went down, who knows the place a little bit. So that sucks. Like a stab in the gut. Well, what can we do but love people?

So my friend just showed me this radio site called Pandora, and it's amazing. I love it. You input an artist or song and the site generates a personalized station based on the sounds of that genre or song. And, it's free.

I read the Bell Jar today. Books like that, being in the mind of an unstable person, make me feel crazy. She was a sad person. It was interesting though.

getting things done.

2008-02-13T21:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I got my taxes done (woohoo!). And, I got in touch with someone about a job opportunity working with CPS transporting families. And, they offer tuition reimbursement to Social Work majors. That would be AMAZING.

I'm so ready to be in a different job or doing something different.

I am having my single friends (the number of which has drastically decreased the last couple of weeks. It's wierd how many people just started dating. Something's in the water...) over for dinner tomorrow night, I'm going to make a curry dish. My house is a mess, I have to go grocery shopping, and make the food and I have to work all day tomorrow so I think there's a good chance something's going to go wrong but hey, I have a new philosophy. If it's not going to matter in 10 years, don worry about it.

So, what goes good with curry?

Arizona

2008-02-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

Just spent a long weekend in phoenix and I feel I am sufficiently sunburned :). Arizona is really a nice place to live. So diverse. For instance, I can drive 15 minutes and be surrounded by red rocks and creeks and a 10ish degree temp difference. I could drive 1 1/2 hours and be in a desert of cacti and millions of people and a 20+ temp difference, enjoy the warmth and pretend it's summer. Then I can come back home to mountains and pines and snow. Or an hour drive will bring me to a little artist commune built on the side of a hill with live music in the streets and abandoned mines around the corner.

From hippi to western to granola to business within 2 hours of one another. I like it.

So I got my sunshine fix for the next few weeks or so. And went to a pirate party. And remembered why I chose not to become a younglife leader. lol....

So I'm back in the cold.. although it's really not that bad honestly. Well... bed time for me. I'm going to try to start going to the early yoga class, but we'll see how I decide when my alarm goes off.... peace

scatterbrain

2008-02-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

I think this is the first year I haven't watched the Superbowl. I think I'm ok with that.

I did laundry instead. I figured it'd probably be pretty quiet around there. It was. I read East of Eden, or, more of it.

It's been snowing all day, and we're "supposed" to get 2 feet. Anyone in Flagstaff knows you can never trust weather forecasts. I hope they're wrong this time.

I've been reading Walden at work... I need to touch up on transcendentalism, I don't remember much about it. Oh Thoreau...

How am I doing on those scatterbrain points?

Am in the process of looking for another job... and by that I mean that I check the daily online for job postings. I'd like to work at a senior living place or a social work-y type of place, however, I'm finding that those jobs usually require experience and a degree. But, I'd like to know, how do you get experience if all the jobs require that you already have it? And, they don't pay well. That would be fine with me however I need to pay for school and rent. I found out that full time Social workers with a Masters can make up to 30,000 a year.... hmm.... was it George Muller who ran an orphanage and had no source of income? Totally do-able...

So I think if the freaking media would quit scaring everybody half to death about this recession deal, we wouldn't have half as much of a problem. Obviously something is going on, but the media, I think, is making it much much worse than it would've been. Thank you NPR (and I like NPR).

Got to go, stir fry is calling my name :).... blessings.

not much of anything

2008-01-24T12:06:00.000-08:00

I can't remember what my last blog was... maybe I shoulda looked eh? I think I have not sounded... happy lately, but I want to clarify. I'm quite happy, just rather indecisive. Or incredibly indecisive. Anyways...

Let's see... I am still reading the Idiot and have decided to make a studied comparison between Dostoevsky's ideals and Ayn Rand's ideals. And it will be quite interesting.

I've gotten a little tired of following the caucuses too closely for the time being. Too frustrating. By the way, does anyone know the reason Obama wouldn't say the pledge? That's a little odd..

I think January has not usually been as busy as this one has, which is good, it makes it go by faster. Now if only February and March are as fast and then the next 5 months are really slow. I'm ready for the summer now. I'm done with winter.

And I'll finish up later. I'm hungry. peace.

bucket lists

2008-01-15T22:45:00.001-08:00

Today I tried not to think, for the heck of it. Ok, not for the heck of it. Cause I didn't want to. So now I'm kinda hoping the answer to all my life's questions will fall out of the sky in front of me. Maybe answers. I suspect there to be more than one. It's like the little kid that answers "Jesus" to every question he's asked in sunday school.

I watched the Bucket List tonight. It was good, kind that makes my heart a little sore... It made me think, once when I was little we were visiting my grandparents in oklahoma. My grandpa was in the hospital, bad spell of emphysema or something. My grandma was talking about the patient who shared a room with grandpa. Apparently he was something else... quite a grouch or something. I don't know why, but I got it into my head that he must incredibly lonely, why else would he be grumpy? So I felt so sorry for him and drew him a picture. I must've had someone else give it to him, I was pretty shy, but I remember pretty distinctly hearing him talking about it when we went to visit. He acted as though he didn't know who'd done it, maybe he knew, but I was little and if he was acting I couldn't tell. It made me so happy that he'd liked it.

I'd forgotten about that for a while... I've had it on the mind to work/volunteer at a nursing home for a couple of years, I wonder if I should. I think loneliness is more heartbreaking than almost anything to me.

well it's a thought. g'night. blessings.

throwing this out there

2008-01-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

Here's the dilemma.... I am trying to decide between South Africa and the International House of Prayer. A couple of my friends told me they think I should do both. I am just trying to decide whether i have a peace about doing either.

I feel so wishy-washy when I'm trying to make a decision. I go back and forth and everywhichway. I always feel like I'm disappointing someone either way I choose. And it shouldn't be about that, BUT people have wisdom which should be weighed. So....

Would someone please make a decision for me?

pacifism

2008-01-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one night: I'm catching up, I've been processing for a few weeks now...

So I've been thinking about pacifism. I think I've got part of it solved, part of it completely unsolved.

I watched Blood Diamond for the first time the other night. It was absolutely disturbing. Probably not one I'll ever need to see again..

A friend of mine who was in the army a few years ago said that in training he was taught little ditties to say (or yell like they do in the army) like this one:
What makes the green grass grow?
What makes the green grass grow?
Red blood makes the green grass grow.

Please tell me that that's as disturbing to you as it is to me. Couldn't we have an army (because we do, unfortunately need one, no one's going to say we don't, and I'd never say I don't appreciate them because I do) but could we not have one without brainwashing them? It's the same concept to me, as what the boys had to say in the LRA or whatever it was called in that movie. It's not a good thing to kill someone. It's just not, so don't pretend that it is.

Can violence solve violence? I'd have to say no. It cannot solve it; it may end it but the initial problem will not be solved until there is a change of heart. Eyes need to be opened. When Jesus spoke of turning the other cheek, of mercy, it was for a reason. So is it ever right to use violence to stop violence?

But when it comes to government issues and beyond personal ones, is it right to support that? This is the issue i haven't yet resolved for myself.

Violence instills fear and anger into hearts. Mercy, gratefulness?

Grassroots movements require unending patience.

So I think we can say that we are to show mercy, not violence to those who would harm us. As for war? well, ideally they'd never get to that point. Ideally, the mercy and grace would've been shown long before that point.

Interesting side note, I don't think I've written about this yet... I'm reading the Idiot by Dostoevsky right now. He added a bit of his own story into the beginning of this one. He wrote about a man who'd been pardoned at the very last second from death, as he had before he was sent to the Siberian prison camps like Solzhenitsyn. He wrote that he believed that capital punishment was a punishment much worse than the crime. His reasoning: when a man is attacked by another man he hopes to the last that he will escape or be rescued. For a man who is sentenced to death there is no hope whatsoever. He also reasons that death by torture is better than a quick death which you know is coming. He wrote that in a painful death your mind is drawn from your spiritual anguish to the physical. He uses the guillotine as his example of a painless death. Here there is no physical distraction from what is going on in your spirit. Interesting eh? I mean, not pleasant, but interesting how he reasons.

Well, I think I'm done for tonight. lol. blessings.

paradigms

2008-01-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

Paradigms, eh? Don't have any :P. Ha. right.....

I have lots, actually. Do you think, God doesn't mean consistency? Because there are a lot of people reading the same book and they all seem to get a different view. Or, are they looking at different parts and ignoring others? Because I know so many very different people who love God and have really different beliefs about how to live. Not about God himself, He must be constant, although there is so much of him that we can only see some things. Maybe that's the answer. There is so much of life, so many different people that there aren't really different answers but there are a lot of variations? Or... answers... but one answer doesn't cancel out the other.

Like one person may need one thing as solution to whatever life problem they have while the next person has the same problem BUT a different life, so they need something completely different as solution.

But does that mean the ends justify the means? Maybe in order to answer that we'd have to define right and wrong, without paradigms. Without culture. I believe in absolutes, but how do we get them? Are they reliant upon our cultures? No, I don't think so. At least, not at the root. For instance, modesty. In different countries it takes on different forms, but it means the same thing. That was an easy one. So back to the original question, The root of the means should be right, as should the end? But it may take on different forms though it means the same thing? Does that make sense?

This may seem a little obvious, but it's hard to apply to real life sometimes... Which I won't get into. My problems are my own.

A friend put it in a way that makes it easier to understand. Take a pencil. Look at it one way and it's a rectangle. Look at it about way, and it's circle. Is it a circle or a rectangle? It's both. Life to us is one dimensional. To God it's two, but we can't see that way. Thus faith.

So my paradigm, my frame, tells me things. Or, I perceive life only through that frame. I'm the only person with that frame though. You have a different one. thus life.

Peace.

broken record?

2007-12-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

This is honest me again.

I'm confused.
AND,
I don't really want to be here right now. But I don't particulary want to be anywhere else.

You know what I want right now? A big brother.
AND,
I want to forget enerything and take out a loan and go to school like a normal kid.
That's it. I want to be normal.

SOMEtimes, I wonder if I'm imagining all these.. whatever.. convictions.
But I can't answer that right now. it's lateandi'mtiredandconfusedme.

I want to be normal and successful and follow God . And be normal .

But,
not really.

I want to take off on exciting and daring excursions and pray constantly and glow and be wise and help people.

it's hard to glow at a desk.

And I want to stop complaining. now.

And would you please pass the world peace?

Huckabee.

2007-12-17T11:24:00.000-08:00

I got newsweek a few days ago to read up on this Huckabee character. All I knew about him was that he'd been a Baptist pastor and he was republican. I actually figured the second part out on my own. And then I found out he was a moderate, so I decided I needed to know what he was moderate about. I haven't figured that part out yet.

Here's the breakdown. He began his public speaking life as an assistant to a televangelist *cringe*. Then he became a pastor for 19 years, which he says he viewed the entire time as preparation for a career in politics *cringe*. He has had the usual "trouble" with the IRS, yadda yadda.... I do like that he focuses a lot on ridding the country of racial prejudice. I found out nothing of his Iraq status, or healthcare... He is all for the big wall between us and Mexico *cringe once more*...

I just have a big problem with the fact that people use religion to get into office. And we fall for it. I could be wrong... I mean about Huckabee, not about using religion... So I still don't like any of the candidates. At all. Big surprise. Maybe I'll move to Canada :).

My office had its christmas party this weekend (quite the shindig). Several of my coworkers said little things in passing that made me realize how much they respect me, which means a lot. I'm bad a gauging what others think of me, especially since I'm pretty quiet about personal life at work. Unless someone asks. At church yesterday one of the points was that we need often focus more on our environment than on God's heart. Ouch. I may not be where I'd like to be, but that's not the point. I can't have my own plans if I'm going to be where God wants me. I have a picture (ok, a vague one, but it's still there) of what my life should look like, and I have to be okay with it if God has a different picture. *sigh* mine never included offices, but it's not aabout the office. It's about the people I'm around.

Well, speaking of... lunch break is over. And I just found out I have to work monday morning. Trudge on....

my house shall be called...

2007-12-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

A group of people in Flagstaff have had a vision. One of prayer. It is a vision that is sweeping the country. They have a had a vision for a house of prayer.

Last night I came to their second meeting, and I feel like I have had a great priviledge and I'm more excited than I have been in a long time. I keep wondering, Is this why I'm still here? Is this why I've had this feeling that there is something that needs to happen, to be happening, and hasn't yet?

I sat in a circle of 12 and talked and prayed for hours. It was life-giving. I'm so excited guys. Here is the layout of wht we talked about.

1) Caution against individual leaders emerging by mere superficial talent rather than anointing. The greatest among you will be a servant to all - Matthew 17. Asking us all to be servants, level the playing field. Jesus used a child as comparison to the Kingdom of God.
2) House of Prayer is not an exclusive Flagstaff club. It does not have to be the same as the one in Kansas City, but does not have to be different. Let the Lord lead, guide and direct.
3) We are but a mist, a vapor - what is our life, then why do we boast as if our accomplishments are established by our hands verses God's Will. A fear that our plans will be too structured and organized leaving or inhibiting the direction by the God's Spirit. Do not make structure and positions first and then try to fill them with people, BUT trust God to bring people (with heart, spirit, and burden) that would call for a need to create specific structure and positions in due time.
4) Learn how to offer time as a sacrifice of praise: difference between a feeling of obligation and just being faithfully committed to the mundane and small things.
5) A structure and building will not birth a prayer movement = the difference between the old and new testament. Old: structure = brought spirit of God, New Test: we are the temple of God. Focus should not be on the look of the place but on the people inhabiting it (focus: place vs. people).Our spirit can not be limited to a structure.We don't need a place to pray.God prompted question: when are you going to be a house of prayer? God is still working on the heart of His church to humble themselves and seek His face.
6) Do not despise small beginnings
7) His yoke is easy: His call does not come as obligation but freedom.
8) A place of genuine fellowship, community, and freedom
9) Wait in Faith.
10) Those who wait will not be ashamed Ps. 25:3; 27:14; analogy of a Pregnant women: it takes nine months to conceive and develop, so you have to wait patiently to the end to know what your baby will finally look like. In the same way, we do not know fully what a Flagstaff House of Prayer will look like now, but we must wait for God to reveal to us the look and function piece by piece.
11) Can not have a ministry that needs more help then the people the ministry is trying to help. We are the temple, we do need to make one. People not living in the spirit need structure. Giving our time to God, not fitting God into our time. Natural vs. Forcing the will of God
12) We are students of Truth. Humble to reveal and learn
13) Private Room = secret place that empowers us to move into the public. Position self in a place to receive, not led by emotions but commitment. We are meant and created to pray and be intimate with Him our bridegroom.
14) A burden from God should not produce weariness. What is the burden of the Lord: that people will humble themselves and seek His face.
15) The beauty of each meeting is the unknown: not knowing what word the spirit of God has given each person individually and corporately. This builds trust and relationships.
16) Doctrine and denominational issues of those who are part of the House of Prayer. The question was: How are we going to answer the questions of people who come in while the staff comes from so many different doctrinal backgrounds. Apostle Paul said I have not determined to know nothing, but Jesus Christ and Him crucified. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 and Ephesians 4: we are prisoners of the Lord, we should admonish one another with a bond of peace, lowliness, gentleness and love. We must agree on some key doctrinal issues in order to make a statement of faith (like Jesus died and rose again), but we should not get caught up in straightening each others doctrine out because we all know in part. 1 Cor 13. UNITY.
17) Blow the trumpet, sound the alarm. Joel 2
18) Set sights High
19) We should not be so concern with every detail of how to minister and lead the lost, but be more trusting of God's spirit in us to specifically reveal truth as the relationship develops.

Scriptures Referenced:
Matthew 7:12-23;17; 25:34-40
James 4; 5
Acts 20:22-24
Duet. 26:12-13
Joel 2
2 Timothy 2:24-26
Eph 4:12
Ps. 25:3; 27:14
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13

winter wonderland

2007-12-10T21:37:00.000-08:00

I had the day off today, and it was a perfect day to have off. It's been snowing pretty much all day and right now the sky is that orange-y color it gets when it snows and there's got to be 7 inches on the ground. And on the trees. So pretty. Delightful. Amazing. I like it, to say the least.

I started out the day with cleaning out my closet (ouch) and doing dishes left over from our christmas party last night. There must've been 40 people in our place. And so this morning I washed 40 mugs that smelled like apple cider. And I felt nicely productive, which is good since I did nothing else I needed to.

Then I read my book, a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch by Solzhenitsyn (and please don't ask me to pronounce any of that. I'm thinking of learning Russian just so I can pronounce the names in books.) I Harriet Beecher Stowe help to inform America of the conditions of slavery, Solzhenitsyn informed Russia of the Soviet prison camps. It's very interesting, to say the least.

Now I must sleep for I may have to shovel out my car in the morning since they have not yet plowed our road. At all. *fingers crossed* But, mom, the rodeo handles AMAZINGLY well in the snow. Much gratefulness your way.

peace.

gym.... Lost

2007-12-06T11:37:00.001-08:00

Well, I joined a gym. I couldn't stand the sitting and... sitting... and... you get the picture. So I did it.

When you first sign up you meet with a trainer (my friend haapens to be one there so I got to do this with her) and they figure out what sorts of things will help, what won't, etc. She figured out what the back pain is about and is going to give some stretches and what not to help (yay!)

Moving around makes me happy, I've decided. I love life when I can do soemthing active and so, I think this membership is worth the money.

Now if I can only figure out how to keep my mind from going numb at work, I'll be all set. (No more books. A very sad day.)

ALso, I made the unfortunate decision to watch a few episodes of LOST. Now I need to know what the heck is going on. It's movie season. Too cold and dark for anything else. Actually, it's not cold during the day. But I work during the day. ANd this is my excuse.

lunch break is over. Peace.

Offices.

2007-12-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I looked for business-y clothes this weekend. And watched a lot of the Office, and it wasn't until today that I noticed how ironic it is that I watched the Office on my day off from the office. anyhow. I decided women's business clothes aren't made for me because none of them seem to fit right. Sad day.

That is me not being happy about offices.

So yesterday church was about God's heart for the poor, and it was hard for me to hear, being stuck here in an office all week long and not doing anything much. I feel useless. I think that is my wanderlust problem.

I started thinking back on all of the things I was involved in in Williams, and I think firstly that I did way too much stuff that I didn't need to be doing. I mean, stuff I wasn't gifted or talented at so it all stressed me out. And I failed sometimes. Which stresses me out. Ok, maybe I didn't fail, but it felt like it. Like this kids' thing I ended up running. It's gone now.

I think I've been feeling guilty that I didn't do more for the kids. I loved the kids, I didn't so much love running that thing. I don't think it was my fault though, so I decided not to feel guilty about it anymore. Which is the short version.

SOmetimes I wonder if God wants me to go back and do something with the little kids there. I haven't a clue what that would be though. There's Younglife.. and wyldlife, which are both amazing and I've seen many kids' lives changed through them and the leaders there. But, there's really not much of anything for the little ones, and really, by 5th grade they're on a path that's hard to change.

Well. Wait and see. I'm not a leader and I'm really bad at initiation. So.

I need to go return the Office and head off to home group. Peace.

blah

2007-12-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

well, it's been a while, but mainly for the reason I've nothing new to say.

I have to start dressing more professionally for work and I've decided it's a good thing I'm not going into business cause I hate dress suits. blah. that's how I feel about them. and offices. but not the Office, which I've watched a lot this week.... funny...

It actually has snowed today. It can't quite make up its mind whether to snow or rain, but I have seen some snow, and there's some on the mountains. Which means I need to go find a book and read at the coffee shop.

which means goodbye.
peace.

wanderlust

2007-11-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

So... I still feel like I need to go somewhere. I feel done here.

I did not get the job at NAU, but that is actually kind of a relief, oddly enough. I mean, I want to go back to school and finish my degree, but getting that job would've meant I'd be around for quite a while longer, and, like I said, I want to go somewhere.

I was looking at the International House of Prayer (IHOP) in Kansas City, which has an internship program that looks amazing. And expensive. Sad day. IHOP, if you've not heard of it, started a prayer meeting 7 or 8 years ago and never stopped. There has been 24/7 prayer and worship there for those years.

Well, we'll see what comes along. Maybe nothing will. Maybe I'm to be learning patience. Just when I thought I was done with that one.....

ticking

2007-11-16T19:49:00.001-08:00

You know, the truth is...

Well firstly, I want to live life. I mean, I want to experience and love and learn and I need meaningfulness.

I get the feeling that I'm sitting across from this old clock hanging on a wall. I mean, it's been there forever. You can tell. It's kinda dusty, but someone comes around every so often and brushes it off. So I'm sitting there on this old wooden chair and it's ticking at me. It's definately at me. This clock knows I'm here, and it's letting me know it's there also.

So here's this ticking going off in front of my face and I feel like I'm in some race against it, cause it's gonna stop, and I gotta move outta that chair somehow before it happens.

I don't know if it's going to take 60 years or a day. I'm not so worried about that. I'm worried I won't be able to stand up before it stops.

And I think that in all the other rooms, all the other people must feel the same way, but most people never make it up.

I was asked one of the most heart wrenching things yesterday. "Is it even worth it?" And what can I say? Well, you have a wife and kids. And money. But I know what you mean, because I se that picture in my head and you're in one of those chairs and this dream, illusion, the American way, is passing before your eyes and you can't see that clock. But you can hear it. Oh, buddy, can you hear it. And aside from this illusion you can see, you're still in that chair. And nothing will satisfy you until you stand up and swish away that dream, becuase you know it's only dust. You know it, and I know you know it, because you asked a question.
and it was the realest thing I've seen in you.

Gandhi and my ears

2007-11-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

Well I decided that since I can't actually go anywhere, I got my ears pierced. First time. I got a few funny looks when I came in to get my ears for the first time and already had a nose ring. hehe.

I feel a little better now. but my feet still itch.

And the other template was too dark. I felt emo (ish), and dark and scary. I don't really go for the whole dark/scary thing. I might be ok with dark/mysterious, but that's a lot of effort. So I'm back to light.

I finished the book by the guy who walked across Russia (very interesting). I'm about to start Gandhi, which is only ok if I read it at work because it is not trendy there. Anywhere else in Flagstaff and it'd be completely trendy to read Gandhi. So I'm glad I work at a non-Gandhi-trend-ish place. Cause I really do want to read it. I don't go for the whole trendy thing either (haha, right. Trends are somewhat unavoidable in this world. I just thought I'd say that to look cool, which is also trendy. haha....)

Blessings.

i wanted you to know

2007-11-13T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am going CRAZY. I need to GO somewhere and DO something. Anything. blahhhhh.....

just thought i'd let you know...

borrowed thoughts

2007-11-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

"an incredibly powerful liberating force for all of us who want to TRY to take on the tough questions in life knowing that there probably won't be any definitive answers, just the fragile hope that doing the right thing will inevitably lead us deeper into the beauty of life and closer to the ultimate artist who created it. Trying to live in solidarity with the tough questions and follow Jesus is tremendously difficult at times, and the hardest part is that one of the main things that is meant to sustain us in this journey (relationship with each other) is often times the cause of the greatest struggle and doubt! How can we get around this dilemma? Well, in my opinion one of the only definitive answers is that we can't get around it. We have to believe in relationships and continue to invest in them no matter what. The relationships that we build and the experience that we share together are, I think, the highest form of art. The greatest beauty that we can create is what we create in each other, in the way that we mold, shape, and color each others lives in a manner that leads us toward God's shalom (the epitome of beauty)."

I borrowed this quote from the Ashram because it seems to explain life pretty well to me.

It's good to hear someone say that it's right to keep asking the questions we won't find answers to in the way we want to. It's always so good to hear something true about life with God, especially when it's hard to hear because it's the hard-to-hear things that don't get said often enough.

Blessings.

hiking

2007-11-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

I climbed up a mountain today. I always feel better after I climb mountains. I was on my way up and getting to that point where I was really tired but had come all that way and didn't want to quit. I, however, am not a person you would apply the adjective "motivated" to. So I decided to ask the next person I saw walking down how much further it was to the top. There was a woman a little ways ahead of me so I kept walking. I got closer and saw that she was, I'd guess, 5 or 6 months pregnant. I decided then and there to hike the rest of the way if I died doing it.

Needless to say, I have a new hero.

Max

2007-11-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

Just watched that Max movie. It was heartbreaking.

I did see that movie the Passion when it came out. You know what made me cry the most was the part when Judas recieved the 30 silver coins. This movie reminded me of that somehow, even though it never got to Hitler's "rule". I'm not sure why exactly... maybe because it could have been so different.

There is no such thing as a self-made person. There are always circumstances and events that make us who we are. We only get to choose our reactions. Or sometimes we cause these events. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, we don't cause them they jst happen to us. And we make a decision.

People need love.

People really, really need love. It doesn't matter who they are, what they've experienced, because we don't know the future. We don't know that they will continue to make the wrong decisions. Or that they will begin to. We don't know.

I don't know. You don't know.

This person, Max, did not know what Hitler would become. How could he have known? All Max could do was help Hitler. Sometimes he failed at that. But he didn't know.

All Jesus asked was that we love.

And then trust. Because, I can't make a decision for you. You can't make one for me. Such is life. Trust is an extremely frightening thing. A very vulnerable position to be in. Such is life.

Really, Hitler was just a person. He was human. Real, vulnerable, and very bitter. Very hurt.

Eventually out of his mind.

well i am going to try to sleep. wish me luck. blessings.

approaching...

2007-11-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

ratatouille anyone? now i'm thinking in a french accent. oui oui.

i'm almost through the FDR biography. WWII is almost over, so tomorrow i'm borrowing a friend's movie about hitler called Max. supposed to be good. we'll see if i get through it though. same with the book. this author would be good at writing text books. can we say dry? but very informative. and biased. against eleanor. the woman had to put up with a lot, he needs to cut her some slack.

christmas is approaching. i mean, thanksgiving... and veteran's day. (which i have off :)) while i was in OK i was looking through some old photo albums and happened upon an old letter my great-grandfather (whom i never met. Togo Lord.) wrote a few days after Pearl Harbor. Apparently he was stationed there and was on the ground looking for ammo to shoot down planes with. My aunt on the other side o the family was telling me a couple of weeks ago that my grandpa's brother also took part in WWII. he was one of the soldiers killed in the Philippines.

it's humbling to me.

christmas is approaching and the weather is at a steady 70 and sunny. something in this picture is a little off. they're predicting a dry year for snow. hello fire restrictions.

my life is approaching. i feel kind of guilty, like i'm just sitting around watching it pass by. and answering phones. but that's ok, because God hasn't moved me yet. and it's still warm enough to keep the door open. so i sit and stare at the narnia-world from my desk and marvel at those walking about in freedom beyond it. if they only knew what they had. *sigh*

sleepy time. blessings.

so maybe...

2007-10-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

The "sinner's prayer" doesn't save people. Wait. Hold on a minute.

Maybe we save people by acting in love, God's love, towards them. The disciples never led anyone in a special prayer. People came to be saved by living as a christian, by claiming that Jesus is Lord. (Kinda like the Bible says...) Maybe little acts we do towards people draws them nearer to God than any prayer.

Ok, so it says that God has forgiven everyone, yes? That the only "unforgivable sin" anyone can commit is to reject Jesus. So, instead of focusing on all of the "bad things" we've done in order to know God, why aren't we showing people Love? And in showing them Love, the way to live in Love. The way to know Love (aka God).

I met a homeless man today while I was doing laundry. He talked to me for a little while outside of a coffee place downtown (next to the coin-op). The people at the table next to us were casting sidelong glances, ready to spring into action. After he left they asked me if I was alright. Because I listened to a lonely homeless man for 10 minutes. They made me feel like I'd commited some unspeakable act.

Cold shoulders and sneers must get old pretty quick. There are a lot of men like that who come by the coffee shop where I work. Sometimes they're given food, usually they just ask for a glass of water. I don't know this man's past. He has one, though. We all do, don't we? Maybe we should give the same amount of respect to everyone. Can you love someone without respecting them? Without acknowledging the fact that we're all human, we all have history, and it's not all pretty. We're in different places in life, but what does that have to do with our worth as people?

Just some thoughts from the day. Blessings.

friday!

2007-10-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

Watched Evan Almighty last night. It was incredibly cheesy and the acting wasn't so hot, but it surprises me when hollywood doesn't make fun of God. They made some really good comments. Like, Do you think when you ask for patience God just gives you some, or does He place you in situations tha require a great deal of patience? etc.

Watched Across the Universe for the second time tonight. Still amazing.

No, I do not spend my life watching movies. I've also taken up tennis (again) since the weather is still nice.

I also may go to a parade tomorrow. An NAU parade at that. It would be the first NAU event I've attended since orientation. If you count that as an "event".

Time for sleep. Blessings.

this week...

2007-10-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was vulnerable. And I decided, I don't like being vulnerable. It's a little uncomfortable actually.

But good.

Yesterday at work a couple of the guys were up front and we got to talking about politics which led into religion. One of them is a christian, pretty conservative, etc. The other is an 'I-don't-care-what-you-think-as-long-as-you-don't-mess-with-others', anarchist, yet middle of the road (businessman-conservative, moral-liberal). I don't think I classify as anything at this point. One of the managers likes to call me a communist. I think because I'm studying social work and I read books about Eleanor Roosevelt. It actually is pretty far from the truth. Truthfully, the government scares me half to death, and I'd really rather it didn't gain more power. But, I think our country should take care of its own. As to how those two go together? Beats me. Actually I think the states should have more individual power. Not a lot, but I think if something needs to be done, it should more often be done on a small scale.

Our office is pretty diverse in that respect. There are a couple of flamin liberals (I think I've been placed in that category since they don't know what else to do with me), a few middle of the roaders, and a couple of staunch (and fiery) conservatives. A nonreligious Jew, a christian jew, a fiery mexican christian, a catholic, a few nonreligious, a lesbian, and me. They usually avoid political conversations like the plague for the safety of all involved. lol. But every couple of weeks one of those chain emails will appear on the white board making fun of a political party. Usually democrats, since they're outnumbered.

it is interesting to say the least.

It's black tie week at the coffee shop. Yup, shirt and tie. Or dress. I found a dress at the thrift store for the occasion. Coffee making can get messy. We're also having a chili cook-off at the office on friday. Yee-haw. Yippie kai-ay. All that stuff. Only I think the music selection shall be confined to some hip hop. The boss is in charge of music. There will most likely be tequila, which means whoever's left that afternoon will be in a great mood. I like it when they're in good moods.

We will be holding the first sock wrestling tournament this weekend. The guys have their poker nights, we get sock wrestling. Should be good.

Need sleep. Blessings.

Community

2007-10-21T23:28:00.001-07:00

We started work on a community garden today. We got permission to turn a lot in back of the coffee shop into one. Today we cleared junk and weeds. There were a lot of weeds. And junk. We found disco balls. And skis. And like 7 desks. It was great.

It's so refreshing to actually DO something that we always talk about doing.

Afterwards we had story time (Hans Christian Anderson) and drank coffee and ate strawberry cheesecake.

I feel like I got some rest last weekend, in Oklahoma. We went to a Regatta race on the river which was fun and made me wish I were cool and in shape and could row a boat like them. But I'm not and I can't. It was still fun.

I feel like God is constantly surrounding me with extremely hurting people. I love them to death, but sometimes I get so tired. Which makes me feel selfish. I'm still not very good at giving that burden to God. It sounds funny, doesn't it, to need to give other people's pain to God... Sometimes I wonder if I should be a social worker, but I think it'd be worse to live and purposely not get involved in people when they're going through hard things, not to do anything to help. I guess I could help without being a sw lol..

I wonder if all the world is like this, if there aren't people who are just happy. Some people seem to be that way, but that is probably because it takes a while before you can see that far into a person's life.

It's so important and yet so hard to remember that people act the way they do because of their past. I think we'd all be a lot more understanding if we knew what was going on inside each other. I think I would.

We all assume so much. It's easier that way, I think. I like doing things sometimes to throw people off. Kinda fun.

I should get some sleep. Blessings.

the fountainhead

2007-10-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

Back at work... not one person has come in yet this morning :(. WInter's always slower.

I just finished the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It was one of the best books I've read in a while. Wrong, but good, well written and interesting. It's not every book that can hold your attention throughout its entirety, and almost never through 700 pages. Ayn Rand grew up in the Soviet Union (adding her to my list of favorite russian authors) and once she escaped from that she came up with a new philosophy she called Objectivism which she somewhat discovered through writing. I should say, she portrayed her ideas in her writing which helped her in her formulation process.

The Fountainhead was written to portray the ideal man and the contrast between collectivism and egotism. There are no mediums for Ayn Rand. Her "ideal man", Howard Roark, is an egotist. It's not that he doesn't care about other people, it is simply that he does not think of them. Ms. Rand wanted to make his character as real and alive as possible so she went into great details and descriptions about him, however I didn't get a sense of his being "alive" until he showed a hint of compassion. Until then he seemed more robotic than anything.

It was a very interesting book, and philosophy. She needed to make room for love and compassion though.

I have a question. How far do you think Jesus meant for us to take the whole "turn the other cheek" thing? My roommate and I had an intense conversation with someone about it on our trip. I think I've always put a limit on it. Did Jesus though? It's a kinda scary thing to think about. It would mean changing a lot about the way I think.

People came in, gotta go....

plan.

2007-10-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm stalling working on my resume... I've never had to make one before.

So, I have a BRILLIANT fall back plan. Ready? If I don't get the job, I think I'll become a flight attendant. I know someone who did it for a few years, and it's been at the back of my mind for a couple years. Firstly, free travel. Secondly, they make bank so I'd only have to do it for a couple years and then I could pay for the rest of my schooling. Thirdly, the training is free and short. That, is my plan.

Ok, I really need to work on this.

books

2007-10-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

The rules:
Bold what you have read, italicize books you’ve started but couldn’t finish, and strike through books you hated. Add an asterisk* to those you’ve read more than once. Underline those on your TBR list.

I can't do all that so I'm typing beside them...

Jonathan Strange & M. Norrell
Anna Karenina*
Crime and Punishment - Read
Catch-22 TBR
One hundred years of solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion* Life of Pi: a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote - couldn't finish
Moby Dick - read
Ulysses TBR
Madame Bovary TBR
The Odyssey - read
Pride and Prejudice *
Jane Eyre *
A Tale of Two Cities - read
The Brothers Karamazov*
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace*
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveller’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma*
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner TBR
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations - couldn't finish
American Gods
A heartbreaking work of staggering genius
Atlas shrugged TBR
Reading Lolita in Tehran - read
Memoirs of a Geisha - read
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury tales TBR
The Historian
A portrait of the artist as a young man
Love in the time of cholera
Brave new world
The Fountainhead - am reading
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch - read
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo*
Dracula
A clockwork orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King*
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible
1984 TBR
Angels & Demons
The Inferno TBR
The Satanic Verses
Sense and sensibility*
The Picture of Dorian Gray*
Mansfield Park*
One flew over the cuckoo’s nest TBR
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist - read
Gulliver’s Travels
Les misérables - didn't like this one
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The curious incident of the dog in the night-time
Dune
The Prince TBR
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes
The God of Small Things
A people’s history of the United States : 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A confederacy of dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The unbearable lightness of being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-five
The Scarlet Letter - read
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita TBR
Persuasion*
Northanger Abbey*
The Catcher in the Rye TBR
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame - didn't like this one
Freakonomics
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
The Aeneid
Watership Down TBR
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit*
In Cold Blood
White teeth
Treasure Island - read
David Copperfield*
The Three Musketeers*

Telluride/Ouray

2007-10-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well, for once I am actually posting the pictures I promised..

Emily and I had today off (I'm not sure why we still have a Columbus day, but it's nice to have a day off), so we decided to go on a trip. After much deliberation, and fruitless searches for cheap hotels in a number of locations (within 8 hours driving distance) we found a room in Cortez Colorado. It held many attractions or us. One, the cheap hotel. Two, it is within an hour of Durango and Telluride. Three, it is only 4.5-ish hours away.

So, we get to the hotel without trouble or lostness. It's a pink motel crammed in beside a restaurant called Nero's (who would name a retaurant after Nero???) The room was rather large (good) and rather stained (bad). By stained, I mean the carpet looked like a church carpet after a few years, the walls had who knows what on them, and the sheets may not have been what you would call white. It also smelled like a mix between stale smoke, hotel room (they all have a smell), and alcohol. So, we drove to the nearby SuperWalmart (where the local teens were hanging out playing hide and go seek because, as we soon discovered, there is nothing else to do in Cortez) where we purchased some candles and hand sanitizer.

We spent about 20 minutes driving around town trying to find the rest of the town. Not ahving any luck, we pull into the Sonic and ask the voice at the sign, Is there anything to do in theis city? The voice obviously sensing the urgency of this question replies, Hold on a minute I'll be right there. Out comes a middle aged man covered in tattoos and piercings. He gets up to the car and the tattoos are all of disney and peanuts characters. He tells us, Yes this really is all of the city and there is no more.

I like meeting people.

After a night without much sleep I wake up in the morning to see cockroaches scattering on the walls. We leave.

The drive to Telluride was gorgeous, the leaves were beautiful.

(Yes, we match, and No, not on purpose)

So we get to Telluride and end up riding on the gondola with a pastor carrying a guitar who leads a service on the mountain every sunday after his church meets. His name is Tree. The service was amazing. There were about 10 or so of us sitting there looking out over Telluride and these huge mountains singing songs to God about His love and His creation. Pastor Tree gave a short message on a verse in Isaiah and told us about the "Good Shepherd" paintings you'll see around. He said that when a lamb wanders from the herd the shepherd has to follow it for hours until it is so worn out it literally falls down. We all know that image of Jesus walking with a lamb across his shoulders, but what I didn't know was that a lamb won't stay on the Shepherd's shoulders if all of its legs are working. the shpeherd actually has to break the lamb's front leg in order to carry it back to the flock. The pastor said that if you look, in the paintings the lamb's leg is actually broken. Then the shepherd talks to the lamb the whole way back and the lamb never forgets the shpeherd's voice after that. Also, the front leg that the shpeherd breaks heals faster than any of the other legs.

Something to think about huh?

Here's a pic of the church, a few of the ladies were from Austen, TX; a couple of them were from Telluride, and the older man is also from Telluride. He actually climbs the mountain every week with his dogs and never misses a Sunday. I made friends with Peanut, the golden retriever in the back. He kept me warm :).

We spent the afternoon in Telluride and Emily managed to end up on the front page of the paper the morning as the 'quote of the day'. We stopped at a gas station just outside of the town this morning and she came out of the station with the paper and her picture at the top of the front page. Too funny. We also found a few things in the Free box. A box of stuff you can take for free. I found a shirt and a large, foam Woody the Cowboy hat for James (told him I'd get him something for covering my shift)

We stayed the night with Julie's parents who own an RV park by Ouray, and spent this morning there. We had a deep discussion about absolutes and submission. I decided to become a nun. Submitting is a scary thing, and a hard thing. I realized I need to re-evaluate and study what the Bible says about all of that, and what it would look like in a marriage. So.. I think there's good work for nuns in India... No, but seriously, I've got questions, and I don't think I like this concept very much.. no one said following God was easy.

We managed to find a little outlet store that sells goods from around the world AND the man was selling everything for dirt cheap because it's the end of the season. Quite exciting.

And now, I need a shower. badly.
Blessings.

ouray

2007-10-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO OURAY!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so excited.

pictures to come.

Sufjan

2007-09-28T17:36:00.001-07:00

I'm in a mood. I'm ready to pick up and take off somewhere. It;s not really that bad. It's just been a grey day; a dickens-esque sort of day. I think everyone who called in today at work felt the same way, cause they were all in a bad mood. Well, most of the people who call in are anyways (property management), but today it was worse. And traffic was awful. Maybe I'll go get my ears pierced or smthing since I can't very well run away.

I went to a Jimmy Eat World show last night. It was great. The band that opened was pretty amazing too, they're called the Stiletto Formal. My friend's brother is in it. It's fun to go to shows like that, the crowd gets really into it. They sold out Prochnow..

I stopped taking the iron again, going to see how I do. It was making me feel funny.

I read a biography on Amelia Earhart. I hadn't known she was a Social Worker.. She worked in the settlement houses that Jane Hull began. They were some pretty amazing women.

Got to go run errands (bleh). Oh, I got the new Sufjan Stevens cd. It's the extra stuff from his Illinois album, and it's about his past. There's this slightly off key guitar that comes through at certain points that symbolizes the way the past sometimes interrupts or invades the present. It's very good.

Blessings.

the Office, small towns, absolutes

2007-09-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

Today was interesting.. have I ever said much about my work? The office one, I mean. I don't think I have... but if you've ever watched the Office (Steve Carell).. think of it as an exaggerated version of my office.

On Sunday we had a get-together sort of thing. We went out to my boss's place for a shooting contest/bbq. He does these mounted shooting competitions from his horses and has an arena set up at his place. Well, he decided to have the gang over for a little competition. But, being as none of us are horsemen (women), or pro shooters, we got to use the tractor. Mmhmm. It was great. And, he has a little loudspeaker dealio set up so that he could give directions on a mic, which he also used to play some hip-hop/country (I didn't know such a genre existed) music.

Today they were trying to decide what to do for the holiday light parade this year. They started out with a Tribute to Barbara Streisand, complete with back-up singers. Cross dressed, of course. Then, someone mentioned that the catholic school has a bus availble to rent for a small fee. That turned into a Partridge Family Christmas. Cross dressed. Somehow that turned into converting a golf cart into a "Pope-mobile", complete with mafia. (Apparently the goal is to offend as many people as possible.) These ideas were cast aside for a more tame "North Pole" theme with penguins and elves.

So, the beginning of the day was.. amusing, to say the least. Then, I met one of the new owners of a rental, who happens to have the same last name as I do. It doesn't happen very often, so we were chatting, and she found out where I was from and then knew my parents names, because, her husband has the same name as my dad. FUnny thing. When they first moved out here, they'd meet people who would know who my dad was and tell this couple about it.

It's a small world in these parts.

Near the end of the day I was talking to someone else from Williams. He told me his in-laws had gone to one of the funerals for one of the kids. Apparently during the eulogies, the high school kids were getting up and talking about how they were going to remember this kid by drinking and smoking weed because that's what he'd want. . I don't even know what to say... It's like, God's trying to get their attention.. they're so far removed.. or somehting. I mean, how can anyone be so stupid?? Why would you ever say anything like that, much less believe it?

I was (am) pretty upset, to say the least. I went hiking. Still upset. Makes me sick really. Man. The old coach says that if he were still coaching the football team, there wouldn't be one cause he'd have kicked every one of the kids off the team. He's never seen the high school full of kids that were.. like this.

God bless the christians in that town.

God help the little kids while they're helpable.

I had an interesting convo with a friend of mine getting his masters in sociology. Isn't it interesting that each generation has it's own sort of reality. This generation is defined by "reality tv" and all that. A fake reality, a manicured, put together one. "You can be anything" has taken an ugly turn, and humanity is posing as something superhuman.

It's also interesting that as the church, it's pretty popular to try to reach youth with the flashy, fasterthanyoucanthink entertainment that they're used to in the media. It's like trying to convey God, who He is, by using something they're already getting instead of using something real and of Him. Like, you know that feeling of joy you get when you see a sunset or listen to really moving music, basically anything aesthetically pleasing? Shouldn't we be trying to convey that sort of thing instead of that empty, fast-paced stuff.

And I have a question. I believe in absolutes. Obviously. But, what are they? Certain morals we have are dictated by our worldview, or the cultural lenses we have on. This is the example I think of: My roommate's family lived in Uzbekistan for 4 years. In that country, abortion is used as birth control, and the women have never been taught that it is wrong. Now, obviously abortion is a wrong thing. But if these women have not been taught that this is bad and have no convictions to tell them it is, can they be innocent of doing a wrong even while commit it? My point is, we are all inundated by different things in our cultures and maybe we can commit wrong acts and yet remain innocent because we have no concept of the rightness or wrongness of that action.

Also, what makes something absolutely good or bad? Is it defined by its consequence? For instance, war. Cna war be considered morally ok if it produces good for a group of people, Or, is the action of murder always absolutely wrong regardless of the ends? And can an act be considered "good" if it takes a "bad" act to produce the "good"? In order for something to be absolutely good, does it have to produce only good? Can we define an absolutely good act one that causes good effects for the common people, all people the act has an effect on?

I'm not very far into my reasoning, but opinions help.

Well, I really need to get to sleep. Blessings.

Grief

2007-09-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

This week. hm.

Reminders that life is so very fragile, so short. Painful. Joyous. New. Old. Precious.

A car crash killed 5 kids in my hometown this week. One survived.

"Did you know them?" "Yea, I knew some of them" How many tims did I hear that one this week? It's a trajedy, but, unless you have lived in a small town, you have no idea what it's like. Classes were canceled in the schools. The town is subdued.

It brought back bad memories from this same week, 6 years ago, and not of 9-11. A suicide that caused the same reaction. Only this time there were five, and I can only pray that these deaths don't cause the same effects as that one. It's been a hard week, and I feel like instead of mourning for 5 deaths, I was mourning for 6. And it was good to grieve, because I hadn't yet.

People make choices. They do. No one makes choices for them, but someone needs to love them. Everyone needs to be loved, isn't that why we're here? To be loved? And to love. That is the purpose.

I watched the movie, the Lady in the Water tonight. it was very good. The main character lost his wife and kids several years prior to the events taking place. He begins to have life once more when he discovers that he has a purpose, he can help someone, he turns out to be the "healer" needed to help the young girl. His healing couldn't come about until he expressed and acknowleged his grief, loss.

Kind of the plank in the eye story placed in a different context.

It was good to be home for a short while. I'd begun to wallow. That's not a good thing to do. The Joy of the Lord is my strength. It's kinda hard to have joy when you're wallowing.

I've always wished I had the gift of healing. Except that I'm afraid that to be a healer you have to see the hurt. I hate seeing hurt. Maybe I wouldn't if I could fix it.

No, I still would.

But, life, here, is short and pain won't last forever.

Thank God for heaven. Blessings.

survey

2007-09-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

It's super slow at work today. So here i go....

50 ODD things about you!

If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!

1. How tall are you?
5'7" ish

2. Have you ever done heroin?
nope. DOn't do drugs!!!!

3. Do you own a gun?
a water gun. only it doesn't work, I got it at Saver's fro 50 cents, I have a war going with Julie's little brother.

4. Do you recycle?
yes.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
i try to avoid them altogether, and that usually works. doctors aren't as bad as dentists, but i don't trust them.

6. What do you think about hot dogs?
only when grilled, and only if i don't think about what's in them. I just found out what they make jello out of. I feel somewhat btrayed by Bill Cosby, him and his not-so-innocent jello jigglers!

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
White Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
OJ or a double americano

9. Can you do push ups?
once upon a time i could do like 35. that was a few years ago. now i can do 1. maybe.

10. Is your bathroom clean?
usually....

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
a wood necklace

12. Do you like painkillers?
wierd question... no i don't, but sometimes they're necessary.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
sounds like being a hunter. "we have to be vewy quiet, we aw hunting wabbits!" or men.

16. Middle Name?
Beth

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment..
Johnny just finished duct-taping his backpack, this morning is really slow (at work), i want to take a nap later

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
apples, dinner at dara thai (evil jungle princess mmmm), gas

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
coffee, water, juice

20. Who is your hero?
santa claus. he gives and gives every year. i don't know why that came to mind.

21. Last person you called?
emily

22. Current worry?
getting the job at nau...

23. Current hate?
busyness. almost like business... hmm ironic

24. Favorite place to be?
outside.. preferably when it's pretty and nice. oo in a hammock, with a book. and gingersnaps.

25. How did you bring in the new year?
i don't remember.... it was too long ago.. hmm

26. Where would you like to go?
man, anywhere at this point.. i haven't been out of AZ in so long

27. Do you own slippers?
i think they're under my bed somewhere

28. What shirt are you wearing?
white t

29. Do you burn or tan?
right now i'm peeling, and i'm so disappointed beacause the tan is peeling off.

30. Favorite color(s)?
blue and green

32. Are you wearing socks right now?
nope. i hate closing my feet in.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
i don't usually sing in the shower... but sometimes....

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
i think some sort of wolf creature. that's odd. i've never thought about that before. I wonder why a wolf?

35. What's in your pockets right now?
nada

36. Last thing/person that made you laugh?
Johnny Cornelius asking roseanna if she had her tattoo with her..

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
I think I had Pocahontas ones. Funny thing is I didn't see Pocahontas til I was in high school.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I fractured my arm once... but it didn't hurt that bad

39. Are you doing anything else right now?
sitting in the coffee shop. waiting for 2 o clock

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
uno

41. Who is your loudest friend?

Kristen maybe
42. Who is your most silent friend?
hmmm sometimes Roseanna.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
don't think so

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
yup

45. What is your favorite book?
David Copperfield

46. What is your favorite candy?
twizzlers

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
beats me... something pretty, and not the wedding march. actually, if i could have someone playing a pretty instrument, i wouldn' care much what the song was.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
whatever they want to play

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
watching 3:10 to Yuma at Harkins

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
why the heck did i agree to seeing a movie last night?

Weekend

2007-09-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today I put on some Rich Mullins while I cleaned a little and played that song.. the Prairie Calling out Your Name one, and it made feel like I used to when I was little. Iremember when our family'd drive somewhere through plains, I'd want to run and run and run and never be tired, just for the sheer joy of it. There's a Cheri Keagy? song that always made me feel that way, the one that goes 'If I stand, with my face to the wind, with the storm beating down on this sacred ground I will not stand alone' or something like that. I'm sure I got the words wrong.

I love that feeling of joy that makes you want to do something like that. For me, it's running and never stopping and laughing and yelling because the joy is overwhelming. I used to (still am) be jealous of Lucy and Susan in the Chronicles of Narnia, because they got to do that with Aslan. Someday...

I went to the Vineyard this Sunday. It was the one of the best church "services" I've ever been in. Instead of a sermon, there were three options. Some people went out on San Fransisco and gave out water bottles. Others went out in the community around the church and cleaned up trash, and others stayed and prayed for the community. I felt like I ought to stay, and I'm so glad I did. The prayer was so.. Spirit filled. It was so powerful, and so, so good and encouraging to hear these people cry out for their city.

It is a good thing to show people who Jesus is. And it is a good thing to be love.

On Saturday mornings there is an old man (80's) who has a prayer ministry at NewSong. His name is Jack. It is my favorite part about the coffee shop, to sit and listen to Jack tell stories (and he's got 'em) about God in his life, and bits of wisdom he's learned. He kept me company (pretty much told me stories non-stop) for like 2 hours straight this weekend. He talks most of the power of prayer, and being with God.

It is a good thing to love God.

Blessings.

Today

2007-09-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

I did it, 13 inches off!

I like it a lot, it's much lighter now...

The sky is huge and clear blue right now.. It looks like the beginning of Fall :). I bought some apple cider the other day from a couple guys on the side o the road in Oak Creek and it was like heaven in a glass. They told us that they sell it at the local farmer's market that meets on Beaver on Sunday mornings, but when we looked for them they weren't there. We did, however, find a sweet new store across the street. It's a colorful, funky artist studio/shop that sells everything from tall drippy candles and paintings to old television sets and records.

Today should be a quiet day (I'm at work). It's Labor day weekend, and everyone's at the fair or the creek.

All of the students are back (college town). Campus is its own little world when school's in. The tea house was packed on monday night, somewhat different crowd than you might see there in the summer. The college kids bring a different vibe to the hippi community that congregates there. Funny thing, the crowd at Macy's and the crowd at the tea house are kinda different, though I would've grouped them together. The tea house seems more upper class, which is funny, because I wouldn't have said that hippis could be upper class. They are though. My friend calls them "neo-hippis".

They don't talk much about love anymore. They mostly rant against society, normalcy, "the Man"... like the emo kids, but without the girl jeans and eye liner. These kids don't really want to change the world, they just want to complain about it. Kinda sad.

I know, look who's talking huh?

Oh man, my roommate got a couple of seasons of 24... I started watching them last night and couldn't stop. what happened to those happy tv sitcoms that were always resolved at the end of the show?

Well, I am going to enjoy the quiet, pretty day. And mop. Blessings.

And then

2007-08-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

Ok.. still no decision, but I've destressed (mostly). I am having a hard time leaning either way, there are pros and cons with each. Ok, so maybe I'm still leaning towards staying here. I am keeping an open mind though, and learning how to make decisions. Sort of.

Right, so it takes me 30 minutes to decide what kind of movie to watch (and that's just for the genre.. then I have to pick one). Well, what happens happens. Such is life.

I think it would be easier for me to decide if we weren't going into the Fall season. It is in fact the best season. Ever. (I hooked one of my friends into watching a Christmas movie with me last night. We were walking around downtown, eating Pita Pit, and found the christmas store. She had never seen It's a Wonderful Life, and well, that just can't be allowed, so we watched it.)

The other day at work one of the guys was listening to his music (after the boss left), and I like music, I do... Earlier he had Norah Jones playing.. very good. But, later, turned up good and loud, I heard the tunes of Chicago blaring down the hall. Oh goodness. Well, after about 15 minutes of this I heard Mike yelling as only Mike can do, "WHO IS LISTENING TO CHICAGO OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN??!!" And he went on for a few minutes.. then I heard Jeremy Camp blaring out of Mike's office, and him telling his assistant, Amanda, this is a lot better huh, this is christian music, man he's good.

It's things like this that make my day amusing.

I have to go.. we're having a poker night Benny and Joon style at my place tonight...

Blessings!

Phoenix

2007-08-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Not Phoenix, never Phoenix, I can't move to Phoenix! Please don't make me do it. My friend told me to read the story of Jonah. Fitting.

I have a chance to work for a children services organization. In Phoenix. (Why me?)

Ok, good reasons to move to Phoenix:
1. ASU has one of the nest Social Work programs in the country.
2. This job is in my field (ish.. it's a receptionist/secretary position).
3. My family lives there.

Good reasons NOT to move to Phoenix:
1. It's Phoenix.
2. I love Flagstaff. i love mountains and trees and cool weather and good coffee and frisbee and hiking and places I can go to be alone outside and music.
3. My churches. I love them. (I go to 3 now..)
4. My friends. They're wonderful.
5. My house. I'm used to being on my own now. It would be hard to move back home, for me and for my parents. And for Beth who would have to share a room with me.

Ok, being reasonable. There are good churches in Phoenix. There are not good mountains in Phoenix. I may like the people i meet there, but I will not enjoy the place. There is no comparing. I am not being negative (ok, maybe a little), I simply do not like the desert (fine. I live in a desert too. I mean the normal desert with cacti and sand and no trees to be seen).

So, I did not read the story of Jonah. I know it already. Besides, Jonah still didn't like Ninevah after he left. Not a happy ending. I'd rather not have to compare myself with Jonah.

I'll move if everything works out to where I know God wants me to. And I'll try not to have a bad attitude, because that never helped anything. The thought of it, at this point, is rather depressing though.

I don't want to leave.

Patience

2007-08-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

I'm at work right now, I got to open today instead of close. A couple older men are sitting up front having their coffee and papers. One just told me that "the obvious is overlooked and the innocent always suffer." I replied, Well that's a wonderful phrase to start the day with. (In my head)

Now he's reading the paper, and apparently the article is on the school. He thinks it strange that the kid in the picture could get an A with his feet only halfway in his shoes and all. But, it's better than the flip flops some of 'em wear, the ones that are failing that is. Yes, yes, it's a mystery to me, I tell him. I suppose there are many obstacles to be overcome in education these days. OK, I didn't really say that either.

But I wanted to.

Conviction is the topic of the week. It is so refreshing to be around people with convictions, whether I agree with them or not. It's good to know when people care about something. It's good to know there are things worth believing. Really believing, faith believing, you know? Like, they do things differently because of their belief.

Facing out of the windows in the front of the shop is Mt Elden, and the Peaks are to the side a little farther off. I love it, facing this huge wall of mountain and trees, especially when it's cloudy. I'm sitting and looking at this mountain in front of me.. It's so much easier to sit and look at mountains than it is to climb them, especially when you're forging your own trail.

Does God ask us to sit and look sometimes? I think so, but it doesn't make much sense. To me.

In blogger world people talk, ponder, visit, escape... In real world we do the same thing. Mostly. And mostly I think it's not good. Right now, though, God's asking me to do that. So here I sit, looking at this mountain (it really needs to be climbed). The nations are crying out.

I'm not very patient.

Church

2007-08-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been so blessed lately, I love to come together with people and have random church services. Maybe that's the wrong word, because all we really do is talk about God, and God things, and how they play out in real life. We've gotten to pray for each other, encourage each other, offer wisdom and accept wisdom. It's so powerful to be the Church outside of the church.

Last night, for example, emily and I had a bunch of people over for cookies and whatnot and something brought up one person's convictions. A seemingly small thing, but it's often small things that really grate against our conscience. It's so good for us to be able to share our convictions with one another, especially when we don't all agree.

For one thing, God's children need to keep one another in mind, as loving brothers and sisters always should. For another, we can always learn from each other. Another friend very wisely said, God places things on our hearts to help others to grow. By mentioning our convictions, we can help others to grow, so long as it is done without pride.

This is going to sound odd, but another way I was so blessed last night, was that while a few of us were praying for someone, my car was being vandalized. Maybe I should've said that the other way around. It's strange, but, to know that God always has perfect timing... Maybe I needed that before I found out what had happened.

Yes my poor car has been through a lot lately. Thankfully, all they did was bust a couple windows. My tires and the rest of the car was fine. Mostly everyone stayed safe. That's most important. It was a disturbing sight though, to see my poor car sitting there with all the doors and the trunk open wide, with the windows shattered..

Well, I have to go, I'm supposed to be home right now (oops) fro foreign movie night :).

Blessings!

this and that

2007-07-26T09:28:00.001-07:00

It's been quite a while. It's been busy, but good for the most part. I just got back from camping up at Big Lake. I confess, I had my doubts when I heard we were camping in Arizona, but Big Lake is surprisingly pretty. It is an area full of spruces and firs and aspens, not just the usual ponderosa pines. It was very green too, this because of the massive amounts of rain they recieve. Every day. I like rain, I do, but when you're camping it's a bit of a hassle. And it's cold. At 9,000 feet it's cool anyways.

I did enjoy the sun while it was out, I got about half way through David Copperfield and ended up with a pretty good sunburn... We played lots of badminton, as usual, and we got pretty good at it. I'm not sure how the days passed so quickly, being as we did not do much of anything, but it always seemed to be later in the day than I expected it to be.

We left early, we were going to stay til Friday, and coming back to the Valley, I expected the usual blistering heat and sun. The one time you look forward to the sun in Phoenix it happens to be hidden by more clouds. So I've come to the decision that I probbly won't ever be able tolive in Oregon. I need sunshine.

So now we're back in Phoenix and I have a couple days of vacation left. I think we'll be going to the concert in the park in downtown Glendale tonight. RIght now we're going to look for some henna at Trader Joe's.

On the book update, I just finished a biography on Tolstoy, decided he was very interesting, confused, and wrong, and I don't like him but I still love his books. He was very, very sexist. Poor wife.

I also read the Six Wives of King Henry the VIII. Also an interesting man. It is rather humbling to read about history and realize there really is no new thing under the sun. We saw a movie last night and one of the previews was for a new movie that's coming out about Elizabeth the I (King Henry's daughter, sister to Mary Tudor or Bloody Mary).

Now I'm on the second half of the biography of Eleanor Roosevelt. The interesting half, all about FDR's presidency and the New Deal legislation. The tough thing about federal law is that it covers a great deal of diversity in our country, and for this reason I think it may not work so well here as in smaller countries. I think the New Deal was necessary though.

It's been nice to get away for a while..

Socialism solved

2007-06-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

I recently learned an interesting fact about presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton. According to the Village Voice, she was one of the fist women to serve on the Board for (drumroll please....) our friendly, local business-squashing, foreign child labor employing Wal-Mart. Interesting.

I was talking to a friend who may have solved my socialism dilemma. He is a hardcore democratic socialist, but, not politically. Let's see if i can explain this without totally butchering it. He explained that there is a difference between a worldview and a political view. A worldview can be idealistic. A political view has to be realistic. Now that workings of a worldview start out small scale. To change the world you have to start from the bottom up, starting at the top to make a change will only trap people into a worldview that they don't agree with.

It's so simple, I always feel somewhat stupid for not realizing these things from the beginning. At least now I have it straight in my head. I think realizing that difference between a worldview and how you vote politically makes all the difference.

So, I can vote how I think the government should be run on the large scale without conflicting with my "ideals". Thinking about it, that is how the early church operated. They were a socialist community on a small scale and changed the world by staying on that scale, without conflicting the church and state. Until Constantine legalized them. Then the church became the government. That is what birthed so many of the shameful acts in the history of Christianity right there. The Crusades. Need I say more? and that's not even going into the recent junk.

Anyways... I'm at work now, so I'm going to go.

Emerson, Dostoevsky, and Socialism

2007-06-27T17:27:00.000-07:00

I had the stomach flu over the weekend, and I can't seem to get my stomach to want food yet. Actually, just the smell of food makes me gag. Oh sad day.

Bluegrass music tonight at the park.. should be good. Ultimate frisbee later (maybe). Promising night.

My flowers are growing. The herbs are doing wonderfully, I'm so excited. I decided to get a hammock. Maybe yard saling? Where are hammocks cheap?

I picked up a book of Emerson. I remembered in a high school Lit class reading him and Thoreau and being completely fascinated by transcendentalism and post-modernism. The theories, that is. Emerson seems to have quite a bit of faith in the goodness of humanity, which one must have if you are to pursue transcendentalism. What really amazes me is how thoroughly his "religion" or theory of life has shaped our culture today. It's really astounding. He didn't mean for it to become what it has, of course, but he believed in man's goodness. He was wrong.

I also started the Brothers Karamazov again. Evidently, Dostoevsky believed that Socialism is the ultimate form of Atheism. Interesting. He uses the reasoning that Socialism depends on the goodness of men, and Christianity depends on the depravity of men (that sounds awful, but there you have it). He draws a comparison to the Tower of Babel which the people of the Earth attempted to use to bring themselves up to heaven. Using Socialism, he says, man is attempting to bring heaven to Earth.

So, knowing that Socialism obviously would not work so well here, are we stuck with Capitalism? Oh what misery. And, isn't it ironic, that in trying to erase materialism from the culture Emerson only succeeded in increasing it? (Ok, it's not all his fault. Thoreau helped. I spent a few years angry at these two for it. I'm beginning to understand that they weren't out to create Paris Hiltons and mega-malls now, that was an accident.)

And was it because he depended on man's ultimate goodness? I think so. His theory of Transcendentalism decreed that every man look to what he saw to be his needs in life. Ex. Love, safety, food, shelter, etc. Man then is to declare that all humans deserve these essentials the same as he. All good so far. Problem is in selfishness. It sounds amazing in theory. But how many people do you know who would go so far as to strive for these things in others' lives as much as their own?

The theory is self-focused. Bad news right off. Isn't it sad though?

Emerson probably thought he knew how to solve the world's problems. I don't think DOstoevsky ever thought such, but he completely forsook God in his process of finding a solution to the problems because he saw Socialism as the answer, and it just does not fit with the Bible. Emerson didn't forsake God, but I think he diminished Him.

So I'm a democratic socialist haha.. just kidding. I really don't know what I am. I find that idealism and realism don't mix so easily, but I believe in striving for the ideal.

Oh, but how to do it?

star gazing

2007-06-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

"And a single heart burst into flight
And in the East the whole horizon is in flames,
I feel the thunder in the sky
I see the sky about to rain
And with the prairies I am calling out your name." -Rich Mullins

I've been on a Rich Mullins kick this last week. Downtown this weekend we watched a a guy playing a beautiful hammered dulcimer alongside a gal with a violin. A little bit down from him a few men had set up their telescopes for people to enjoy, so after dulcimer guy was done we enjoyed some star-gazing and star-talk. One telescope was focused on the moon, it was incredible to see all the detail, the craters and what looked like plateaus, etc, on a huge body so far away. One of the men had a homemade telescope carved out of rich wood.. he told us some people even make their own mirrors.

I think I'd heard this before, but had forgotten that the light from the stars takes so long to get here. We were looking at Jupiter, the light from which takes about 15 minutes to get here. A star close to Jupiter takes years to travel here. It's like looking into the past.

God has made such an intricate universe.

I started my flower garden, and I was looking at the different colors and shapes of the flowers just amazed at the creativity and beauty of it all. In a flower there are colors and shapes and smells all blended together to make bring something of beauty into the world. The wildflowers on the mountains that no one will ever see exist because God is a God of Beauty and has to show it.

If I only had a brain

2007-06-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

*Sitting outside my back door with my toes in the sand enjoying the perfect weather and the sunset*

I have found a new love. Ultimate frisbee. Or anything involving a frisbee. I found out I could catch and throw the thing (a small accomplishment for some with normal coordination abilities, but for me quite a thrill).

I also played softball on Sunday, a friend needed an extra girl on her team to qualify to play (I guess for co-ed teams there needs to be a certain number of guys and girls). I think maybe God is trying to teach me something. Facing fears? Getting out of comfort zones? FIrst bouldering. Then sports, and in front of people I'd never met. But, I actually didn't do too badly at either one. There may have been people on the team who were just as bad as me, which made it fun.

I bought the movie Freedom Writers a couple days ago. Itis a really good one, you should watch it if you get the chance. It's about a teacher in a bad part of L.A. who learns to love and help a bunch of gang-banging, hurting kids. Neither her father nor her husband can understand why she would be willing to give these kids her time. It grates against my nerves, to hear people say we shouldn't care for others, as if our time is better spent on ourselves and ambitious careers.

There is a new property manager at work who seems to have made it his goal in life to convert me to republicanism and the "ladder of success". Oh man, he knows just how to get me going too. Silence is wise and fools open their mouths too quickly so I don't try to argue, not much anyways... It's all in good fun, but just the same, he represents so much of the world, one that doesn't care, and one that I'm fighting against.

They say if you're not a democrat in college you have no heart but if you're not a republican at 30 you have no brain. Well I'm not so sure how much truth can be found in that, but we need both. The scare crow and the tin man did nothing before they worked together, just sat around collecting rust.

Knowledge needs a heart, and the heart needs wisdom, but I can't make someone value what I do.

The book I'm reading now, Daniel Deronda still, poses the question What is real progress? Progress can only be defined by what one values and in a world subscribing so thoroughly to relativity, where is the defining line? No where but the Word, which places all value on Love.

Flagstaff

2007-06-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I was up at 5:30 AM today (and the sun was already up! I feel like I've been missing half of all my days by sleeping til 8. And then I remember that I'm sleeping when I miss it, and as much as I enjoy days, I love sleep.) We went yard-saling. It was great, I'd never been before. Some of our associations at work (property management) were having their annual yard sales. Pretty much, whole neighborhoods have yard sales on the same day. Fantastic. One of my friends declined joining us, remarking that yard sales were paying money to take someone else's junk and make it your own. A very pessimistic view. I know, simplify right? But I got books. I think that's allowed. Especially books about St. Francis and C.S. Lewis. Ok, so I got a tea set (and may I add, an amazing green Japanese tea set at that), and a couple sweaters (it still gets cold here at night) and flower pots (I'm turning my back patio area into a garden) and a frisbee (everyone needs one, and I've already put it to use).

Hey, I like what I got, and I'm going to put it to use, so I feel alright about this. I'll get rid of some of my old stuff this weekend to compensate.

I then went to the senior living center to paint nails and met a wonderful spitfire of a lady named Mary. She had bright pink crocs on :) and teased everyone around. I asked if she had any kids and she said yes, and thank goodness they're not the clingy type. Haha! DOn't get me wrong, she said it half seriously and she loves em to death. I just thought I'd mention the fact, you know, to make some mothers *cough feel like there will come the day they too will say stuff like that. Light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. lol.

During the summer in Flagstaff there are all sorts of events downtown at night; salsa dancing, art walks, and movies at the square. Every friday night they show a movie at heritage square for families. It's always so fun to sit and watch a movie (last night was the Princess Bride) outside with fun flagstaff-ey families and little kids running around, the smell of popcorn and cotton candy, etc. I love it!

Then of course, the open mic nights at the tea house and the slams at the coffee bean. The mountains also looked incredible today. I think the nice weather makes everything seem so much better. I'm bummed though, my back is bothering me again and I can't hike as much as I'd like. We did pass the frisbee around some today, but even that bothered me. argh.

I should get some sleep now... it's been a long day-week. I love sundays.

lectio divina

2007-06-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

Slow down - motto of the week(s). Slow down and simplify. Be rid of excess, excess noise (in my car, at home), excess dependencies, excess busyness. Simplify and quit tryin to prove something to the world. They go hand in hand, all three. Why do I have excess whatever? Usually I'm trying to prove something. If not to other people, maybe to myself until I become something completely unlike me.

It's a process.

So, awesome thing. I went to a bible study with a friend that is starting this summer with two older women in the Vineyard church. It's way different from normal bible studies, it's a process called lectio divina (I think), which means divine reading. Basically, one person reads a verse or two out loud and then there is silence and you allow God to speak through what is read. THen you share (Shortly) if you like. There's a little more to it, but that's the gist o the thing. I really like it. She (leader) said it was a process used in monasteries years and years ago. It is necessary to be able to be still (physically and mentally) and meditate on the word.

WHat good timing eh?

The two ladies we met with talked about their process in letting go of their grown (growing) up children. It helped me to appreciate what it must be like, to have a child apart from you living a separate life. I'll try to visit phoenix more :).

I watched a poker game tonight and still have no idea how it works. hm.

Off to bed! very sleepy this week! today i was picturing myself melting into the carpet and staying there for about a week. i don't know why, i just felt so tired that i felt like doing that. that sounds funny out loud. nevermind.

Bouldering

2007-06-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

I did it! I went rock climbing, on boulders that is. I have this intense fear of heights, so for me, this is quite the accomplishment. It was intense. lol. And, my knees are all scraped up for the first time in about 5 years. Incredible. AS will be the movie night at WHite Dove tonight. And so I am off to make some cookies.

Simplicity

2007-05-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Celebration of DIscipline the other day while doing laundry, and one of the chapters in the book is on the discipline of simplicity.

I know that simplicity applies to material things, but the author also applies it to lifestyle and the busyness of our minds. So, I decided to try to simplify. I lost the ability to quiet my mind sometime ago, and this is my first goal.

Also, he applied simplicity to our dependencies. ANything that I depend on apart from God should be weeded out. That means this thing here in my lap, so I won't be on as much for a while. Little things first.

I watched a movie last night that was set in Boulder, Colorado and I decided that I need to live there for a month or two. But not this year. Just sometime. (And if I met some incredibly good looking, mountain biking, God-loving guy while I'm there, that'd be alright with me. ;))

Painting and reading

2007-05-27T23:14:00.001-07:00

I picked up Daniel Deronda (George Eliot) again today. I started it a few months ago but didn't get very far cause of school. You have to kinda endure the beginning, but once you're past that it's very good. It always amazes me, reading older books, that the authors make so many references to other works, as if it were common knowledge. They are so steeped in classical literature, music, historical persons, and even the opera that it appears in their writing constantly. I like the Barnes and Nobles books for the end notes explaining all the references I wouldn't have gotten myself.

We repainted the coffee shop, it looks soo much better now! It's an earthy green and brown, and a guy we know who paints murals did a tree for us for free. It looks fantastic, kinda Tim Burton-ish. I will post pics soon. We started around 9 on saturday night and finished the main painting around 4 am, then went back today to finish cleaning and touch-ups.

One of the regulars (I think I've mentioned him before, the one from NJ..) came by after we'd just started and he hung out with us for a while showing us how to paint correctly and eating some of our "easter" dinner with us (it was going to be a thanksgiving dinner, but the stores weren't caryying turkeys, so we had ham instead). It is so awesome to be able to feel like friends with the people we get to know there.

A guy I work with there has an idea to start a community garden in the back of the building for the kids in the neighborhood. That, would be incredible. Our shop is in the poor part of town, and there's not much there for the community. It would be great to get to know some kids around there.

I think we're going down to the creek tomorrow (no work!!). Hope it's not crowded. Good weekend.

By the way, and friend of mine is engaged to a guy from Delaware who was in an accident and is currently in a coma. Please by praying for both of them!

Seven things

2007-05-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I was tagged. (No, not with spray paint. That'd be interesting.) For a blog... I think it's 7 things I've learned? That's what I remember it being, so that's what I'm going to write. May take some thinking....

1. I need people. It's not healthy to be alone, God made us to be around people, to have community and fellowship. Not just to be around people though, to be known and to know them. That, is fellowship, and that can be scary. But more usually it's good. I'm trying to be known more than I have allowed myself to be before (that sounds kinda funny). You might say this blog is a part of that.

2. I have come to know more aspects of God's love and his heart for the hurting and oppressed. I've learned that it is not only the poor who are needy, and that the rich are often more so however they tend to be more closed off to love (at least that of God). Also, I'm learning that Love means justice as well as grace. While that may seem obvious and positive in a way, it's hard to understand sometimes. But, it would not be love if it were not so.

3. Life is easier if you're not out to prove anything. (That one seems fairly self-explanatory)

4. Collaging is a great way to see your life from a different perspective. Try it.

5. People who change the world aren't afraid to love, to care, or to do small things.

6. Everyone needs a listening ear more than an answer, and most likely they already have the latter and lack the first.

7. Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Work

2007-05-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

The people I work with can be stinkin hilarious. Today, following tradition, I went to lunch with some of them at their usual place. They sat around telling stories about their trips to Las Vegas. Oh man, it was funny!

They like to make jokes about granola-y folks (birkenstocks and whatnot) and liberals around me. All in good fun. I hold my own though. hehe...

We watched the Fountain last night (and had NJ pizza, again. We're all addicted now. It's delicious. Mozzarella, ricotta, red onion, garlic, spinach, tomatoes and grilled chicken. and all organic. mmmm). It was different? It was something... huh. I still don't know quite what I think about it.

I need to go and smell the wet forest now :)... going for a run. It's been a little sprinkly the last couple days, and it smells and feels marvelous. Then errands galore. Then movie and sleep. Mmmm sleepp....

Wedding

2007-05-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

my roommate is married! it was a nice wedding, somewhat on the warm side... here's a few pics....

Me and my other roommate, Julie, getting ready.

Bethany and the flower girl. so adorable!

oh we are sneaky!

Well there's a few. I'll have more in a week or two. time to get some groceries!

freee

2007-05-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

Done with finals!! woohoo!! I finished my religions final today, and I got an A on that term paper! I was so excited, you have no idea. I was hoping for a B.

Well Mr. Khomeini, perhaps you're not such a bad chap after all. At least you got me an A.

Life is good.

Books!

2007-05-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

I sat in a room with Fidel Castro, George Bush, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Condoleeza Rice, and even Danny Glover today and discussed socialism vs democracy. It's true.

My final in my third world women in cuba class was a debate, and the professor had us research our characters so that we could discuss Cuba and the U.S. as these politicians, writers, celbrities, etc. It was actually fun, people got into it. Fidel won hands down, btw. NAU students have a tendency towards socialism. How many people can say that their finals wqere fun?

ALmost done with finals, two down, one to go!!

I started the receptionist position at work, it's so much easier. AND I GET TO READ BOOKS! woohoo! And I answer the phone. I'm afriad I'm getting that phone voice. Oh well.

SO, about that book thing, I need to work on a list. Here's what I have to start with:
The First Circle (it's a russian book about the prison camps in Siberia. I've been wanting to read it for a few years, but it's one of those intense books and I haven't had time. Maybe I'll be able to continue my summer-russian book tradition.)
The Brothers Karamazov (need a refresher)
I want to find a biography on Jane Hull, and DOrothy Day. Maybe that new one on Jimmy Stewart too.
Walden Pond. Gotta read it once.
Olaudah Equianus. (started this one. he's the ex-slave in Amazing Grace, it's really good so far.)
The Kite Runner. (Afghanistan)
Daniel Deronda. (George Eliot)
Celebration of Discipline. (never finished it)

That's all I have so far. Any suggestions? I'll have to go look around. I might reread a few too... it's been so long.

Immigration and Iraq

2007-05-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

Laundry time! Yay clean clothes! and funky music that I'm listening to in here... hmm..

I'm almost done with classes, two of them have canceled what regular classes were left, so I only have... 3 left to go to. Until finals, that is. Then, hello office! Good news, I can bring books to read! I need a good reading list. I have a few...

I went to my policy & legis. class this morning, my professor told a story that made me so angry I couldn't pay attention for the rest of the class. Yup, I'm going to tell it to you. I've calmed down a little, so I think I can tell it now.

This story does not begin with "Once upon a time" because it is still happening.

A young soldier came home from the war (Iraq) recently, and my professor somehow knew him. He said his job in Iraq was to guard a street, make sure people came to a stop at the intersection, check their cars as they came by, etc. He had a machine gun, just in case. One day a car came through without coming to a stop. It was a man with four children, one an infant. His commander told him to shoot them down. He did. They're dead. The stop sign was in english. The young soldier now goes to counseling for nightmares.

Sad story number 2 (also told in my class this morning.)

What would you think of someone who kidnapped a people because of their nationality, locked them up in internment camps, threw them out in a different country, or who knows what else. They didn't take the children though. Guess the kids weren't considered dangerous enough. Know one really knew what happened to these people, those responsible for removing them wouldn't tell. The children are left without parents, or even a clue to where they might be. What would you think of people who would do that? Sounds like that movie, Apocalypto, or maybe Children of Men. Or barbarians hundreds of years ago.
But not now. Not America. Right?

My professor's wife teaches at an elementary school here. She said they've been having a few problems regarding the new illegal immigration policy. Here is the scenario:
The "illegal immigrants" move here so that they can get jobs, homes that aren't made out of cardboard, food, etc. They have kids. These kids are now citizens of the United States. They go to school. The government decides to get rid of illegal immigrants. They raid an area, take the illegal immigrants to who knows where (either an internment camp or somewhere in Mexico), while the kids are at school.

I'm going to a panel on our immigration policy tomorrow, several professors from NAU will be sharing. Dear God, what is happening? It scares me, to know that this is going on, and no one even knows. Or maybe they don't care. That might be even more sad.

DId you know that the illegal immigrants support our social security system? It would (will) collapse without them. They have to pay into it, but can't take out of it. Of course, that might not be a problem if our country didn't lead the world in military spending. Gotta keep those terrorists away, right? But if they're soooo worried about terrorists, they should probably start with American citizens cause we also lead the world in murder, addiction, (imperialism), etc.

And if they want to help people, maybe they should start at home. We have 40 million people wihtout health insurance, but we're spending 9 billion dollars a week in Iraq. Our minimum wage hadn't been raised in years, but our legislators found it more important to win an argument against the House than to get it raised.

Man, I guess I'm still a little upset. More people should be. But then, in a society where self is more important than others, why should anyone care? I hate capitalism. Ok I'm done. Doing my part to raise awareness, lol.

On a brighter note, here's some pics of me and rosanna at the dove....

Cleaning

2007-04-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm takin a break (from cleaning, that is). I'm hosting (hostessing?) Bethany's wedding shower tomorrow afternoon. I even cleaned the windows, and if you'd seen my windows you'd know that this has been quite a task. The de-cluttering took the longest though. Our stuff was starting to make me feel claustrophobic. That's the best I can do at describing it.

I haven't even gotten past the kitchen and living room yet. Oy.

The weather today was lovely.

Nickel Creek was amazing, by the way... It was their first time in Flagstaff. The Orpheum was packed, of course, and we had fun watching a totally high guy dance like mad (for about 5 minutes, and then he was annoying. Nickel Creek is not a moshing-crazy dancing type of band.)

I've been asked to share about the Irresistible Revolution at my church on Sunday. Marc (the "pastor" teacher-leader) and Lainee (apostle-leader) just read it and liked it a lot.

My church doesn't have a formal pastor position. It's led by five people, or will be soon, an apostle, a teacher, an evangelist, a pastor, and one more that I can't remember. No paid staff. No building. We meet in a rec center in the middle of a government housing neighborhood. That way, we can use our money to help people. I like it a lot. So, the book is something I think our church should read. We are embarking upon something new, and we don't quite know how to do it, but that's good. With no pre-conceived ideas God is free to do what He wants.

So, the book is about living for others, mostly the poor and oppressed. It's about living simply, the importance of community, leaving behind a self-seeking life and living a truly humble one. One devoted to other people.

I got the book for christmas, and I read the whole thing that day. Yes, it was that good. Kinda similar to Blue Like Jazz, but he delves deeper.

Ok, I really should get back to cleaning. My window is open and the kids across the street are playing ring around the rosie :).

9 to 5

2007-04-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

WHAT was I THINKING?

Oh dear. 9-5. every day.

I took a different position at work, I'm the receptionist in like, 2 weeks. from 9 to 5. at a desk. INSIDE.

Too much commitment. I'm going to go CRAZY!

Ok, bright side.... there's a window. And.. I can look out of it. At the pretty weather. While I'm inside. SItting at a desk. From 9 to 5. Every day.

They say this is what life is like. This is what it takes to.. have money? Wait... Is that it? I suppose the money means school again next spring.. And school means helping people. Right?

So. How do I avoid this 9 to 5 thing being "the grind"?

I could start by NOT thinking about the trips and little kid summer camps and camping I COULD be doing. I will NOT think about all of those things. I will not.

Ummm.... and.... I'll get to talk to people more. I'll be up front where everyone likes to congregate. I'll get ot meet people who come in. Granted, some of them may be a little angry... it'll be good practice for when I'm in Social Work.... Then I'll have lots of angry people. Only then, they'll be angry at me. Or the government. But I'll probably be mad at the government too, so we'll be angry together. (Just kidding... I won't let them know I'm angry too. That probably wouldn't help.)

SO.. talking to people is good. And... school is good... and... nights off are good... ummm and... maybe it'll look good on a resume? ummm... that's it. Oh, no wait, I'll learn patience too. and long-suffering. (Or are those the same thing? well, long suffering is more descriptive. Maybe I shouldn't use that one though. It has a negative connotation. Let's start out positive! Ok, now I feel like a cheerleader. hmm.) If a monk can rejoice while doing dishes his whole life long, I can rejoice with a desk and a window, right? Right.

And, maybe, they'll let me read books. That, would be fantastic. I have such a long list of books-to-read. Ok, I feel better now. windows, people, and books...

fast from criticism, and feast on praise;
fast from self-pity and feast on joy;
fast from ill-temper and feast on peace;
fast from resentment and feast on contentment;
fast from jealousy and feast on love;
fast from pride and feast on humility;
fast from selfishness and feast on service;
fast from fear, and feast on faith.
-Arthur Lichlenburger

I think I've already posted this, but, like I said, I need sticky notes for my brain. Fast from selfishness and feast on service. So I need to pray about how I can be serving these people, in this place God has led me. oh yes, it was Him. Has His name all over it. (He has a sense of humor.) and He is love, whatever He does is love, yea? So what is His love in this? Aha. I don't know, do I? And everything I was complaining about had to do with me, didn't it? yea...

If the people around me can say, at the end of all this, that they see Him, what greater Joy is there? And they need Him, they really do.

It's not only the needy who are poor. There is more suffering in loneliness than in poverty. That's why the little children in Africa-- suffering from AIDS and hunger-- could dance and sing and smile, but the businessman with millions suffers from depression.

4 Things

2007-04-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

Four things:

1. In my religion class today a femenist was perplexed when 2 older men with grown children said (in a positive way) that having children is giving up your freedom.

2. Also in that class, my jewish friend found out that the zionists in Israel and evangelical christians (the dispensationalist ones) are unwittingly working together (he's not a zionist, but he was rather surprised.. actually so was I.) to restore the Temple and the nation of Israel. go figure.

3. "The sun will rise and set whether I pass in geometry or not."- Anne of Green Gables. I'm not sure if this is encouraging.

4. Someone gave the Dove free tickets to Nickel Creek. We are happy baristas!

Survey

2007-04-17T11:14:00.001-07:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? I woke up at 6:15-ish and was wide awake (odd) but didn't get up til my alarm at 6:45 (cold!)

2. Diamonds or pearls? depends. but i don't need either.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Reign Over Me

4. What is your favorite TV show? meh.. Anything on the food channel (almost), MASH, charlie rose, 24... gilmore girls...

5. What did you have for breakfast? an apple and an americano :)

6. What is your favorite cuisine? I like italian, thai, chinese, etc. or anything homemade!

7. What foods do you dislike? ranch. and wierd textures.. sometimes i can't stand bananas..

8. Favorite chips? Nana's tortilla chips warmed, or those salt and pepper potato chips

9. What is in your MP3? whatever Lainee left on it when she gave it to me, i haven't figured it out yet lol

10. What kind of car do you drive? black honda civic

11. What is your favorite sandwich? anything from pita pit, or Arby's roast beef mmm

12. What characteristics do you despise? inconsistency sometimes (haha that's ironic). conceit. carelessness, sometimes.

13. What are your favorite clothes? comfortable. I love skirts and flip flops.

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? europe with emily. someday.. or Switzerland. I don't care. I like traveling.

15. Favorite brand of clothing? whatever's at Saver's.. i like gap jeans though.

16. Where would you want to retire? somewhere with mountains and pine trees and sunlight. sooo here?

17. Favorite time of day? it depends. when my classes and work are over, or early morning when it's quiet with a cup o coffee.

18. Where were you born? sherman tx

19. What is your favorite sport to watch? football (yea eagles!)

20. Who do you think will not send this back? ???

21. Person you expect to send it back first? ??

22. Pepsi or Coke? dr. pepper

23. Beavers or ducks? there is a duck that visits my parent's pool.

24. Are you a morning person or a night owl? mornings I love, but I hate getting up.

25. Pedicure or manicure? never had either, but if you're paying then sure.

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Jesus loves you

27. What did you want to be when you were little? interior designer or teacher. typical.

28. What is your best childhood memory? playin outside with my sisters; the choosing of the christmas tree then eating at friendly's, decorating it the next day and eating fritos with christmas punch; planting the garden in the spring; colorado camping trips

29. Piercings? just nose

30. Ever been to Africa ? not yet

31. Ever been toilet papering? yes sir.

32. Ever been in a car accident? no

33. Favorite day of the week? fridays - when you have the whole weekend to look forward to, and sundays when they're actually sundays.

34. Favorite restaurant? I don't have a favorite but oregano's is fun, nj pizza is delicious (and organic), the Place is open all night and cheap, and dara thai is quite good

35. Favorite Flower? lilacs, pansies, stargazer lilies, and gerbera daisies

36. Favorite ice cream? hagen daas espresso or Baskin Robbins chai ice cream

37. Favorite fast food restaurant? arby's sometimes

38. How many times did you fail your driver's test? didn't take it (yea driver's ed!)

39. From whom did you get your last e-mail? hmm compassion international

40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? ohh i don't know.. gap or a book store, or Pier 1- oh wait no, World Market. actually, none of those, I hate using a credit card

41. Bedtime? usually around 11

42. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? ??

43. Last person you went to dinner with? kris and zaccheus

44. What are you listening to right now? people

45. What is your favorite color? blue?

46. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? I don't email. usually.

47. What time did you finish this e-mail? 11:40 am

48. Favorite magazine? I don't know, Relevant I guess?

From preschool to Adam Sandler

2007-04-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a random, funny story I remembered the other day...

When I was working at the preschool I had a kid named Ryan in my class. We were coloring-- umm they were coloring-- one afternoon, Ryan comes up to me holding a white crayon and tells me:
"Miss Hannah, this one doesn't work!" hehehee

Arnold Schwarzenegar (I totally butchered that one) was on Charlie Rose today. It is amazing how much one can say without saying anything at all. 45 minutes of catch words and mentions of hot topics but with no depth. Oy with the politicians already! Kurt Vonnegut died this week I guess. CHarlie gave a little tribute and played old footage of interviews with him. Kurt said that computers are taking over our ability to become in our homes. He said that our homes are for 3 main purposes, and becoming is one of them. Isn't that interesting? To become, to change, to develop. hmm...

Aren't you glad that is all I am going to mention about politics today?

It snowed yesterday. Full on snowstorm. It's pretty... or was. All traces of snow were wiped away by 9 this morning. It's still cold though!

We saw that new movie Reign Over Me last night. It was surprisingly good. It's about a man who lost his whole family in 9-11, but I was glad that thye didn't go into that very much, the focus was on his way of dealing with grief rather than the cause of it. With all the negative perceptions the media gives Americans of the middle east, I was nervous that this movie would only be more propaganda in that strain. There were a couple comments, but other than that they seemed to steer clear of the issue.

The main character (here is a tangent. He was played by Adam Sandler, who, as we all know, usually plays characters who are... less than believable. So for him, this role was quite different, and I don't think he always pulled off the believability thing.. but it was still good.) is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

It would be interesting to see whether his character's illness was close to what a real ptsd would look like. It was so interesting to see his way of dealing with intense pain and grief. Everyone deals with it differently. SOmetimes I make the mistake of thinking that if someone deals with something in a way I don't understand that I don't think they're dealing with it at all.

It was very interesting and there were lots of points in it that I would like to study... maybe I'd like being a counselor. I don't know.. anyways...

In my religions class we are reading a book on Muslim fundamentalism, and the author makes several good points about American (or any capitalist society really) culture. I had never thought about being captive to capitalism. Intersting, huh? My professor, in class yesterday, also talked about being a captive to language. Everything we know is related to the words we speak. The reason mysticism is discredited by culture is that it i beyond language. It actually reaches a realm in which language is irrelevant. We have also developed our language to categorize everything we know. In one way this helps us to understand many complextites and details we really couldn't wihtout language, but I think it also produces limitations. Limitations to those categories and limitations to the things outside of those categories.

Perceptions and a sense of self are both formed by language, and all of our experiences are categorized and interpreted by our language. How facinating, yes? So apparently this affects even the ways we respond to situations and experiences. Someone who speaks a different language will have a slightly different interpretation of their experiences. Of course there are many, many factors that apply to all that too...

He also made a statement about perfection being a form of emulation. When we perfect something we are emulating something we've seen in the past? especially in religion. hmmm... But, if we are all different, made with different gifts and all that, wouldn't prefection be different for all of us? My head is spinning haha. I like to see what affects people. Theories and all that. It's interesting stuff... I think that's enough for today. Blessings

Barbarian Way

2007-04-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm at White Dove. Just met someone from the same neck o the woods as I. He even has family in the *ahem* legitmate *ahem* family business that some families enjoy in Jersey. "we's gonna make 'im an offa he can't refuse see?" hehehe....

Coffee shops are like bars in the respect that people often become like family in them, and come to share their stories- the hard and the good. They just don't get drunk. Sometimes they come in drunk, but they don't become drunk here. I love to listen to people (some may call it eavesdropping, but I think it's more of a love of people and learning about them..... lol). Right now I'm listening to a total optimist have a conversation with a hopeless pessimist and a a couple of friends talking about their hunting techniques.

I learn so much about people here. Personalities and lifestyles can be so different, but somehow people are still able to understand one another. Isn't that incredible? On some level, everyone can relate. I believe that. What's really special, I think, is that it is the deeper levels on which we are able to relate, and it seems to me to be the shallow levels on which we can't understand. Mostly. Blanket statements are hard to make.

My roommate and I had a neat convo the other day about personality differences. We are very different from each other. I have always been more on the reserved side when it comes to my emotions, and I'm not touchy-feely really. She is the opposite. She is more like my sister in that way, and it's funny because her sister is very much like me.

Actually, most of my sisters are more like her than they are like me. It kind of makes it hard for me to relate, especially since I'm in a different city too.

On a different note, I was thinking the other day about this blog, and I don't think I realized how much more I show of myself on here, which makes me kinda nervous lol... It's good though, cause I am more reserved. It's good to have a place I'm not reserved. Sometimes not enough maybe? hmm.

Around people conversation stays so shallow. I've noticed that too lately. That's not always a bad thing, maybe. It's necessary to rest your mind. It's like watching tv after a long day of classes. It's nice. Yes, I just said that watching tv is nice. Sometimes. But, I don't watch it very often, and I still think it's really bad for kids. They don't need to rest their minds, hopefully.

I would like to do something. Something like quitting school for a while. Til I'm 21 and can get a grant again. But I'm not going to. You know why? Cause I want to work. So wierd, I know. School's alright. I love to learn from my brilliant professors, I do. Maybe I have a problem with commitment haha! Just kidding. I have a problem with commitment to classes for 3 months. I like freedom. I'm an American college age kid. I would like to take off a leave when I feel the urge. I would like to travel to different countries and to see what I haven't seen to learn things I can't learn here. Oh my, how irresponsible that would be! (said in my very best pompous english accent, and for a visual picture an old lady sipping tea and frowning upon me over her eye glasses in a very imperious manner). I hear that pk's go through a time of irresponsibility before settling down and joining the drudgery of the grind. But, you see, I am not planning on ever joining any drudgery. Ever.

So, now that I've worried my mother to a frazzle, it's time to go. haha.... I'm going to go live my life the way God tells me to. I can only imagine what that might mean.

the way of the barbarians... (such a good book by the way! the Barbarian Way by Erwin McManus. Go read it.)

Intellectual day

2007-04-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

I had a very intellectual day today. Ok, well, it felt like one anyhow.

I actually got up on time and had coffee with Julie (roommate) and had a good chat, then went to work.

My boss didn't show up today (I think he was feeling sick) so I didn't have much to do... hm. That's not an intellectual part. I probably could've left that out. But I didn't.

I ran a bunch of errands (and felt oh so productive) then had an appointment with my religions prof to talk about my term paper. For some reason (self torture most likely. maybe my inner being feels the need to do penance for some unknown wrong I committed at the age of 2), I chose to write a term paper on the Ayatollah Khomeini instead of writing 2 simple 5 page papers on the books we're reading. It's just another of those many things I do that I cannot explain. Anyways....

He is a great professor, everyone I've met who's had him loves the classes. He is a christian so we got to talk a little bit about that, and about the demoralization and strength-sapping trends in our country. I left feeling all sorts of thoughtful and reflective. It lasted about 10 minutes. (After which amount of time I had gotten into my car and begun driving. Driving in Flagstaff is demoralizing (yes, I just used that word twice. and, yes, I am using a parenthesis inside of a parenthesis. My hero is the author of the Princess Bride. I believe I've said that before. shoot... back to driving) and if you've ever driven here you must already know this. If you have driven here and you don't know what I'm talking about, you are most likely part of the problem. I have a couple of suggestions for you:
1. At least drive the speed limit. Please.
2. When turning left, get into the turn lane before slowing to a nearly complete stop. Please.
3. If you are a semi truck driver, there is no help for you. You are doomed to be part of the problem. I am sorry.
4. Should you feel the need to drive faster than other cars in a lane that is ending, do not expect those cars to slow down even more than they have been in order to let you over. This causes much frustration for those of us trying to get somewhere.
5. When the light turns green, that means GO.
I hope these have been beneficial. I know I feel better.)

Tonight we went downtown for the art walk. They have one on the first Friday of every month. They'r emore fun in the summer cause the people come out in droves, and the live music drifts out into the street and mixes (I almost said mingles, but I thought it sounded too cliche. If you would like to insert mingles into the sentence though, I must say it sounds rather nice) with people talking and laughing. A friend of mine commented that all of the true Flagstaff-ian people show up for the art walk. The artsy, organic, and of course intellectual people. It is so fun.

If you've never been to an art walk (I don't even know if they have those in other cities), basically some of the stores and a few studios/apartments downtown host artists' works and there is free food. There is free wine too, if you're interested. It adds to the intellectual air, lol.. (well, figuratively speaking. actually, I don't like the smell of alcohol, so don't take it literally, mom.) I think that all of the artists are locals. There's pottery, photography, painting, sculptures, music (actually, most of the live musicians I recognized from the open mic nights at the tea house). One of the venues was a fundraiser to help end genocide. Another place hosted only women artists, and all of the proceeds were being donated to the local women's shelter.

I'm off to Phoenix in the morning, so good night all, and good Easter! (random thought, does anyone know why it's called Easter? I've never thought about that before... hmm..)

Heaven

2007-04-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

There is a fundraiser for genocide victims at the Art Walk on Friday... if you're in the area.

I saw a friend last night who knew Chris, my friend who died, who was able to tell me a few things... He died on a trip with his church, sharing with the Havasupai tribe in the canyon. The people in the tribe have seen more than one death, being in the canyon, and they were amazed at the way the church handled Chris's death. Fifteen people from the tribe decided to become God's children, and one lady even came to Chris's funeral and spoke a little. Praise Him.

She did also tell me that she doesn't think the reality and all has really hit everyone yet, so be in prayer for them.

I was talking to a friend the other day about heaven and eternity, and how heaven isn't a very clear idea for us. Sometimes I think we (I know I do) make the mistake of thinking we'll get used to it after a while, and it is usually portayed a somewhat boring and stiff in media and whatnot. What I think is amazing though, is that God is so wonderful, He is joy itself, and he is limitless. There really is no limit to His love and joy. Every moment we spend with Him is new, and greater.

The only way I can think of to describe it is like the end of the Chronicles of Narnia series. The children are in "heaven" (and really, I love that idea of heaven. running and playing with the King in the beauty He created!) and the further in that they go, the better and more real it becomes. Our senses here are dulled and limited. In heaven we won't have those limits, and we will only be able to sense everyting more clearly as time passes.

That is my limited idea of heaven.

Jerome

2007-04-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

I just got back from hiking and I'm all covered up in dust. Am I going to shower? nah. too lazy.. it's Flagstaff..

My roommate and I went to Jerome yesterday after a nice breakfast. I like saturday breakfasts.. They're a good start to the day. We met some interesting people, and, more importantly, found the good coffee place. I had usually gone to a place that was kinda fun to visit at, but the coffee was less than desirable. LAst time I was there we sat and discussed the many reasons Starbucks is no bueno with the owner and a big harley riding guy. It was fun. This place is better though, much better, and cheaper, and cuter, and the owners are friendly too.

We got a disposable camera since I still haven't found the cord to my digital.... so I'll put pictures up soon.

We drove back through Sedona and Oak Creek, and remembered why we love Arizona. (I think it mostly has to do with the blue skies and the big mountains).

You know, there's a lesson to learn in every situation, and we always learn one. SOmetimes, maybe even most times, the wrong lesson is learned. If the wrong lesson is learned, the right one is still there waiting, but it takes many more steps and more time. We watched Anna and the King the other night, and she is talking about her husband's death. The King tells her that life is suffring, but that there is always a way to grow through the suffering. Anna tells him that maybe she would have preferred a different lesson to learn, and he replies that Yes, but then you would not be where you are now, changing the world.

Well, time to go.. dinner at Lainee's... steak burritos :D oh yea

Friday

2007-03-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the week! (sort of) It's been a long week. One of those where I would have preferred just to stay in bed all day. Only not really, cause I'd go crazy. It's been cold.. and drizzly.. grey... Ok, well maybe it's sunny today, but it's still cold. And, I gotta admit, last night when the snow was coming down in flakes an inch big it was pretty gorgeous.

It's always hard to go back to classes after a break, and everyone in my classes (who actually showed up) was zoned out and tired. Like me. WHich made me more zoned out and tired. And motivation? ha. yeah right.

I found out that one of my friends died over spring break. He was on a mission trip to the Havasupai Indians down in the canyon and drowned at Navajo Falls. It's almost incomprehensible to think that he's gone. I went to his myspace page yesterday. It's just how he left it. Except the comments. SO many. People trying to process. It's such a hard thing. Many of my friends were down there on that mission trip.. I can't imagine. Brings back a few memories.

We're not invincible. That's what my mom told me. I guess it's true. Makes me think. Life really could end at any time. I don't want to waste my time.

Well, I'm about out of battery power and I'm at the Dove (I'm going to work here again! just on saturdays... I start in a couple weeks.) Blessings on you!

Lent

2007-03-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a quote I found the other day. I like it a lot..

fast from criticism, and feast on praise;
fast from self-pity and feast on joy;
fast from ill-temper and feast on peace;
fast from resentment and feast on contentment;
fast from jealousy and feast on love;
fast from pride and feast on humility;
fast from selfishness and feast on service;
fast from fear, and feast on faith.
-Arthur Lichlenburger

Vendettas and Hippies

2007-03-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

I was watching V for Vendetta tonight (good movie, not so dumbed down like most movies made now. Have you noticed that? I notice it when especially watching kid's shows, media is getting more dumb like they're trying to numb our brains. Seriously guys, maybe it's a conspiracy. Soon we'll all be like zombies walking around. Or maybe I think everything's part of a conspiracy to brainwash us cause I just watched that movie. I also think that movie, or the idea behind it, is the biggest thing keeping me from being a liberal. I'm not sure what I am. I'm a nothing. I'm a theocracist. I don't know if that's a word. I bet you forgot what this sentence was about.) and the main character, V, made a statement that caught my attention.

He said something about motives, or intentions. That what we hope to do is not what people see, not what we are remembered for. You cannot see hope, it is not a physical thing, unless put into action. Like faith, people cannot see my hope (unless they read my blog, I think) unless I am doing something to show it to them. I can have the best intentions, but if that is what they remain, what good is it? Not any.

It would be better to be stone cold than lukewarm. Be hot, or be cold, but don't linger on between the two. I am in the state of lingering. I don't know quite how to get out of it. That's the thing, though, with God. He calls us to little things, mostly. And little things, well, they're little. Hard to see through human eyes. Maybe I'm placing too much emphasis on big things. Maybe I'm missing out on the little things, which are the most important and so it si sad that they've become the least important.

My prayer should be for sight for the little things. New eyes. Little things and little people in each day.

My spirit has a yearning. I know the Lord is powerful and beyond comprehension. I know it takes more than a day to know Him. I know that what He sees and has for me goes beyond human ambition, whatever that may be for, education, money, someone to share my life with. I know that His ways are better than mine, that He sees my heart growth and all I see is growth in terms of my own ambition. I know all this. Sometimes.

And sometimes I wish our brains had sticky notes so I could write myself reminders.

I am going to work on that Lightening up thing, by the way.. at least include my fun stories more to balance out what my usual blog has become. It helps a lot to have this when I don't have people around me that I can unload onto, lol. Believe it or not *ahem* not everyone enjoys deep conversation topics. So, here I am, unloading on you, poor soul. Ah well.. self inflicted is it not?

I do have a story though, I don't think I wrote about this one, sorry if I did.

This is one of my roommates, the one getting married soon...

I went to Prescott with one of my roommates a couple weeks ago to have a sunday. We got coffee and sat at the courthouse and watched all the lovely people. There were couple walking their dogs... A couple of people wearing matching clothes and doing what looked like a mix between tai chi and circus performing. I think we decided they were in some sort of martial arts. It was fun to watch though.. Some people were carrying roses, and there were some lying on the benches. A group of about 10 hippies were at the corner of the park. When girl/woman came to the park one of them would give her a rose and tell her she was beautiful.

Isn't that a beautiful thing? So we got roses.. It made my day! It was so nice.. they were amazing. I wish I could've gotten to know them, but they left. I'll put up pictures sometime.. I lost my cord to my camera :(.. I'll find it.

See? I can lighten up.....

(This is the guy doing the tai chi or whatever... I was very sly and took a picture.)

The Vision

2007-03-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

This is a poem by Pete Greig that I first heard at my Perspectives class. It's our prayer, and hope, to be part of this movement. It is starting, there's no denying. It's been growing since the beginning of the church. Sometimes she, the church, is off track. She's still the church though, and in truth, aren't we all a little off? This is the heart of the church, I hope. This is what I, and many others, see stirring in our society, in these times.

The Vision - By Pete Greig

So this guy comes up to me and says:
“what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?”
I open my mouth and words come out like this:
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

Feast

2007-03-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

My mom (crickl's nest) has been doing that Friday Feast Blog thing.. I'm not joining the group, but here's my "feast"....

Appetizer:
Who is your favorite news anchor/reporter? Why?
Well, I like Charlie Rose a lot, he's not an official news reporter, but I think he counts.. I also like to read the news online at cnn and bbc so I can choose what to read..

Soup:
Name 3 foods that are currently in your freezer.
Wwe have a little freezer, but it has
- mahi mahi fish fillets (we love fish)
- girl scout thin mints cause those are the best when they're frozen. I don't know who came up with that, but it was an amazing thought.
- lots of juice, they were on sale at Albertson's ;)

Salad:
If you were to have the opportunity to name a new town or city, what would you call it?
SimplyCity lol, get it?? ha... ha...

Main Course:
What will most likely be the next book you read?
I have to read a book on Islamic fundamentalists for my Recent Trends in Religion class. The next book I'd like to read by choice would be The First Circle by someone whose name I can never remember.. Russian guy... supposed to be really good though. That'll probably be a summer read. It's about a man who was sent to the prison camps in Siberia. There were 3 "circles" or hierarchies in the camp, and it is about him trying to get into the first circle, if I remember correctly. The whole book takes place in 3 days, and it's about as thick as War and Peace. Kind of like that show 24..

Dessert:
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite gender?
Whether they look/are friendly or not probably. You know, someone I could easily talk to. I don't really know. Most people say the eyes, but I've never really payed attention I guess.. I don't think it really is any different between girls and guys though. I probably notice the same things first about both. I think. Who knows?

Pride

2007-03-22T23:41:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you want to start over? Let's erase the slate, start a new day, you know the lingo.

I like to sound smart. I like to know what I'm talking about (or at least soundlike I do). Just when I think I'm starting to get things figured out, God decides, meh you need to chill out. And then He wipes the slate clean for me, in a manner of speaking.

I like it this way too though. I mean, I'd like to think I'm smart and can figure things out but really, everything I think I know is only a shadow of what really is. Like life on earth is a shadow of eternity, my thoughts are a breath in comparison to real Truth.

Maybe this is confession week. My last blog was something of a confession as well. It's good to be humbled. Actually, I think that real humility is not so much a 'thinking less of oneself' sort of thing but more of a 'thinking more of others' sort of thing. If I am thinking less of myself, I'm really not. Just sounds like I am. I'm still thinking of myself, it's what I do most of, and it is a form of pride. If I were truly being humble, I wouldn't be talking about me at all.

In that book by Rick Joyner (it's at home, I'll have to give you the name of the book later... something about a Quest...) his vision stresses the hurtful effects of pride. It's incredible (and not in a good way) how affected I am by pride. The only way to avoid it, in my opinion, is to think about other people more than I think about myself. That, would be a miracle. There's not other way it could happen, only by divine intervention. In essence, then, Love is the cure for pride.

It's all about love. Now I have a song from RENT running through my head. Tangent.... Here are some verses I borrowed from another blog....

don't make a show of your religion in order to attract attention to yourself. -matt 6:1

whenever you do someone a favour, don't tell the world about it. - matt 6:2

always treat other people as you would like them to treat you. - matt 7:12

do not treat children with contempt. - matt 18:10

treat older people with respect. - luke 18:20

just love your neighbour as yourself. - luke 10:27

how sad it is for you who neglect to do justice. - luke 11:42

stop judging people by mere appearances. - john 7:24

whoever want to be a leader should be a servant of all. - matt 20:26

All of these are about love and true humility. A true reflection of Christ. Oh that the reflection would not be mirrored by words alone!

I wish!

2007-03-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

I wish....

I wish Flagstaff smelled like orange blossoms like Phoenix does right now.
I wish I had a degree.

I take the last wish back, and wish I could see the person who invented college degrees. We'd have some words. Also the guy (oh yea, must've been a guy) who made it mandatory to take a bunch of classes that have nothing to do with my major.
I wish for a house to start a community in sunnyside.
I wish I could wish for world peace.
I wish politicians were honest.
Oh, and I wish I could fly.

Here is my wish list. Remember that story about the man in Africa who didn't want anything because he had everything he needed? Well, he had obviously never been to America. Americans have a LOT more needs than people in other countries. Trust me. I need a flushing toilet, hot shower, microwave, cell phone, and car for starters. Oh yes, that's just the beginning of my list of needs. There is more to life than food and family! That's why I need so much. You forgot about me, you see. Life is about me, and I'm sorry there's people out on the streets cold and hungry, but that just isn't as important as my coffee.

You may think I'm just trying to make a point, but if we live the way we believe, then isn't all of that true?

God loves to bless us, but it's not about us. God gives me blessings, but they're not for me. My blessings are for everyone around me.

I need pita pit, but people in Africa, oh they only need a bag of rice. I need a nice warm bed, but that homeless man needs a shelter. (Not putting down shelters, by the way.) I.... need Jesus. And I have found the common need. That's the starting point.

all that jazz

2007-03-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book by Rick Joyner about a vision he had. It's very interesting. It's a good reminder to me that life is not what I can see.

At what point does individualism become harmful? Is there one? WHy do I think it's a good thing? Culture? It really affects my worldview. (And I'm not entirely sure what it is, I only know it's been affected by our individualistic culture.)

Someone asked me what my worldview is. I didn't know how to answer, and I think it might be a good thing to know, being that it affects every part of my life.

I decided I like Obama, and he scares me. I like him because I really like everything he says (despite some apparent fishing for votes). He scares me because everyone I've talked to about him also really likes him. People aren't supposed to like politicians. This all worries me. If you haven't read his Selma, Alabama speech, you should. It's good.

Are the crunchy cons conservative economically/liberal socially or is it the other way around? I've been reading a "crunchy cons" blog, and I think I like it. I just haven't followed it enough to figure it out.

Did you know that hiking is addicting? It is. I'm sunburned.

Two more days til I go home. Starting to count the hours now. Not really, just feels like it. I just want to rest! There is no peace of mind like home. That's my new saying. Like it?

Almost time for church. I long for this fellowship time. More with God than with the people, although I love the people too. Well... I'm going to drink my chai and visit now.

tired/loan

2007-03-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

I have decided something. I am not going to school unless I can pay for it without a loan. That's my decision.

I am sooooooooooooo tired. All of me is tired. I'm ready fr spring break. Just want to go home and veg. sleep the day away under the sun. oh yea, that sounds nice. tiredtiredtired... tired... tired... the end.

such is life

2007-03-01T09:40:00.001-08:00

I realized something. I'm going into Social Work. This whole struggle with the government and money thing, will only get worse. So, I should try to keep frustration and bitterness to a minimum, else be overwhelmed later.

Did you know that illegal immigrants are helping our Social Security? They have to pay it, but they can't take it. Sad eh?

In 2005 they estimated around 430,000 people would spend the night on the streets. In 2005. I'm going to make a bet that that number isn't going down. In fact, I'd venture to say it's going up. It was something like a third of those people had disabilities. hmmmm...

Charlie Rose had a senator and a representative on his show the other day. They were "discussing" minimum wage. Here's the picture: The Senate is holding the minimum wage bill hostage until the House passes a tax cut by the Senate for small business owners. This time I'm not even paraphrasing, they said hostage, not me. Here's my words: People! Quit playin games with our money!!!
I feel much better.

So all this being said, how bad can my life be? Not very. I'm not homeless, disabled, hungry, unloved, jobless... Actually, I have an amazing life. And if all those things were true of me, I have Jesus, so it still wouldn't be bad. Just uncomfortable. So taking out a loan for school won't kill me right??....

It grates against my spirit to do it though. I don't think God wants us to be in debt. So does He want me to do this? And how do I know?

Behind a veil

2007-02-27T21:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight at class we experienced a little muslim culture. The men and women had separate entries. Upon walking in the door I was told to cover my head with a scarf. I walked into the room which had been divided by a lace veil. The area for the women was rather small and on the floor several women were sitting on pillows, dressed in veils and some in full Arab dress.

I knew this night was coming, but I hadn't expected it to bother me. It's just experiencing another culture, right? But it did affect me. In fact, it bothered me a lot. The speaker addressed the men without a glance at our side of the room. We sat in silence as the men participated in the lesson. After about an hour, the veil was taken off and we proceeded as normal.

I wrote down a few words describing how it felt, disconnected, useless, unwanted, superfluous. The head covering is there (for modesty too) in our Bible as a visible sign of submission. As I watched the men from behind the veil, I thought about what it means for a wife to submit to her husband. I decided I didn't really know what that meant. For his decisions to overrule mine, for my input to be a side note? Is that what it's like sometimes? I'm so used to my input being respected and listened to...

How do women in that culture maintain a feeling of significance? My words imply that I believe in the headship of men, but I'm not sure they are heartfelt. This is an extreme example perhaps, and I know that there are many issues inside this issue, but I'm only addressing the one tonight (sigh of relief). How do I learn what it is to be under submission while maintaining my opinions, thoughts, beliefs? God didn't give me a mind to waste, but where does it come into play?

I am an American, and I have a lot of frames that I've fit life into. One of my professors said that people don't reject those lifelong frames unless there's some sort of crisis. I like being around diversity. It doesn't confuse, like it may sound when I'm on here, but it does make me think. I think that's a good thing. I think it's a bad thing to always be around the same type of people who hold the exact same beliefs as yourself. Trees fall down when there's no wind...

So tonight, I stepped outside one of my frames and took a look. Now God, teach me from that new perspective.

Jim Wallis

2007-02-20T22:47:00.000-08:00

I know, two posts in 1 day... Make her stop!!! I'm not making you watch this though. It's kinda interesting.. ever heard of Jim Wallis, author of 'God's Politics' ? The other guy I've never heard of, but the name calling is a bit ridiculous yea? And, I've never heard evangelical democrats arguing. And I've been studying it. hmmm... I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't like name calling and lying, but I could be wrong.... Of course, I did notice that Jim Wallis was kinda putting down right wingers as well, so it's on both sides. AND the sanctity of human life is ver important however it does not stop after birth. Children out of the womb ARE just as important as those still in the womb. Not very consistent are we? well, let me know what you think. there were a bunch more videos of him on YouTube. And God is not on any particular side of politics. What is important is that we try to do what He said to do. AND if God is not on the right OR the left, why is it so wrong for Jim Wallis to say he's in the middle?? SOrry, I just don't like the other guy much. He doesn't make any sense to me. If you're going to care about sanctity for human life, be consistent! and read your bible... my goodness... I need to go to bed.... I do really like what Wallis had to say. We'll see though. Actions speak louder, yea? So what's this guy doing for the poor? Maybe I'll look him up.

I forgot to mention a quote my friend told me. He went to this conference somewhere in the midwest, and the speaker said that the people of the 21st century are going to be listening with their eyes. I guess they're tired of listening with their ears. Speech doesn't mean much these days. They're not going to believe a thing that's said unless they can see it lived out too. Or maybe just lived out, like St. Francis said, "Share the gospel at all times, only use words when necessary."

Orthopraxy

2007-02-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

It's as if I'm a binge blogger or something. All at once and then nothing at all. Take in all the ideas, think about them for a while, then spit them out at you. Ok, so maybe that's not a very attractive way of stating it, but, it's what came first to mind...

I'm excited about a couple of things that I wanted to share (and I'll have to keep it short cause I have Perspectives in a minute..)

I heard 2 people talking about orthopraxi today in two completely different settings. How exciting, yea? For those of you who don't know wha orthopraxy is (like me before today..) it's orthodoxy in practice I guess. Walk the talk, you know? I love it when you start hearing about the same thing from different people, it's a neat way to see the work of I AM.

The other exciting thing, I get to witness the strength of the Lord in people. It's incredible, I wasn't there for the beginning, but I get to see it closer to the end (although, technically there's not an end). I get to watch God pour His healing and mercy into a few people's lives, and it's so encouraging to me, I can't tell you. Maybe because the situations I've been around for in the past haven't turned out this way, at least not yet. It's my dream mom. (I'll tell you about my dream some other time if you don't know, no time today..)

Well, it's been a good day. Go put some theology into practice!