wanderlust

So... I still feel like I need to go somewhere. I feel done here.

I did not get the job at NAU, but that is actually kind of a relief, oddly enough. I mean, I want to go back to school and finish my degree, but getting that job would've meant I'd be around for quite a while longer, and, like I said, I want to go somewhere.

I was looking at the International House of Prayer (IHOP) in Kansas City, which has an internship program that looks amazing. And expensive. Sad day. IHOP, if you've not heard of it, started a prayer meeting 7 or 8 years ago and never stopped. There has been 24/7 prayer and worship there for those years.

Well, we'll see what comes along. Maybe nothing will. Maybe I'm to be learning patience. Just when I thought I was done with that one.....

ticking

You know, the truth is...

Well firstly, I want to live life. I mean, I want to experience and love and learn and I need meaningfulness.

I get the feeling that I'm sitting across from this old clock hanging on a wall. I mean, it's been there forever. You can tell. It's kinda dusty, but someone comes around every so often and brushes it off. So I'm sitting there on this old wooden chair and it's ticking at me. It's definately at me. This clock knows I'm here, and it's letting me know it's there also.

So here's this ticking going off in front of my face and I feel like I'm in some race against it, cause it's gonna stop, and I gotta move outta that chair somehow before it happens.

I don't know if it's going to take 60 years or a day. I'm not so worried about that. I'm worried I won't be able to stand up before it stops.

And I think that in all the other rooms, all the other people must feel the same way, but most people never make it up.

I was asked one of the most heart wrenching things yesterday. "Is it even worth it?" And what can I say? Well, you have a wife and kids. And money. But I know what you mean, because I se that picture in my head and you're in one of those chairs and this dream, illusion, the American way, is passing before your eyes and you can't see that clock. But you can hear it. Oh, buddy, can you hear it. And aside from this illusion you can see, you're still in that chair. And nothing will satisfy you until you stand up and swish away that dream, becuase you know it's only dust. You know it, and I know you know it, because you asked a question.
and it was the realest thing I've seen in you.

Gandhi and my ears

Well I decided that since I can't actually go anywhere, I got my ears pierced. First time. I got a few funny looks when I came in to get my ears for the first time and already had a nose ring. hehe.

I feel a little better now. but my feet still itch.

And the other template was too dark. I felt emo (ish), and dark and scary. I don't really go for the whole dark/scary thing. I might be ok with dark/mysterious, but that's a lot of effort. So I'm back to light.

I finished the book by the guy who walked across Russia (very interesting). I'm about to start Gandhi, which is only ok if I read it at work because it is not trendy there. Anywhere else in Flagstaff and it'd be completely trendy to read Gandhi. So I'm glad I work at a non-Gandhi-trend-ish place. Cause I really do want to read it. I don't go for the whole trendy thing either (haha, right. Trends are somewhat unavoidable in this world. I just thought I'd say that to look cool, which is also trendy. haha....)

Blessings.

i wanted you to know

I am going CRAZY. I need to GO somewhere and DO something. Anything. blahhhhh.....

just thought i'd let you know...

borrowed thoughts

"an incredibly powerful liberating force for all of us who want to TRY to take on the tough questions in life knowing that there probably won't be any definitive answers, just the fragile hope that doing the right thing will inevitably lead us deeper into the beauty of life and closer to the ultimate artist who created it. Trying to live in solidarity with the tough questions and follow Jesus is tremendously difficult at times, and the hardest part is that one of the main things that is meant to sustain us in this journey (relationship with each other) is often times the cause of the greatest struggle and doubt! How can we get around this dilemma? Well, in my opinion one of the only definitive answers is that we can't get around it. We have to believe in relationships and continue to invest in them no matter what. The relationships that we build and the experience that we share together are, I think, the highest form of art. The greatest beauty that we can create is what we create in each other, in the way that we mold, shape, and color each others lives in a manner that leads us toward God's shalom (the epitome of beauty)."

I borrowed this quote from the Ashram because it seems to explain life pretty well to me.

It's good to hear someone say that it's right to keep asking the questions we won't find answers to in the way we want to. It's always so good to hear something true about life with God, especially when it's hard to hear because it's the hard-to-hear things that don't get said often enough.

Blessings.

hiking

I climbed up a mountain today. I always feel better after I climb mountains. I was on my way up and getting to that point where I was really tired but had come all that way and didn't want to quit. I, however, am not a person you would apply the adjective "motivated" to. So I decided to ask the next person I saw walking down how much further it was to the top. There was a woman a little ways ahead of me so I kept walking. I got closer and saw that she was, I'd guess, 5 or 6 months pregnant. I decided then and there to hike the rest of the way if I died doing it.

Needless to say, I have a new hero.

Max

Just watched that Max movie. It was heartbreaking.

I did see that movie the Passion when it came out. You know what made me cry the most was the part when Judas recieved the 30 silver coins. This movie reminded me of that somehow, even though it never got to Hitler's "rule". I'm not sure why exactly... maybe because it could have been so different.

There is no such thing as a self-made person. There are always circumstances and events that make us who we are. We only get to choose our reactions. Or sometimes we cause these events. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, we don't cause them they jst happen to us. And we make a decision.

People need love.

People really, really need love. It doesn't matter who they are, what they've experienced, because we don't know the future. We don't know that they will continue to make the wrong decisions. Or that they will begin to. We don't know.

I don't know. You don't know.

This person, Max, did not know what Hitler would become. How could he have known? All Max could do was help Hitler. Sometimes he failed at that. But he didn't know.

All Jesus asked was that we love.

And then trust. Because, I can't make a decision for you. You can't make one for me. Such is life. Trust is an extremely frightening thing. A very vulnerable position to be in. Such is life.

Really, Hitler was just a person. He was human. Real, vulnerable, and very bitter. Very hurt.

Eventually out of his mind.

well i am going to try to sleep. wish me luck. blessings.

approaching...

ratatouille anyone? now i'm thinking in a french accent. oui oui.

i'm almost through the FDR biography. WWII is almost over, so tomorrow i'm borrowing a friend's movie about hitler called Max. supposed to be good. we'll see if i get through it though. same with the book. this author would be good at writing text books. can we say dry? but very informative. and biased. against eleanor. the woman had to put up with a lot, he needs to cut her some slack.

christmas is approaching. i mean, thanksgiving... and veteran's day. (which i have off :)) while i was in OK i was looking through some old photo albums and happened upon an old letter my great-grandfather (whom i never met. Togo Lord.) wrote a few days after Pearl Harbor. Apparently he was stationed there and was on the ground looking for ammo to shoot down planes with. My aunt on the other side o the family was telling me a couple of weeks ago that my grandpa's brother also took part in WWII. he was one of the soldiers killed in the Philippines.

it's humbling to me.

christmas is approaching and the weather is at a steady 70 and sunny. something in this picture is a little off. they're predicting a dry year for snow. hello fire restrictions.

my life is approaching. i feel kind of guilty, like i'm just sitting around watching it pass by. and answering phones. but that's ok, because God hasn't moved me yet. and it's still warm enough to keep the door open. so i sit and stare at the narnia-world from my desk and marvel at those walking about in freedom beyond it. if they only knew what they had. *sigh*

sleepy time. blessings.