This is honest me again.
I'm confused.
AND,
I don't really want to be here right now. But I don't particulary want to be anywhere else.
You know what I want right now? A big brother.
AND,
I want to forget enerything and take out a loan and go to school like a normal kid.
That's it. I want to be normal.
SOMEtimes, I wonder if I'm imagining all these.. whatever.. convictions.
But I can't answer that right now. it's lateandi'mtiredandconfusedme.
I want to be normal and successful and follow God . And be normal .
But,
not really.
I want to take off on exciting and daring excursions and pray constantly and glow and be wise and help people.
it's hard to glow at a desk.
And I want to stop complaining. now.
And would you please pass the world peace?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Huckabee.
I got newsweek a few days ago to read up on this Huckabee character. All I knew about him was that he'd been a Baptist pastor and he was republican. I actually figured the second part out on my own. And then I found out he was a moderate, so I decided I needed to know what he was moderate about. I haven't figured that part out yet.
Here's the breakdown. He began his public speaking life as an assistant to a televangelist *cringe*. Then he became a pastor for 19 years, which he says he viewed the entire time as preparation for a career in politics *cringe*. He has had the usual "trouble" with the IRS, yadda yadda.... I do like that he focuses a lot on ridding the country of racial prejudice. I found out nothing of his Iraq status, or healthcare... He is all for the big wall between us and Mexico *cringe once more*...
I just have a big problem with the fact that people use religion to get into office. And we fall for it. I could be wrong... I mean about Huckabee, not about using religion... So I still don't like any of the candidates. At all. Big surprise. Maybe I'll move to Canada :).
My office had its christmas party this weekend (quite the shindig). Several of my coworkers said little things in passing that made me realize how much they respect me, which means a lot. I'm bad a gauging what others think of me, especially since I'm pretty quiet about personal life at work. Unless someone asks. At church yesterday one of the points was that we need often focus more on our environment than on God's heart. Ouch. I may not be where I'd like to be, but that's not the point. I can't have my own plans if I'm going to be where God wants me. I have a picture (ok, a vague one, but it's still there) of what my life should look like, and I have to be okay with it if God has a different picture. *sigh* mine never included offices, but it's not aabout the office. It's about the people I'm around.
Well, speaking of... lunch break is over. And I just found out I have to work monday morning. Trudge on....
Here's the breakdown. He began his public speaking life as an assistant to a televangelist *cringe*. Then he became a pastor for 19 years, which he says he viewed the entire time as preparation for a career in politics *cringe*. He has had the usual "trouble" with the IRS, yadda yadda.... I do like that he focuses a lot on ridding the country of racial prejudice. I found out nothing of his Iraq status, or healthcare... He is all for the big wall between us and Mexico *cringe once more*...
I just have a big problem with the fact that people use religion to get into office. And we fall for it. I could be wrong... I mean about Huckabee, not about using religion... So I still don't like any of the candidates. At all. Big surprise. Maybe I'll move to Canada :).
My office had its christmas party this weekend (quite the shindig). Several of my coworkers said little things in passing that made me realize how much they respect me, which means a lot. I'm bad a gauging what others think of me, especially since I'm pretty quiet about personal life at work. Unless someone asks. At church yesterday one of the points was that we need often focus more on our environment than on God's heart. Ouch. I may not be where I'd like to be, but that's not the point. I can't have my own plans if I'm going to be where God wants me. I have a picture (ok, a vague one, but it's still there) of what my life should look like, and I have to be okay with it if God has a different picture. *sigh* mine never included offices, but it's not aabout the office. It's about the people I'm around.
Well, speaking of... lunch break is over. And I just found out I have to work monday morning. Trudge on....
Thursday, December 13, 2007
my house shall be called...
A group of people in Flagstaff have had a vision. One of prayer. It is a vision that is sweeping the country. They have a had a vision for a house of prayer.
Last night I came to their second meeting, and I feel like I have had a great priviledge and I'm more excited than I have been in a long time. I keep wondering, Is this why I'm still here? Is this why I've had this feeling that there is something that needs to happen, to be happening, and hasn't yet?
I sat in a circle of 12 and talked and prayed for hours. It was life-giving. I'm so excited guys. Here is the layout of wht we talked about.
1) Caution against individual leaders emerging by mere superficial talent rather than anointing. The greatest among you will be a servant to all - Matthew 17. Asking us all to be servants, level the playing field. Jesus used a child as comparison to the Kingdom of God.
2) House of Prayer is not an exclusive Flagstaff club. It does not have to be the same as the one in Kansas City, but does not have to be different. Let the Lord lead, guide and direct.
3) We are but a mist, a vapor - what is our life, then why do we boast as if our accomplishments are established by our hands verses God's Will. A fear that our plans will be too structured and organized leaving or inhibiting the direction by the God's Spirit. Do not make structure and positions first and then try to fill them with people, BUT trust God to bring people (with heart, spirit, and burden) that would call for a need to create specific structure and positions in due time.
4) Learn how to offer time as a sacrifice of praise: difference between a feeling of obligation and just being faithfully committed to the mundane and small things.
5) A structure and building will not birth a prayer movement = the difference between the old and new testament. Old: structure = brought spirit of God, New Test: we are the temple of God. Focus should not be on the look of the place but on the people inhabiting it (focus: place vs. people).Our spirit can not be limited to a structure.We don't need a place to pray.God prompted question: when are you going to be a house of prayer? God is still working on the heart of His church to humble themselves and seek His face.
6) Do not despise small beginnings
7) His yoke is easy: His call does not come as obligation but freedom.
8) A place of genuine fellowship, community, and freedom
9) Wait in Faith.
10) Those who wait will not be ashamed Ps. 25:3; 27:14; analogy of a Pregnant women: it takes nine months to conceive and develop, so you have to wait patiently to the end to know what your baby will finally look like. In the same way, we do not know fully what a Flagstaff House of Prayer will look like now, but we must wait for God to reveal to us the look and function piece by piece.
11) Can not have a ministry that needs more help then the people the ministry is trying to help. We are the temple, we do need to make one. People not living in the spirit need structure. Giving our time to God, not fitting God into our time. Natural vs. Forcing the will of God
12) We are students of Truth. Humble to reveal and learn
13) Private Room = secret place that empowers us to move into the public. Position self in a place to receive, not led by emotions but commitment. We are meant and created to pray and be intimate with Him our bridegroom.
14) A burden from God should not produce weariness. What is the burden of the Lord: that people will humble themselves and seek His face.
15) The beauty of each meeting is the unknown: not knowing what word the spirit of God has given each person individually and corporately. This builds trust and relationships.
16) Doctrine and denominational issues of those who are part of the House of Prayer. The question was: How are we going to answer the questions of people who come in while the staff comes from so many different doctrinal backgrounds. Apostle Paul said I have not determined to know nothing, but Jesus Christ and Him crucified. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 and Ephesians 4: we are prisoners of the Lord, we should admonish one another with a bond of peace, lowliness, gentleness and love. We must agree on some key doctrinal issues in order to make a statement of faith (like Jesus died and rose again), but we should not get caught up in straightening each others doctrine out because we all know in part. 1 Cor 13. UNITY.
17) Blow the trumpet, sound the alarm. Joel 2
18) Set sights High
19) We should not be so concern with every detail of how to minister and lead the lost, but be more trusting of God's spirit in us to specifically reveal truth as the relationship develops.
Scriptures Referenced:
Matthew 7:12-23;17; 25:34-40
James 4; 5
Acts 20:22-24
Duet. 26:12-13
Joel 2
2 Timothy 2:24-26
Eph 4:12
Ps. 25:3; 27:14
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Last night I came to their second meeting, and I feel like I have had a great priviledge and I'm more excited than I have been in a long time. I keep wondering, Is this why I'm still here? Is this why I've had this feeling that there is something that needs to happen, to be happening, and hasn't yet?
I sat in a circle of 12 and talked and prayed for hours. It was life-giving. I'm so excited guys. Here is the layout of wht we talked about.
1) Caution against individual leaders emerging by mere superficial talent rather than anointing. The greatest among you will be a servant to all - Matthew 17. Asking us all to be servants, level the playing field. Jesus used a child as comparison to the Kingdom of God.
2) House of Prayer is not an exclusive Flagstaff club. It does not have to be the same as the one in Kansas City, but does not have to be different. Let the Lord lead, guide and direct.
3) We are but a mist, a vapor - what is our life, then why do we boast as if our accomplishments are established by our hands verses God's Will. A fear that our plans will be too structured and organized leaving or inhibiting the direction by the God's Spirit. Do not make structure and positions first and then try to fill them with people, BUT trust God to bring people (with heart, spirit, and burden) that would call for a need to create specific structure and positions in due time.
4) Learn how to offer time as a sacrifice of praise: difference between a feeling of obligation and just being faithfully committed to the mundane and small things.
5) A structure and building will not birth a prayer movement = the difference between the old and new testament. Old: structure = brought spirit of God, New Test: we are the temple of God. Focus should not be on the look of the place but on the people inhabiting it (focus: place vs. people).Our spirit can not be limited to a structure.We don't need a place to pray.God prompted question: when are you going to be a house of prayer? God is still working on the heart of His church to humble themselves and seek His face.
6) Do not despise small beginnings
7) His yoke is easy: His call does not come as obligation but freedom.
8) A place of genuine fellowship, community, and freedom
9) Wait in Faith.
10) Those who wait will not be ashamed Ps. 25:3; 27:14; analogy of a Pregnant women: it takes nine months to conceive and develop, so you have to wait patiently to the end to know what your baby will finally look like. In the same way, we do not know fully what a Flagstaff House of Prayer will look like now, but we must wait for God to reveal to us the look and function piece by piece.
11) Can not have a ministry that needs more help then the people the ministry is trying to help. We are the temple, we do need to make one. People not living in the spirit need structure. Giving our time to God, not fitting God into our time. Natural vs. Forcing the will of God
12) We are students of Truth. Humble to reveal and learn
13) Private Room = secret place that empowers us to move into the public. Position self in a place to receive, not led by emotions but commitment. We are meant and created to pray and be intimate with Him our bridegroom.
14) A burden from God should not produce weariness. What is the burden of the Lord: that people will humble themselves and seek His face.
15) The beauty of each meeting is the unknown: not knowing what word the spirit of God has given each person individually and corporately. This builds trust and relationships.
16) Doctrine and denominational issues of those who are part of the House of Prayer. The question was: How are we going to answer the questions of people who come in while the staff comes from so many different doctrinal backgrounds. Apostle Paul said I have not determined to know nothing, but Jesus Christ and Him crucified. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 and Ephesians 4: we are prisoners of the Lord, we should admonish one another with a bond of peace, lowliness, gentleness and love. We must agree on some key doctrinal issues in order to make a statement of faith (like Jesus died and rose again), but we should not get caught up in straightening each others doctrine out because we all know in part. 1 Cor 13. UNITY.
17) Blow the trumpet, sound the alarm. Joel 2
18) Set sights High
19) We should not be so concern with every detail of how to minister and lead the lost, but be more trusting of God's spirit in us to specifically reveal truth as the relationship develops.
Scriptures Referenced:
Matthew 7:12-23;17; 25:34-40
James 4; 5
Acts 20:22-24
Duet. 26:12-13
Joel 2
2 Timothy 2:24-26
Eph 4:12
Ps. 25:3; 27:14
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Monday, December 10, 2007
winter wonderland
I had the day off today, and it was a perfect day to have off. It's been snowing pretty much all day and right now the sky is that orange-y color it gets when it snows and there's got to be 7 inches on the ground. And on the trees. So pretty. Delightful. Amazing. I like it, to say the least.
I started out the day with cleaning out my closet (ouch) and doing dishes left over from our christmas party last night. There must've been 40 people in our place. And so this morning I washed 40 mugs that smelled like apple cider. And I felt nicely productive, which is good since I did nothing else I needed to.
Then I read my book, a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch by Solzhenitsyn (and please don't ask me to pronounce any of that. I'm thinking of learning Russian just so I can pronounce the names in books.) I Harriet Beecher Stowe help to inform America of the conditions of slavery, Solzhenitsyn informed Russia of the Soviet prison camps. It's very interesting, to say the least.
Now I must sleep for I may have to shovel out my car in the morning since they have not yet plowed our road. At all. *fingers crossed* But, mom, the rodeo handles AMAZINGLY well in the snow. Much gratefulness your way.
peace.
I started out the day with cleaning out my closet (ouch) and doing dishes left over from our christmas party last night. There must've been 40 people in our place. And so this morning I washed 40 mugs that smelled like apple cider. And I felt nicely productive, which is good since I did nothing else I needed to.
Then I read my book, a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch by Solzhenitsyn (and please don't ask me to pronounce any of that. I'm thinking of learning Russian just so I can pronounce the names in books.) I Harriet Beecher Stowe help to inform America of the conditions of slavery, Solzhenitsyn informed Russia of the Soviet prison camps. It's very interesting, to say the least.
Now I must sleep for I may have to shovel out my car in the morning since they have not yet plowed our road. At all. *fingers crossed* But, mom, the rodeo handles AMAZINGLY well in the snow. Much gratefulness your way.
peace.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
gym.... Lost
Well, I joined a gym. I couldn't stand the sitting and... sitting... and... you get the picture. So I did it.
When you first sign up you meet with a trainer (my friend haapens to be one there so I got to do this with her) and they figure out what sorts of things will help, what won't, etc. She figured out what the back pain is about and is going to give some stretches and what not to help (yay!)
Moving around makes me happy, I've decided. I love life when I can do soemthing active and so, I think this membership is worth the money.
Now if I can only figure out how to keep my mind from going numb at work, I'll be all set. (No more books. A very sad day.)
ALso, I made the unfortunate decision to watch a few episodes of LOST. Now I need to know what the heck is going on. It's movie season. Too cold and dark for anything else. Actually, it's not cold during the day. But I work during the day. ANd this is my excuse.
lunch break is over. Peace.
When you first sign up you meet with a trainer (my friend haapens to be one there so I got to do this with her) and they figure out what sorts of things will help, what won't, etc. She figured out what the back pain is about and is going to give some stretches and what not to help (yay!)
Moving around makes me happy, I've decided. I love life when I can do soemthing active and so, I think this membership is worth the money.
Now if I can only figure out how to keep my mind from going numb at work, I'll be all set. (No more books. A very sad day.)
ALso, I made the unfortunate decision to watch a few episodes of LOST. Now I need to know what the heck is going on. It's movie season. Too cold and dark for anything else. Actually, it's not cold during the day. But I work during the day. ANd this is my excuse.
lunch break is over. Peace.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Offices.
Well, I looked for business-y clothes this weekend. And watched a lot of the Office, and it wasn't until today that I noticed how ironic it is that I watched the Office on my day off from the office. anyhow. I decided women's business clothes aren't made for me because none of them seem to fit right. Sad day.
That is me not being happy about offices.
So yesterday church was about God's heart for the poor, and it was hard for me to hear, being stuck here in an office all week long and not doing anything much. I feel useless. I think that is my wanderlust problem.
I started thinking back on all of the things I was involved in in Williams, and I think firstly that I did way too much stuff that I didn't need to be doing. I mean, stuff I wasn't gifted or talented at so it all stressed me out. And I failed sometimes. Which stresses me out. Ok, maybe I didn't fail, but it felt like it. Like this kids' thing I ended up running. It's gone now.
I think I've been feeling guilty that I didn't do more for the kids. I loved the kids, I didn't so much love running that thing. I don't think it was my fault though, so I decided not to feel guilty about it anymore. Which is the short version.
SOmetimes I wonder if God wants me to go back and do something with the little kids there. I haven't a clue what that would be though. There's Younglife.. and wyldlife, which are both amazing and I've seen many kids' lives changed through them and the leaders there. But, there's really not much of anything for the little ones, and really, by 5th grade they're on a path that's hard to change.
Well. Wait and see. I'm not a leader and I'm really bad at initiation. So.
I need to go return the Office and head off to home group. Peace.
That is me not being happy about offices.
So yesterday church was about God's heart for the poor, and it was hard for me to hear, being stuck here in an office all week long and not doing anything much. I feel useless. I think that is my wanderlust problem.
I started thinking back on all of the things I was involved in in Williams, and I think firstly that I did way too much stuff that I didn't need to be doing. I mean, stuff I wasn't gifted or talented at so it all stressed me out. And I failed sometimes. Which stresses me out. Ok, maybe I didn't fail, but it felt like it. Like this kids' thing I ended up running. It's gone now.
I think I've been feeling guilty that I didn't do more for the kids. I loved the kids, I didn't so much love running that thing. I don't think it was my fault though, so I decided not to feel guilty about it anymore. Which is the short version.
SOmetimes I wonder if God wants me to go back and do something with the little kids there. I haven't a clue what that would be though. There's Younglife.. and wyldlife, which are both amazing and I've seen many kids' lives changed through them and the leaders there. But, there's really not much of anything for the little ones, and really, by 5th grade they're on a path that's hard to change.
Well. Wait and see. I'm not a leader and I'm really bad at initiation. So.
I need to go return the Office and head off to home group. Peace.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
blah
well, it's been a while, but mainly for the reason I've nothing new to say.
I have to start dressing more professionally for work and I've decided it's a good thing I'm not going into business cause I hate dress suits. blah. that's how I feel about them. and offices. but not the Office, which I've watched a lot this week.... funny...
It actually has snowed today. It can't quite make up its mind whether to snow or rain, but I have seen some snow, and there's some on the mountains. Which means I need to go find a book and read at the coffee shop.
which means goodbye.
peace.
I have to start dressing more professionally for work and I've decided it's a good thing I'm not going into business cause I hate dress suits. blah. that's how I feel about them. and offices. but not the Office, which I've watched a lot this week.... funny...
It actually has snowed today. It can't quite make up its mind whether to snow or rain, but I have seen some snow, and there's some on the mountains. Which means I need to go find a book and read at the coffee shop.
which means goodbye.
peace.
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