williams, new jersey, and robert frost

And so we’ve said goodbye to the small town of Williams… My family (and I) lived there for about nine years, almost as long as we lived in Jersey. I don’t remember much about NJ, but Williams has left its ineffaceable mark on me. You know those tags they put in the ears of cows? Well, once you’ve lived in Williams it’s like you have one of those attached to your heart. Don’t ask me how I thought of that analogy. T is not easy to acquire this tag, it’s painful and it takes a while. Williams is… unique. It is, after all, the only town in Arizona to have an outdoor ice-skating rink. In the summer a man gets shot every night on main street (and it’s always the same guy…) They’ve recently added putting a huge tree in the middle of the road, to the star on the hill tradition at Christmastime. It does have an amazing coffee shop (I happened to work there..), which has once again changed ownership. They have extraordinary people there too. There are buckskinners, cowboys, artists, (quite a few normal people lol), and I believe there have been sightings of ninjas…. Each place we’ve been has been completely different. New Jersey, well, it’s the east; obviously there are going to be some major cultural differences. My mom talks about the first time she went to the produce junction; if you didn’t know exactly what you wanted right away you were regarded with the utmost contempt and disdain. It’s kind of like the soup nazi. No soup for you! I was thinking about Jersey today, a poem we read in my English class reminded me of it. It was a Robert Frost poem, Birches. When I see birches bend to left and right
 Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
 I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
 But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
 Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
 Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
 After a rain. They click upon themselves
 As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
 As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel. Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
 Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
 Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
 You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
 They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
 And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
 So low for long, they never right themselves:
 You may see their trunks arching in the woods
 Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
 Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
 Before them over their heads to dry in the sun. I remember having a couple bad ice storms. The world became beautiful.. everything coated in a smooth layer of ice and snow. I love to be in the woods when it’s just snowed. It’s a beautiful unbroken silence. There are different kinds of silence—and they all sound different. Well, this one is my favorite. The next might be the silence of the woods in the summer. That’s not really silence at all, it would only seem silent to the unattentive and restless. It loses its silence when you become silent yourself. Hush your mind, that busy brain which would worry, would race you back to the surroundings you came to escape from. The truth is, we can never escape anything if all we are trying to do is just that. That becomes an endless running away, and it is wearying. Problems must be dealt with. They must be given over to God who is able to deal with them. I’m not really sure how that just morphed from memories of NJ to problems.. I guess what I’m really thinking about always makes its appearance even if its subconsciously done lol. Interesting… well, I am done for now. Off to study postmodernism… very interesting stuff. (and that was not a sarcastic statement lol.)

Joy

We had our yard sale today, and the house is rather empty-ish. hmm sad? maybe. I'm not sad right now though, so I'll have to answer that question later. Why am I not sad? Also a good question, or maybe a better one, Why should I be sad? Well, there's really no good reason to be, so I'm not. Fair enough. And I gotta admit, the nice day today and yesterday helped a whole heap, which really means God wanted to make me smile. I'm glad He did, everyone needs a good smile every now and again. He has His ways of doing it too. Usually for me, it's a big blue sky and perfect weather, maybe a few BIG fluffy white clouds in there. Or it could be something a friend says, one of my kids even. (On a side note, I've discovered that children have the very best, purest philsophies on life. It's true. For instance the other day I was talking to Maggie, not my sister-the serious maggie in my class, oh is she serious!, well she told me that she and Conner are going to get married. Not a surprise, i smiled and gave them my blessing. She continued to say that once they are married Conner's sole purpose in life will be to buy her nice shoes, and dresses, and he will take her places. I laughed. I laugh at my kids a lot, but don't worry, they enjoy it immensely. They also enjoy making piles of dirt for me...) God is a God of joy! Praise Him for it! Joy doesn't always mean happiness though. It's hard to define joy, it's not something you can catch with words. My uncle went on a mission trip to Africa last summer with his church. They made a movie when they got back, and he was showing it to us. It was going along, showing the men building things and meeting people and whatnot, then it showed all of these children. They were singing songs and looked like they could have been at a VBS or something. They were laughing and singing and dancing! The movie went back to the men building things and meeting people and whatnot for a while, then it was over. My uncle began to tell us about it, and then he said that the children, those beautiful happy children, were victims of AIDS. They were all orphans. There were about 400 or more of them. They were standing in line, as they did every day, to receive their meal of rice. They stood in that line once every day, and rarely was there enough food for all of them. The youngest children were usually in the back of the line. That is joy. That right there--in their smiles, in their eyes-- that was joy. God is joy and God is love. he doesn't just have love, He IS love. it's what He is. He wrote in the stars! Stars are part of what joy is I think, maybe something that spilled out from it.

once upon a time in williams...

We have a modern day Andy Griffith in our midst! Give it up for Officer K, the greatest police officer in the entire world. To begin the story we start off at the house of a Mr. Chadwick Fields. A few have gathered there to visit as the said Mr Fields as he was currently injured…. They sat around discussing fish and all other sorts of things which commonly occupy the conversations of youth.
 There was a knock at the door * knock knock knock * and who should appear but Officer K carrying a bouquet of weeds to cheer the hapless invalid. They were beautiful weeds of a most rare kind, so rare, indeed, that I could not even tell you their names. Officer K was much distressed at the sight of Mr. Fields and begged him not to get up. Officer K (with quite an ecstatic look upon his face) asked them if they would care to see the newest program he had developed for his * ahem * customers. He led them all out to his police car and started to do something on his laptop. He finally had it ready, he turned the laptop towards them and there it was! The official and original Beverly Hillbillies show! He assured us that he had already tested his new program on his * ahem * customers, and it had been pronounced as amazing. (perhaps even stupendous, but we can’t be sure..) he had arrested someone just the other night and played his new program for them, and they had laughed all the way to jail. He hopes to upgrade soon to the Brady Bunch and COPS. 
 You may laugh at my story but I assure you that these events did indeed take place, and if you have any doubts, all you have to do is come see one of the many fine parades led by Officer K. The annual “Clean Yourself Parade” (in which they hand out free bars of soap and spray the audience with water guns) the unnamed parade last year featuring the cop car, the tandem bike, and a band consisting of the mentioned Chad Fields playing his violin (much to the chagrin of the audience….) The next Parade shall be happening this afternoon in honor of a certain injured person at 4:30. Details to be discussed at the coffee shop. 
 Ah the joys of small towns haha!

the usual

Well here I am sitting in my new apartment sipping peppermint tea and watching Finding Neverland. It is lovely, very. It is nice to have our own place with my own furniture and dishes and whatnot. It feels like a place I can belong to. Our stuff fits perfectly, we’d been afraid we’d never get it all in here. It is full of candles and books stuffed here and there and an amazing picture ?. I must admit, I will kind of miss my drives to and from work. It was nice to have some time all to myself to think (or not think) and to enjoy the beautiful gift God gave us, the world and all that’s good in it. A few times I was able to watch both the sunrise and the sunset on the same day. It made me wonder why we (myself included, alas for Gilmore Girls…) will make it a point to see our favorite tv shows, even sometimes schedule our lives around it, but we never take the time to watch the sunset. God paints intricate sunrises and sunsets every day just for us and we hardly ever take the time to enjoy it with Him. It’s a shame. And then there’s the stars, those beautiful dancing stars that cheer up what would be a vast oppressive darkness every night. 
 So I just finished reading like three or four books on not dating, or at least dating differently and they were pretty good. I think my favorite was Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. She has become one of my heroes along with Amy Carmichael, both amazing women. She has a very unique love story, and I’m going to tell it to you so get ready. She was in her senior year of college I believe and God called her to a “season of singleness”. All very well and good, she struggled with it of course. She didn’t know if it was to be for a short time or for life (ahhh!!) A few months later she met Jim (about whon they are making a movie which is to come out soon!) well, they became really good friends, and inevitably fell in love. He had also been called to be single, because he was going to South America as a missionary where they wouldn’t accept married men because it was too dangerous. A year after they had met he told her he loved her, and that they couldn’t do anything about it, not even write. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like for a few months let alone what turned out to be around 6 years I think. Six years of being in love with someone you might or might not see once or twice a year, and only could write to occasionally. Talk about faith. Well, they did get married eventually and served as missionaries for I think 3 years. And then what happened? He was killed by the natives he was serving. And that is when I would go crazy. Maybe she did for a while, I don’t know. But she kept her amazingly strong faith in God and He’s used her to help other people who think they have it hard. Ha. After that what could possibly seem hard? Well anyways it’s a good book which I would recommend to anyone no matter what their views on dating are. 
 I also really liked Boy Meets Girl, by the same guy who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I never read all the way…). That one explained more of what I wanted to know. What happens when you meet someone and God tells you you may marry them? Perhaps I will explain that later. If you’re curious I’d be glad to talk about it though. I’m still sorting through everything. I have a while of course. I’m only 18 (as much as I’d like to pretend I’m old and whatnot I do know that 18 is still very young, which is ok), and I don’t plan on being married for quite a while. I’ve got things to do. Places to see. Lol. (and lots and lots of things to learn, such as How to write shorter blogs haha…)

anything and everything

And the ice skating rink is a hit!!! *ba dum ching! (I know it doesn't exactly fit, but I wanted to do it...) So Williams amazes me yet again. Yup, that's right folks, right her in yer very own hometown we hev the one aaand only outdoor ice skating rink in the whole state of Arizona. Yes sirree, and dats de facts dat is. there is only one thing wrong here. I have not been to it yet. *sigh* i know, i know, but I'm busy! gosh gimme a break. lol. I reallyreally wanted to go the other night. I was studying for a final, and I could here the christmas music drifting from the rink. It was calling my name! stinkin school... But now I'm done!! Can you feel the joy, the excitement, the wonder and awe!? Of course, now I have even less time though. Oy. Ya just can't win. I'm jk, I'm not complaining, I need the money, but working 45 hours a week??
 I worked all day today and I am worn out. I was getting pretty frustrated with some of those kids too but that was my fault, not theirs. Kids are kids, I have no right to expect them to be anything else. It's a lot more than just a "job" though. I have some of those kids longer than their parents do. It's very sad. So it's more than just daycare, it's teaching them and training them. GOd has His ways of reminding me of that throughout the day. Today I was having a hard time with one girl, Victoria (I think I've written about her before..) She is very touchy about some things, and it's been getting worse and worse. Her Grandmother just obtained full custody of her and her brother. her mother I believe is in rehab, and her homelife has in the past just been terrible. Anyways, she won't sit next to the boys in class, and sometimes she won't sit by anyone. I found out they think she may have been molested. How could anyone do that to a child?? I can't even think about it. SHe is 4 years old. How does all of that hurt and heartache fit into four years old? i get frustrated and shortsighted and only see the tantrums and fits, but that's not it. It's the pain in her that's spilling out because she cannot hold it all. Oh God please help her. 
 Jacob is my most troublesome one. he is the very epitome of a mischievous little boy. Yet during the times that he's not causing trouble or sitting in time out lol, he surprises me. Today he randomly came up and gave me a hug. He's never done that before. He has a little crush on Azucena too, it's kinda funny (and it means I really have to keep an eye on him!) He's such a little gentleman to her though! It's quite amazing. He always gets her chair for her and does all these little things that I hardly ever see guys my age doing for girls. (btw, guys, chivalry especially with your friends, counts for a lot... just saying... and I'm not saying you guys don't try. we know you do) 
 I made a decision, actually a few weeks ago, that I am not going to date. I thought i should say this, or I might lose my courage lol so here I am shouting it out to the world (because as we all well know, the whole world is on myspace... ha and they all read my blog, of course...) Anyways, back to the main point *ahem*. Yes I said it. It was not an easy decision to make, let me tell you. Superficially I still wanted to date, because well, who doesn't? However, unsuperficially I knew that dating wan't for me. It really wasn't my decision though, it's something I knew God was telling me. Do I know how this is going to work? no. I'm blindfolded in that respect (God likes blindfolds. a lot.) I feel so much better now though. I will admit, I'm nervous telling people about it, for obvious reasons. I'm sure you think I'm crazy now. (although in all fairness, you probabl thought that before...) I will state a few of my reasons and maybe you'll understand, maybe you won't. First of all, I always knew I could never date a guy I couldn't see myself marrying someday. Also it's safer physically and emotionally. Truthfully, I am scared to death of the thought of breaking up, or being rejected. It hurts a lot, and leaves scars. there's more, but those are probably the main reasons, well, and that God told me to so uh, I didn't have much say in the matter. But it's so cool, cause now I can have guy friends without any pressure whatsoever (unless they're a stalker *sigh....) And besides, I have things to do before I'll be ready to be with someone. I have plans and goals, and they might take a while.. (especially that Learn to Cook one. should be simple you may say, however cooking requires much attention to details, and you only have to know me a little to know this may cause some difficulty...)
 gosh golly gee this thing is long. well folks, it is time to say good night. I am tired, and I get to get up early and see some kids :). Every day is filled with purpose and God so... enjoy! REjoice in the Lord always, I will say it again. Rejoice!

btw... if you have any questions please ask me. :)