Monday, February 27, 2006

williams, new jersey, and robert frost

And so we’ve said goodbye to the small town of Williams… My family (and I) lived there for about nine years, almost as long as we lived in Jersey. I don’t remember much about NJ, but Williams has left its ineffaceable mark on me. You know those tags they put in the ears of cows? Well, once you’ve lived in Williams it’s like you have one of those attached to your heart. Don’t ask me how I thought of that analogy. T is not easy to acquire this tag, it’s painful and it takes a while. Williams is… unique. It is, after all, the only town in Arizona to have an outdoor ice-skating rink. In the summer a man gets shot every night on main street (and it’s always the same guy…) They’ve recently added putting a huge tree in the middle of the road, to the star on the hill tradition at Christmastime. It does have an amazing coffee shop (I happened to work there..), which has once again changed ownership. They have extraordinary people there too. There are buckskinners, cowboys, artists, (quite a few normal people lol), and I believe there have been sightings of ninjas…. Each place we’ve been has been completely different. New Jersey, well, it’s the east; obviously there are going to be some major cultural differences. My mom talks about the first time she went to the produce junction; if you didn’t know exactly what you wanted right away you were regarded with the utmost contempt and disdain. It’s kind of like the soup nazi. No soup for you! I was thinking about Jersey today, a poem we read in my English class reminded me of it. It was a Robert Frost poem, Birches. When I see birches bend to left and right
 Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
 I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
 But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
 Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
 Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
 After a rain. They click upon themselves
 As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
 As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel. Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
 Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
 Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
 You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
 They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
 And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
 So low for long, they never right themselves:
 You may see their trunks arching in the woods
 Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
 Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
 Before them over their heads to dry in the sun. I remember having a couple bad ice storms. The world became beautiful.. everything coated in a smooth layer of ice and snow. I love to be in the woods when it’s just snowed. It’s a beautiful unbroken silence. There are different kinds of silence—and they all sound different. Well, this one is my favorite. The next might be the silence of the woods in the summer. That’s not really silence at all, it would only seem silent to the unattentive and restless. It loses its silence when you become silent yourself. Hush your mind, that busy brain which would worry, would race you back to the surroundings you came to escape from. The truth is, we can never escape anything if all we are trying to do is just that. That becomes an endless running away, and it is wearying. Problems must be dealt with. They must be given over to God who is able to deal with them. I’m not really sure how that just morphed from memories of NJ to problems.. I guess what I’m really thinking about always makes its appearance even if its subconsciously done lol. Interesting… well, I am done for now. Off to study postmodernism… very interesting stuff. (and that was not a sarcastic statement lol.)

Sunday, February 26, 2006


We had our yard sale today, and the house is rather empty-ish. hmm sad? maybe. I'm not sad right now though, so I'll have to answer that question later. Why am I not sad? Also a good question, or maybe a better one, Why should I be sad? Well, there's really no good reason to be, so I'm not. Fair enough. And I gotta admit, the nice day today and yesterday helped a whole heap, which really means God wanted to make me smile. I'm glad He did, everyone needs a good smile every now and again. He has His ways of doing it too. Usually for me, it's a big blue sky and perfect weather, maybe a few BIG fluffy white clouds in there. Or it could be something a friend says, one of my kids even. (On a side note, I've discovered that children have the very best, purest philsophies on life. It's true. For instance the other day I was talking to Maggie, not my sister-the serious maggie in my class, oh is she serious!, well she told me that she and Conner are going to get married. Not a surprise, i smiled and gave them my blessing. She continued to say that once they are married Conner's sole purpose in life will be to buy her nice shoes, and dresses, and he will take her places. I laughed. I laugh at my kids a lot, but don't worry, they enjoy it immensely. They also enjoy making piles of dirt for me...) God is a God of joy! Praise Him for it! Joy doesn't always mean happiness though. It's hard to define joy, it's not something you can catch with words. My uncle went on a mission trip to Africa last summer with his church. They made a movie when they got back, and he was showing it to us. It was going along, showing the men building things and meeting people and whatnot, then it showed all of these children. They were singing songs and looked like they could have been at a VBS or something. They were laughing and singing and dancing! The movie went back to the men building things and meeting people and whatnot for a while, then it was over. My uncle began to tell us about it, and then he said that the children, those beautiful happy children, were victims of AIDS. They were all orphans. There were about 400 or more of them. They were standing in line, as they did every day, to receive their meal of rice. They stood in that line once every day, and rarely was there enough food for all of them. The youngest children were usually in the back of the line. That is joy. That right there--in their smiles, in their eyes-- that was joy. God is joy and God is love. he doesn't just have love, He IS love. it's what He is. He wrote in the stars! Stars are part of what joy is I think, maybe something that spilled out from it.

once upon a time in williams...

We have a modern day Andy Griffith in our midst! Give it up for Officer K, the greatest police officer in the entire world. To begin the story we start off at the house of a Mr. Chadwick Fields. A few have gathered there to visit as the said Mr Fields as he was currently injured…. They sat around discussing fish and all other sorts of things which commonly occupy the conversations of youth.
 There was a knock at the door * knock knock knock * and who should appear but Officer K carrying a bouquet of weeds to cheer the hapless invalid. They were beautiful weeds of a most rare kind, so rare, indeed, that I could not even tell you their names. Officer K was much distressed at the sight of Mr. Fields and begged him not to get up. Officer K (with quite an ecstatic look upon his face) asked them if they would care to see the newest program he had developed for his * ahem * customers. He led them all out to his police car and started to do something on his laptop. He finally had it ready, he turned the laptop towards them and there it was! The official and original Beverly Hillbillies show! He assured us that he had already tested his new program on his * ahem * customers, and it had been pronounced as amazing. (perhaps even stupendous, but we can’t be sure..) he had arrested someone just the other night and played his new program for them, and they had laughed all the way to jail. He hopes to upgrade soon to the Brady Bunch and COPS. 
 You may laugh at my story but I assure you that these events did indeed take place, and if you have any doubts, all you have to do is come see one of the many fine parades led by Officer K. The annual “Clean Yourself Parade” (in which they hand out free bars of soap and spray the audience with water guns) the unnamed parade last year featuring the cop car, the tandem bike, and a band consisting of the mentioned Chad Fields playing his violin (much to the chagrin of the audience….) The next Parade shall be happening this afternoon in honor of a certain injured person at 4:30. Details to be discussed at the coffee shop. 
 Ah the joys of small towns haha!

the usual

Well here I am sitting in my new apartment sipping peppermint tea and watching Finding Neverland. It is lovely, very. It is nice to have our own place with my own furniture and dishes and whatnot. It feels like a place I can belong to. Our stuff fits perfectly, we’d been afraid we’d never get it all in here. It is full of candles and books stuffed here and there and an amazing picture ?. I must admit, I will kind of miss my drives to and from work. It was nice to have some time all to myself to think (or not think) and to enjoy the beautiful gift God gave us, the world and all that’s good in it. A few times I was able to watch both the sunrise and the sunset on the same day. It made me wonder why we (myself included, alas for Gilmore Girls…) will make it a point to see our favorite tv shows, even sometimes schedule our lives around it, but we never take the time to watch the sunset. God paints intricate sunrises and sunsets every day just for us and we hardly ever take the time to enjoy it with Him. It’s a shame. And then there’s the stars, those beautiful dancing stars that cheer up what would be a vast oppressive darkness every night. 
 So I just finished reading like three or four books on not dating, or at least dating differently and they were pretty good. I think my favorite was Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. She has become one of my heroes along with Amy Carmichael, both amazing women. She has a very unique love story, and I’m going to tell it to you so get ready. She was in her senior year of college I believe and God called her to a “season of singleness”. All very well and good, she struggled with it of course. She didn’t know if it was to be for a short time or for life (ahhh!!) A few months later she met Jim (about whon they are making a movie which is to come out soon!) well, they became really good friends, and inevitably fell in love. He had also been called to be single, because he was going to South America as a missionary where they wouldn’t accept married men because it was too dangerous. A year after they had met he told her he loved her, and that they couldn’t do anything about it, not even write. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like for a few months let alone what turned out to be around 6 years I think. Six years of being in love with someone you might or might not see once or twice a year, and only could write to occasionally. Talk about faith. Well, they did get married eventually and served as missionaries for I think 3 years. And then what happened? He was killed by the natives he was serving. And that is when I would go crazy. Maybe she did for a while, I don’t know. But she kept her amazingly strong faith in God and He’s used her to help other people who think they have it hard. Ha. After that what could possibly seem hard? Well anyways it’s a good book which I would recommend to anyone no matter what their views on dating are. 
 I also really liked Boy Meets Girl, by the same guy who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I never read all the way…). That one explained more of what I wanted to know. What happens when you meet someone and God tells you you may marry them? Perhaps I will explain that later. If you’re curious I’d be glad to talk about it though. I’m still sorting through everything. I have a while of course. I’m only 18 (as much as I’d like to pretend I’m old and whatnot I do know that 18 is still very young, which is ok), and I don’t plan on being married for quite a while. I’ve got things to do. Places to see. Lol. (and lots and lots of things to learn, such as How to write shorter blogs haha…)

anything and everything

And the ice skating rink is a hit!!! *ba dum ching! (I know it doesn't exactly fit, but I wanted to do it...) So Williams amazes me yet again. Yup, that's right folks, right her in yer very own hometown we hev the one aaand only outdoor ice skating rink in the whole state of Arizona. Yes sirree, and dats de facts dat is. there is only one thing wrong here. I have not been to it yet. *sigh* i know, i know, but I'm busy! gosh gimme a break. lol. I reallyreally wanted to go the other night. I was studying for a final, and I could here the christmas music drifting from the rink. It was calling my name! stinkin school... But now I'm done!! Can you feel the joy, the excitement, the wonder and awe!? Of course, now I have even less time though. Oy. Ya just can't win. I'm jk, I'm not complaining, I need the money, but working 45 hours a week??
 I worked all day today and I am worn out. I was getting pretty frustrated with some of those kids too but that was my fault, not theirs. Kids are kids, I have no right to expect them to be anything else. It's a lot more than just a "job" though. I have some of those kids longer than their parents do. It's very sad. So it's more than just daycare, it's teaching them and training them. GOd has His ways of reminding me of that throughout the day. Today I was having a hard time with one girl, Victoria (I think I've written about her before..) She is very touchy about some things, and it's been getting worse and worse. Her Grandmother just obtained full custody of her and her brother. her mother I believe is in rehab, and her homelife has in the past just been terrible. Anyways, she won't sit next to the boys in class, and sometimes she won't sit by anyone. I found out they think she may have been molested. How could anyone do that to a child?? I can't even think about it. SHe is 4 years old. How does all of that hurt and heartache fit into four years old? i get frustrated and shortsighted and only see the tantrums and fits, but that's not it. It's the pain in her that's spilling out because she cannot hold it all. Oh God please help her. 
 Jacob is my most troublesome one. he is the very epitome of a mischievous little boy. Yet during the times that he's not causing trouble or sitting in time out lol, he surprises me. Today he randomly came up and gave me a hug. He's never done that before. He has a little crush on Azucena too, it's kinda funny (and it means I really have to keep an eye on him!) He's such a little gentleman to her though! It's quite amazing. He always gets her chair for her and does all these little things that I hardly ever see guys my age doing for girls. (btw, guys, chivalry especially with your friends, counts for a lot... just saying... and I'm not saying you guys don't try. we know you do) 
 I made a decision, actually a few weeks ago, that I am not going to date. I thought i should say this, or I might lose my courage lol so here I am shouting it out to the world (because as we all well know, the whole world is on myspace... ha and they all read my blog, of course...) Anyways, back to the main point *ahem*. Yes I said it. It was not an easy decision to make, let me tell you. Superficially I still wanted to date, because well, who doesn't? However, unsuperficially I knew that dating wan't for me. It really wasn't my decision though, it's something I knew God was telling me. Do I know how this is going to work? no. I'm blindfolded in that respect (God likes blindfolds. a lot.) I feel so much better now though. I will admit, I'm nervous telling people about it, for obvious reasons. I'm sure you think I'm crazy now. (although in all fairness, you probabl thought that before...) I will state a few of my reasons and maybe you'll understand, maybe you won't. First of all, I always knew I could never date a guy I couldn't see myself marrying someday. Also it's safer physically and emotionally. Truthfully, I am scared to death of the thought of breaking up, or being rejected. It hurts a lot, and leaves scars. there's more, but those are probably the main reasons, well, and that God told me to so uh, I didn't have much say in the matter. But it's so cool, cause now I can have guy friends without any pressure whatsoever (unless they're a stalker *sigh....) And besides, I have things to do before I'll be ready to be with someone. I have plans and goals, and they might take a while.. (especially that Learn to Cook one. should be simple you may say, however cooking requires much attention to details, and you only have to know me a little to know this may cause some difficulty...)
 gosh golly gee this thing is long. well folks, it is time to say good night. I am tired, and I get to get up early and see some kids :). Every day is filled with purpose and God so... enjoy! REjoice in the Lord always, I will say it again. Rejoice!

btw... if you have any questions please ask me. :)

Acquire the Fire

I went to Acquire the Fire this weekend, and I have to say, I think it's the best one I've been to so far. I'll start at the beginning, *ahem, cough, pause...* 
 We left about an hour later than planned and then there was a wreck or something so there was a lot of traffic (there's a fun story that goes with that too lol, reminiscent of Staza!). Everyone stopped at Anthem for dinner, but me and Bethany took my dad's truck on ahead to get the tickets and try to sell the extras. So we start the truck and it does feel a little wierd, but we thought it was just all the extra weight in the back because all the kids' stuff was back there. After like, shoot I don't know, maybe 15 minutes on the highway a guy pulls up next to us and he's saying smthing and pointing at the wheels of the truck, so we pulled over and looked and there was smoke coming out of the wheel wells (or whatever those things are, you know what I mean). Well, being two girls we had no idea what that meant so we called Brad and found out that the emergency brake was on. yea. (no, there was no little light on the dash, it doesn't work) Poor Beth was stressed out (and I was taking pictures of the sunset....) But it was fine and we drove the rest of the way with no problems. 
 So we get to the coliseum, and we're walking in to get the tickets and this guy stops us to see if we want to buy any of his extras, we said no we actually have to sell 8 of ours too. So we get the tickets and go out to try to sell a few and we're standing kind of by that guy and he's talking to another man. He asks us How many tickets were trying to sell again? We said 8 and the man said great, I'll take all of them. it was the exact number he needed. it was a God thing, no joke. 
 The "theme" of ATF this year was Run to the Battle, and the skit was about these brothers who were christians in the year 2025. The world was basically taken over by the internet or something and they were going to be put on trial for their faith. I think the last skit made the whole weekend. It just struck me. Have you ever heard the truth and been amazed at how real it is? I don't even know how to describe it. It was just a skit, but the guy couldn't have just been acting it was too real. And he was so passionate about sharing Christ with lost people. I guess you had to be there, but I was so... full after that. That's the only word I can think of to describe it. it was one of those things where when we left (we had to leave early :( ) and people started talking about trivial little normal things I felt like saying How can you talk about that stuff right now? Did you not hear that? Of course I didn't say that lol, it was better to be quiet and, sometimes you can't speak. I couldn't. My heart was full. I don't usually buy into all that emotional stuff. I mean Yes God does use your emotions sometimes to draw you closer to Him, but just because you had an emotional experience it doesn't necessarily mean God was in it. It's easy to get caught up in that rather than truly praising God. I'm not saying you can't have both. But this wasn't an "emotional experience", it was pure truth and it was exciting. Maybe because you so often hear christianity watered down and full of excuses to fit in with the political correctness of the day, and this was against that. 
 I also have to say, that the guitar music was AMAZING. I could have listened to that forever. You know when he was almost just messing around on is acoustic, no singing. Yea so that and the last drama were my favorite parts of the weekend. Oh and, lol, it was soo nice down there! I could wear short sleeves outside. Yea I know, it's december and it's wrong for it to be that warm, but I liked it. a lot. 

 So now I'm back in Flag, going back to classes... bethany gets to quit school and it's not fair :P. (yes that was for you roomie, although after that "good morning" nonsense you deserve it :P :P. yea, want me to do it again?? huh? I will, watch me :P.. yea that's right... good morning.. psh)

thanksgiving, williams, and a big tree!

I've never loved Thanksgiving more than I do this year! (and no it's not just becase I'm a poor hungry college student who loves food... although that might be part of it ;)...) I just got up and now I'm drinking a nice hot cup of coffee and I don't have to go get ready for classes..... ahhhh so nice! in a little while I'm gonna go play me some football :D and then eat a lot of food. Can it get better? lol maggie is watching Barbie and the Nutcracker right now... she's so cute. and getting soo big! my goodness... lol. maybe I'll have to put some pics up, cause you know i love pictures :). I love the music from the Nutcracker! Hilary and I went down to Phoenix to see it last year. It was good... I really just wanted to hear the music but the ballerina's shoes had wood in the points and every time they walked it made a loud noise lol... oh well. 
 So I just have to say, that the huge christmas tree in the middle of second street in town is absolutely fantastic! Seriously, it's amazing. Only in Williams would they put a huge tree in the middle of the street. it is huge too, they had to bring it in on the train, and it literally takes up the whole street. Of course, in what other town does someone get shot on main street every night? I think it's funny that they (I'm not really sure who "they" are but they are always doing something but anyways..) want to turn williams into Christmastown USA lol. (they're kinda crazy like that) outdoor ice-skating rink and all. I certainly wouldn't complain of course. So Williams could become a route 66, western, grand canyon, Christmastown, amusement park town full of retirees and californians who only live here for like two months of the year (and drive the wrong way on the streets and actually go the speed limit grrrr!). (yea I told you they are crazy, this is all Their ideas. oy) well life is interesting here in the small town of Williams. (hehe apparently the new controversy is on whether the teens of Williams should be allowed to "cruise" the town. Let me tell you, this is HUGE! (and mostly because of Them.) of course, if it turns out that you can't cruise anymore, I really don't know what everyone will do. Because this is all that they do lol.) well I'm going to go make the rolls then play some football!
Hmm so this might be a wierd comparison to make, but it makes sense to me.. I'm home for the weekend and I was (am) the last one up so I was putting our dog to bed (that sounds funny, but I don't know how else to describe it) and I let her outside then back in, she got a treat and I shut her up in the laundry room. Anyways she knows she always gets a treat after she goes outside. I've had kinda a rough day, well it was a good day, but I wasn't in the right place. Whenever I start feeling like this the first thing I think of is that I need to get right with God, etc. It's kind of like I'm performing this duty to get my "treat". My joy, peace, confidence... Don't get me wrong, it's not a duty or a chore for me to spend time with God. I enjoy it so much. Problem is, I just don't think about it as much when I already have joy. Then somehow it always turns into like a false joy, if you know what I mean. My focus has turned to something else (usually the same thing) and I get off track. I hate this feeling ugh. I wish I could make a commitment never ever to get off track again, but unfortuantely all I can do is say I'll try. Actually, I take that back. I can't even try. Not on my own. I'm human, I admit it. I'm weak, you have no idea how weak. I'm realizing this more and more as time goes on. Quite honestly, I'm glad God is the only one who can see inside me. Even when it appears I'm doing things for God, my motives are almost always wrong. So really, it's worthless. If I could just grasp the concept that God loves me all the time, it would be amazing. It's so easy to have head knowledge. sunday school answers... God loves me and He doesn't remember all that junk that's been in my life. He remembers my sins no more. So amazing, and so hard to grasp. My kids would get it though. I need to be more like them. well, in some ways lol. To be christ-like.. such a jargon-ish word. Jesus-like might be better. I wish I could sit in His lap. It's crazy, He's so holy that I don't think I could lift my face from the ground in His presence, yet He's such a Father too that I really do think He'd want me to sit in His lap. I don't deserve to, and it's very presumptuous of me to say that but that's what I think. I imagine doing that sometimes when I'm praying.. it helps. Well... it's off to bed for me. I just had to process a little before I could sleep lol. night...

a little of me

Saturday, October 29, 2005 So I worked out at Lost Canyon tonight and I was looking up at the stars. They are so bright out there! it's incredible, thank you Father! But I started thinking about it and when I'm looking at the stars, or the colors of the leaves right now, or the deep blue sky.. I really do feel most like myself. Yes, I'm back to the Who am I question. It comes up every so often in my life. And I never really get an answer. hmm so I am a daughter of God. That has to be the core of my identity. Life looks so different from that perspective. I am usually a pretty quiet person. I think I get that from my dad. But then there's my mom's side of the family too lol, completely different. And you would have to know my mom to understand this. Or see my mom with her sisters haha, I love being around all of them! I definately have some of that too. I love hiking! I don't get to go as often as I would like to... especially now that I can't drag my sister along with me lol. (I had to resort to bribery a few times.) I think I like it because it's a vent for my frustrations (yup hiking and tai kwan do class lol, it's sooo nice to hit things when you're angry). it's not just that though, I'm able to think about so many things and it becomes clearer for me, and it always makes me think about God and it's just... one of His ways of bringing me closer to Him. I don't know how to explain it. Oh, and it's so quiet out there. I like having quiet (especially after work...) I love having good meaningful conversations with people, but I don't share how I really feel very often or with many people. That's something I've gotten better at, and I'm trying; I think it's something I need to do more often for sure. I have never dated anyone. That's not because I don't date at all, but for me personally, it's been better for me not to have dated yet. I certainly don't regret it. I got to be (and still am) good friends with guys and... it was just better. We'll leave it at that lol. You have to know what I'm talking about I guess (Keeley :)) anyways, I don't want to date just for the heck of it. but I do want to date (*ahem *nudge God lol).. hard to explain... if you really want to know, you can ask me anytime :). I love music, especially the one guy singing while playing the guitar kind of music. And especially around a fire. My dad is my favorite actually. He always just bursts out with a song in the middle of his sermons, it's pretty awesome. Some things are meant to be sung. I like christmas music too. I usually pull it out about the end of September/beginning of October. This year I was better though, and it wasn't til the end of October. Christmas is my favorite season! It's so... happy and.. magical. and I'm such a girl, it's true. Actually, it's kind of disappointing when Christmas actually gets here, because the season is over. I work a lot with little kids. I always have. Teamkids wore me out for a while.... but I'm back. I work in a Preschool. It's not quite the same though, I'm the Teacher at work. That means mostly disciplinarian. It's made me realize what a good decision it was for God to make men the leaders/disciplinarians. Of course, I do get to make their bumps and bruises all better... and laugh at the way they talk or the things they say (when they're not looking of course). And wish I could make things better for them. I wish they all had good loving parents, but they don't. I wish I could take away their confused pain, but I can't. Life really isn't fair, but God is good and we can trust Him. Well, I am tired... the chai tea finally wore off lol. I don't know if anyone reads these blogs, but it doesn't really matter. I'm sorry if it's at all confusing.. it's just me thinking out loud I guess. Take some time to look at the stars and think about the One who created them for you!

Psalm 25:20

My parents moved out of our house on Saturday. I drove over to help pack (although I figured out I was more of a help staying out of their way) and then to drive them to the “city”. I was rather down when we left, and I was driving by myself, so I had the windows rolled down and the music up loud the whole way there (it took at least three hours, I was behind the moving truck which can only go so fast..). I was singing (and had to remember not to close my eyes) and probably looked really funny.. entertainment for the other drivers right? I’m still trying not to think about not having a home in the “town” anymore, I think I’ll be avoiding the “town” now that my family’s not there. It’s not a happy place for me. I live here and find myself forgetting anything that happened before this year, for lots of reasons. I don’t see many of my friends from high school any more, and I’ve changed a lot. I used to be quiet; not really sure what happened lol. And I’m not completely sure yet whether I am liking the person I’m becoming. Maybe I’m just not used to it, it was probably safer and more comfortable. I’m still very quiet in groups of people, but not so much with the people I know. Hmm. Well I could stand for some improvements, that’s for sure. I won’t list them off though lol. Don’t worry. Anyways, I usually try to avoid these kind of blogs… but this is what’s been on my mind lately. This and whether I’ll be here next year. A change of place is always appealing, at least to me it has been for a long time now. I kind of got away this year, but I don’t know if it was far enough. In fact, I would leave right now if I could. I went into this in my last blog though I think. Changing the subject….. Isn’t it amazing how much cultures vary just within one state? In the city my parents are now the people and styles seem completely different to me. Here, it seems laid back. All of the outward things you see seem to suggest a very laid back, hippi-ish lol culture. Their opinions and world views are anything but that though. Though they claim to be very “tolerant”, they’re really not. They are very far left people who will not accept anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Sometimes I walk around thinking, if they only knew what I’m thinking and what I believe they would all curse me haha. The opposite is true of the culture where my parents are. Maybe it’s just me though. Well I’m not sure what I was getting at here, but there you have it. I’m hoping my writing will get better as I continue (you’re probably hoping the same lol). Well, I’m off to study for a new testament exam :P. 20Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble; Don’t let me down when I run to you. 21Use all your skill to put me together; I wait to see your finished product. ~Psalm 25:20-21~

Monday, February 20, 2006

Out of my system

It is out of my system. All throughout highschool I felt the need to get away and live on my own when I graduated. There's plenty of reasons why I felt this way, and probably a lot of them are immature and unreasonable, nonetheless that is how I've felt. It may have been, at least in part, a need to prove myself. I needed (wanted) to prove that I could get out of my hometown and live in my own, be independent and all that jazz. I also probably was trying to escape; to get away from where I lived and all the memories that pervaded my thoughts every day. Well, those may not be good reasons, but there they stand. Unlike a lot of kids my age, getting away from my family was never part of why I moved out. My family is my support system in a way, my reassurance (for what? well, whatever I need at the time.) So I am living in an apartment, which I do love, but as I stated at the beginning, I've gotten at least the need to prove something, out of my system. Good riddance! Now I'm tired of working haha. I know that it's part of moving out, and just because I'm tired of paying rent, doesn't give me the right to... hmm give up? Not quite what I mean, but close enough. Part of growing up is doing things like that. Another part of growing up is sticking to things.. a challenge for me. I change my mind allll the time, not that I want to, I'm in the process of learning how not to do that actually. I am so thankful I have wise parents who support my decisions, yet tactfully tell me when I am making bad ones lol. (and btw mom, I think you're the only one who has this web address lol. and thank you.) hum so where was I? what am I talking about? hum k so moving away.. I've gotten used to the idea of switching colleges, and now I think I'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen; I wouldn't cry myself to sleep over it lol, but I would be disappointed. I don't know that I can leave though, so it's one of those wait-and-see things (yes, another one). Oh well, in shala (sp). and there you have it. Well, I'm done soliloquizing (haha) for tonight.