Hmm so this might be a wierd comparison to make, but it makes sense to me.. I'm home for the weekend and I was (am) the last one up so I was putting our dog to bed (that sounds funny, but I don't know how else to describe it) and I let her outside then back in, she got a treat and I shut her up in the laundry room. Anyways she knows she always gets a treat after she goes outside. I've had kinda a rough day, well it was a good day, but I wasn't in the right place. Whenever I start feeling like this the first thing I think of is that I need to get right with God, etc. It's kind of like I'm performing this duty to get my "treat". My joy, peace, confidence... Don't get me wrong, it's not a duty or a chore for me to spend time with God. I enjoy it so much. Problem is, I just don't think about it as much when I already have joy. Then somehow it always turns into like a false joy, if you know what I mean. My focus has turned to something else (usually the same thing) and I get off track. I hate this feeling ugh. I wish I could make a commitment never ever to get off track again, but unfortuantely all I can do is say I'll try. Actually, I take that back. I can't even try. Not on my own. I'm human, I admit it. I'm weak, you have no idea how weak. I'm realizing this more and more as time goes on. Quite honestly, I'm glad God is the only one who can see inside me. Even when it appears I'm doing things for God, my motives are almost always wrong. So really, it's worthless. If I could just grasp the concept that God loves me all the time, it would be amazing. It's so easy to have head knowledge. sunday school answers... God loves me and He doesn't remember all that junk that's been in my life. He remembers my sins no more. So amazing, and so hard to grasp. My kids would get it though. I need to be more like them. well, in some ways lol. To be christ-like.. such a jargon-ish word. Jesus-like might be better. I wish I could sit in His lap. It's crazy, He's so holy that I don't think I could lift my face from the ground in His presence, yet He's such a Father too that I really do think He'd want me to sit in His lap. I don't deserve to, and it's very presumptuous of me to say that but that's what I think. I imagine doing that sometimes when I'm praying.. it helps. Well... it's off to bed for me. I just had to process a little before I could sleep lol. night...