Real? Rant?

BLAH!!!!!!!!! And that is how I feel right now. My mom asked me why I wouldn't leave up a blog that I took down because it was real. So here's another real blog, and I guess I'll leave it up. I've been struggling to give something to God, and I feel like He's been taunting me with it. At least, that's how I feel. I don't actually know that He's taunting me. AND I want to go somewhere and do something. I don't like this just working and living and not heping anybody, BUT I'm scared to do anything about it. AND I think God wants me here just workign and living and not going anywhere (for time being) BUT I don't want to and I don't understand why He didn't want me in school because now this puts off what I really want to be doing with my degree. All I want (yes yes, I said I... point taken..) is to get my degree, change the world, get married somewhere in the middle of that (more towards the beginning actually) and have kids. That's it. Really, is that too much? I also want to know everything about God, be full of Joy and Life and memorize the Bible. Only God's taunting me right now. or something. But we're still on speaking terms, I just dont' appreciate the taunting very much.. no, I'm not going to tell you what He's taunting me about. It's not that real of a blog. AND I want a personality makeover. wouldn't mind a physicla one as well. I may as well want snow. AHHHH!!!! And that, is how I feel tonight. btw, I'm also frustrated with America and her lack of care for countries that really need our help. Including our own. Stupid celebrities and athletes. Getting paid millions while teachers get dirt. That's nice America... Good priorities. but who needs teachers? We've killed a whole generation already cause we're selfish and want to have sex with no consequences. Because babies are somehow consequences instead of blessings now. Stupid people. I'm stupid too, don't worry. So this is my real/ranting blog. I don't do it to often so you got most of it. I didn't even go into Africa though. Some other time. I should try to sleep. Only now I'm upset. I should pray. K night..

Monday

Well, school started today. Well, for Northern AZ it did anyway. I won't go inot the whole thing, but, I am not going this semester. I found out today (yes, a couple hours before my first class..) that I was going to have to drop all of my classes. I have gone through many, many frames of mind today. The first, stress about starting classes, not having books, etc. Next, stress and humiliation at not being able to attend school. I will pause here...

I have always been of the mindset that finishing high school meant going to college. (well, I still really want my degree, and I will be gong back next semester..) But, it's become an issue of pride for me. I was dreading telling anyone that I'm not in school. That, and I found it really hard ot believe that God doesn't have school in His plans for me right now. So, I had to take a while to sit and pray.. God revealed my pride to me, and He (is still) giving me peace about it.

Well, now I feel ok about it, and I even have another job lined up already with Ryan the Roaster :). He's opening up a little coffee shack and it's going to be part of the White Dove (coffee house I already work at.. btw, Ryan also happens to be the best coffee Roaster in the world),. Praise the Lord! My mind set now? Breathe... for the first time in months I think.

Family

I'm at home right now sitting in my sister's room listening to Emma read the Chronicles of Narnia to Maggie. It's a bed time ritual for them. They're two of the most selfless people I know, Emma and Maggie are.

Growing up, Emma was the one who would do anything you asked her too no matter the inconvenience to herself. Well she may not wear a baseball cap 24-7 anymore (that's been replaced by headphones), and she may not have an armful of baby dolls with her at every second, but she still has the heart of a servant. It's such a beautiful heart.

Maggie is a people person. From the time she was 2 or 3 she was the unofficial church greeter. She walked around the church being her bubbly little happy self introducing herself to newcomers, or chatting with old friends, or gettin her hug fix from "Darlin". She's always been eager to make other people happy. Her heart is full of love for others. I know every person in our family has been given encouraging little pictures/notes or other items she finds joy in giving away.

Bethany, she is the life of the house. She is the hugger, the laugher, the crier, the creator. I think she got all of the creativity in the family, whether it be food, clothes, or art she is always making something new. She's one of those people you want around to make life fun and bright. And sometimes (more and more often) she surprises you with these thoughts about God and life that make you pause and think, Wow, that's incredible. Behind the silly-ness is a very thoughtful and extremely smart girl.

Everyone loves my parents. They're so different from each other, but they're perfect together. My dad is amazing. Tonight I went to the prayer meeting at RPBC and watched him as he talked about knowing more about God. eventually, he was so caught up in what he was talking about, he was leaning over the table, eyes shining and voice full of joy. I love more than anything else to listen to my dad, whether he is talking or singing. Anytime I'm feeling unsure about things all I need is to see him or hear him talk and everything seems right again. well, I could go on and on.. I love talking about him to people :)

My mom is so special. She makes me laugh all the time, my friends love being around her. If my mom is happy, all of us are happy, and if she's not home we all feel something is completely out of place. She is devoted to loving us and loving the Lord. She is very strong in times of stress or need. Times like right now. She is the glue that holds everything together. One time I heard one of her older sisters asking for advice, and I remember thinking she's so full of wisdom in the way she handles everything, especially raising us. She is a lot like the proverbs 31 woman. Love you mom!

And that's my family.. my best memories are all with them. Especially decorating the tree :)! camping, long drives, monopoly (trying to beat my dad but never being able to), building forts, dressing up, playing school (don't ask me why though), laughing at Bear talk in his New Joisey accent, laughig til we're all in tears at the dinner table, pumpkin picking, etc

Back to School Bash

This morning my church had our big Back to School giveaway. Background first… We meet in a recreation center in Brannen homes here, and we do so because we want to be able to minister to the families living there. It’s a low income housing development. There are bunches of kids around all the time, so we decided to have a back to school thing. We had a hundred (very nice) backpacks full of school supplies to give away, as well as lunch (hotdogs, etc) and gift bags donated by dentists. Well, we had around 300 people show up!! Praise Him!! We got to meet so many people, and a few families told us they would come tomorrow. I got to play with some little girls, they were all so precious. I’m so excited for what God has planned there. The people of Village Park Baptist Church came up to help us out (btw mom, they said to tell ya’ll hello..) It’s so exciting to be part of this. I can’t begin to tell you.. to be able to give these children things they need.. I think it’s so important to minister to people’s physical needs as well as their spiritual ones. I think it gets neglected sometimes, not always of course. I spent some time with one little girl, she is 5, and could not believe the words coming out of her mouth. What makes it sad is that she knew what she was saying.. I mean, I hear my preschool kids say things all the time, but they never fully comprehend the significance of the words. They’re more like parrots repeating what they hear. This little girl knew. So sad. But all the more for Jesus to heal, right? It must be one of the most heartbreaking things in the world to see a child who has lost its innocence. Innocence is one of the greatest gifts we are given as children, and once it is lost it is very hard to regain.

My week thus far

My roommate is being courted, and I was trying to figure out what you would call him.. and I decided on gentleman caller. Because it's fun. Well, it's fun for me, probably not so much for him, but he asked for it when he started courting my roommate so there. I started my new job yesterday. I am a secretary. Office girl to the rescue!! hehe... Today I became an expert at writing out violations. I like it though, total change of pace for me. I can't tell you how nice it is to go to work at 9. I can actually get up really early and do morning stuff now! woohoo! I can eat breakfast sitting down, and meet with God.. I hadn't been having my prayer/study time in the mornings, and it's so much better to do it then. It makes a difference. Oh, and, great news: I get to wear jeans on Fridays! This may not seem like much to you, but I've never had to dress up for work before and it'll be nice to wear normal clothes. Although, I gotta admit, I kinda like the dressing up going to the office thing. I've always wanted one of those jobs.. Not sure I could hndle the monotony of an office as a career though. I will miss my kids though. I'd be missing them even if I wasn't leaving today though, they're all growed up and going to Kinder Garden. I will miss my kids but I definately won't miss the gossip. I met a pastor who does prison ministries at the coffee house today. He is very enthusiastic.. The conversation went something like this... Hey man, you know Jesus is so amazing man! I mean, we're going to take over this area for JESUS! Yes! It's so cool man. Totally man. Hey is that your red car man? That's a sweet red car man, i used to have a red car, but I won't ever again. They're cool to look at man, but that paint is so hard to keep shiny man. I used to buy diapers and clean with those man. Ok so I may have exagerated the lingo a little.. he really is a sweet man though. He's probably old enough to be my grandpa, and he loves the Lord and the men in that prison. I've been on a C.S. Lewis kick lately.. just finished the Screwtape Letters and the Great Divorce. Both pretty thought provoking, although they are both entirely imaginary they contain a good deal of Truth. Now I'm on to the Abolition of Man. Ok well, I should go to bed. Good night all. Be Blessed, seek Joy, live Love!