Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I’ve been picking up a signal from who knows where, and it keeps fading in and out.. so frustrating haha.

I was told by a girl I work with that I seem independent. I’ve never had anyone tell me that before, and really that’s one of the last words I would’ve used to describe myself. Me independent? Psh.. me.. and yet I’m beginning to wonder if that’s one of the things that’s changed in me. I know I’ve changed a lot, I’m just not sure what those changes have been yet. If you have any help idea, please let me know ;)…

Independent. Lol I just looked it up in the thesaurus, I’ll list some of the words I found that go along with it: self-governing, self-sufficient, separate, and free. Funny thing, most of these are things I am fighting against.

When I am self-governing I do a terrible job at it. I’m not meant to govern over myself. It’s stressful, guilt inflicting and I have a tendency to judge myself for the wrong reasons. I say that because I judge my conduct, my thoughts on almost a works basis. God doesn’t give me grace according to what I do/don’t do. Well of course He doesn’t. everyone knows that. In their heads.

Self-sufficient.. self-supporting.. on my own.. you know I’ve never wanted to really be self-sufficient. I take huge comfort in the fact that there is always someone there to catch me when I mess up. I don’t even like working by myself because I like to have someone there telling me exactly what I need to do. Starting a new job is always a huge stress for me because I like to know exactly what is expected of me at all times. If I were self-sufficient I wouldn’t need grace. But I do, I am lacking.

Separate. To be unconnected and on the outside. Detached from things and people and places. Sometimes I wish I were more, sometimes I wish I wasn’t. at times I will purposely separate myself from everyone, kinda shut down. That’s only every once in a while though.. I have learned so much about telling people what’s going on with me this year, even with my parents. I went through a pretty rough time a couple years ago and I think it would’ve helped me to tell someone, but, now I can, so all’s well lol. I have started to hate the word reserved. I mean, yes a lot of the time it’s a necessary thing, but I need to be a friend to have friends as the cliché goes, so I’m learning about that too. Take a risk every now and then lol. I have been too reserved though, and I’m not sure yet what I’m afraid of, but I’ll figure it out sometime I suppose.

FREE! Oh I am free! I am free like the wind, free to be led by God to all sorts of places and see what things He has made. This is my independence. It’s ironic that I practice this last one the least, when it’s what God most wants me to experience. Freedom from the world and all the dirtiness of it. I am free to feel clean, to fight the battle and know that i’m on the winning side!

I’m free to do things I’ve never been able to do before, like taking a semester off and going on a missions trip. (I’ve actually looked at prices for airline tickets to London to lol.. wishful thinking. If I didn’t have a job and rent though, I’d probably take off. Well, maybe someday. When I’m finally done with school. I decided I’m never going to enjoy school… it’s a means to an end, and a torture in between lol.) Well this has gotten very long (and I never write looonng blogs of course..) so I must go. I’m glad we had this talk.

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